I Left My Keys in San Francisco

Does anyone remember when hotel rooms had keys? Although the modern magnetic key lock systems are superior in terms of security, they aren't superior in terms of getting into your hotel room. In fact they can be extremely effective at keeping you out.

My husband is what you might call a techno-avoider. He kept a rotary dial phone in his office until one day last year when his co-worker went to use his phone and the dialer cracked in two. It was then that he was forced to purchase a push button phone. It took months for him to accept that he had to push a button to talk after lifting the telephone receiver. To this day when he answers the cordless phone at home, he studies the buttons intently before tentatively pushing the talk button. Often, by that time, the caller has hung up.

So, you can imagine our plight when hotels began switching to key cards over a decade ago. Every hotel door is approached with a combination of fear and disdain, as there is generally a 50-50 chance that the keyless lock will let us in on the first try. If it does not open immediately upon the first swipe, the cursing will begin. The cursing, combined with several more swipes of the card at varying speeds, is usually enough to gain entry.

If you travel at all, it's pretty much a given that sooner or later you will get locked out of your hotel room, especially since the advent of magnetized key cards. The best you can hope for is to not get locked out while naked, inebriated, or, horror of all horrors, in your workout clothes, like I did recently.

There's a reason hotels put the fitness center in the basement and locate it just across from the elevator. They don't want middle-aged people like myself traipsing through the hotel lobby in unflattering stretch pants. But, be advised, if you are going to get locked out of your room at any point during your stay, it will more than likely be when you're discreetly making your way to the fitness center and you realize you've forgotten your head phones and you double-back to your room only to find yourself orphaned in the hallway in your most unflattering outfit.

D'oh!

Well, it could have been worse - I could have been dripping with sweat, too, when I recently showed up at the front desk of the swank Intercontinental Mark Hopkins Hotel in San Francisco in my gym clothes to report that my key wasn't working..

"Are you keeping it next to your cell phone?" the young clerk inquired.

"I'm keeping it in the pocket next to the pocket where I keep my cell phone in," I replied.

"You can't keep your cell phone and your key card together. It will demagnetize,"he scolded.

I nodded.

"What color were the lights when you tried to get into the room - red with yellow in the middle, or green with red?"he questioned.

"I'm not sure," I said apologetically. "I didn't know there was going to be a quiz, or I would have paid closer attention,"I joked.

He didn't laugh.

"Yes, it appears to be demagnitized," he announced. "Do you have a photo I.D.?"

"It's in my room."

"I'm sorry - I can't give you a new key unless I can see a photo I.D."

By this time, I wanted to ask the desk clerk if he by any chance had noticed that I was standing next to women in floor length mink coats and men in Armani suits in a gym suit that hadn't been washed since I left Wisconsin six days ago?

"I'll have security meet you at your room," he said. Then lowered his voice and leaned forward and added, "If this should happen again, please feel free to call us from the house phones located on your floor and outside the gym."

Oh. Those phones.

I knew that.