I Need a Job, Not Therapy

They are called "skills assessment tests" or maybe they are "preferred working style evaluations" - but don't be fooled by these non-threatening monikers: they are Big Brother at his best. These tests - which come at the end of a long application process where you fill out redundant information (already included on your resume) and write individual cover letters - are somehow supposed to determine electronically whether you are worth the effort of interviewing. They are purposely designed to "out" you - find those character flaws and weaknesses you've never even admitted to yourself.

Okay - I understand that recruiters and managers don't have all kinds of time to waste on every person that drops an application; I've actually been in that position before. People can sound really great on paper, and then when you meet them they can barely put two sentences together and tell you that you can always reach them at their IM "HOT4SEX." I had a potential recruit with a similar type of IM name when I was working at a children's non-profit organization. So I can definitely relate to needing to weed through some problematic job-seekers.

But is HAL the robot necessarily the best judge of character? How many possibly great job candidates are left out in the cold because a cyber decision has been made? I was told blatantly at one job interview that I was a great fit, they loved my personality, I had all of the job qualifications and experience they were looking for, but they couldn't hire me until the "computer testing results" came in. I asked her if someone (as in a human being) would be checking it, and she said "no - it's all automated." I don't know about the rest of you - but I do not want an automated system determining whether or not I should get a job for which I am well-qualified. I actually did pass the job assessment test - but corporate instituted a hiring freeze due to the present economy.

I was proud that I had qualified on all levels, and felt that it was an indicator that I was at least hirable. Here I was, still jobless, but feeling good about myself because I passed this personality test. Since I found myself still on the market, I had no choice but to submit to more job applications and skills assessment tests. That is where I find myself now. There was one large corporation that will remain nameless - although I do LOVE their coffee in the morning - hiring for a store manager locally. I felt this was a perfect opportunity for me, and was excited to complete the initial online job application process that was requested. When I got past the uploading of the resume, writing a killer cover letter and filling out the redundant information; I was advised that my application would not be considered until I completed the assessment portion. Since the job opportunities have really dried up as of late, and this had just posted, I wanted to take advantage of it immediately and be first in line.

I began my test and found it to be quite elaborate and involved; something I would expect from such a large and professional corporation. As I continued through it though, it became more involved to the point where the web-hosting site was going to time me out. Unfortunately, the pop-up that warned me of being timed out came in the middle of a 16 minute timed numbers calculation portion and made me lose a couple minutes - not to mention my concentration. I thought I was through - and was going to be spared the gut-spilling portion of my job worthiness. Alas, it was not to be. As is typical, it included questions (155 of them!) like "Have you ever struck anyone in anger? (Are there people who answer 'yes' to this one?!)" More disturbing to me however are the personally invasive type such as "When I go home at night after work, I prefer to relax by: watching T.V., reading a book, socializing with friends or having a glass of wine." I know this is supposed to reveal some secret about me in the same way that the size of my nose reveals my love style (passionate, romantic, cuddly or cool), but is this really appropriate for a potential employer to have in their data base about me? Or to determine my worthiness as an employee?

It took me two hours to complete all 5 steps of this evaluation process, and I never received an interview. I was never able to speak to a human being about my application and I honestly felt taken advantage of. At this point, I feel like they owe me a paycheck for my time.

There are all kinds of privacy laws out there, yet when it comes down to it, you have zero privacy if you agree to become the property of the company that hires you. Or even if they don't hire you. All of this private information is available to human resources or management at a moment's notice. I wanted the job so bad at the place where they had the hiring freeze, that I confessed to stealing a tootsie roll when I was seven because it admonished you to be completely honest, as the test was designed to catch you in a lie. I'm confessing this now in this article because I'm sure all of my secrets will become public knowledge soon anyway.

Since I still need money, I guess I will continue filling out applications and taking assessment tests. I just wish Big Brother would find something else to do. I need a job, not therapy.