I Love You, Man: Challenging the Gender Dichotomy

I Love You, Man is a movie that challenges gender norms by presenting characters who do not act entirely male or entirely female, regardless of whether they appear to be male or female. Instead of stigmatizing them, this movie presents a world in which a balance of traditionally masculine and feminine qualities is desirable. This also allows the watcher to question the "naturalness" of gender norms, if these people do not act the way they "should" and are still functional in society, does that mean that one can ignore at least some gender norms? The main character, Peter, is introduced as a male who does not always act like a male; he is loving, nurturing, and has no male friends. The plot is both about Peter gaining a friend and learning to accept his masculine traits as still acceptable. Through I Love You, Man both main male characters, Peter and Sydney, grow to be more balanced because they become friends. The characters that are particularly masculine or feminine, Barry and Haley, are stigmatized and are the least likable.

Judith Butler argues that gender is performed. This assertion seems reasonable, since gender roles are variable across cultures and must therefore be culturally constructed. Since gender is culturally constructed it cannot be "natural", as proponents of current and past gender norms argue. In Gender Trouble she notes that gender is understood as "a relation among socially constituted subjects in specifiable contexts." Gender is how we are understood by society, and the way we behave in particular situations is specified by societal norms. We are almost always performing gender, judging the performance of others, and being judged by others, all without thinking about it as an act to make us socially acceptable and readable. However, gender is a highly changeable category, it is "always relative to the constructed relations in which it is determined" (Butler, 14). Butler continues to say that "gender does not denote a substantive being, but a relative point of convergence among culturally and historically specific sets of relations" (Butler, 14). Gender is not a definite state; it is a constantly shifting, ever-changing set of actions, behaviors, and dress. The only way gender continues is if every one continues to "do gender" (Lorber, 113).

"Gender is so pervasive that in our society we assume it is bred into our genes" (Lorber, 113). In "The Social Construction of Gender", Judith Lorber discusses the idea that gender is socially constructed. The construction of gender, for an individual, begins when they are assigned a sex category; the assignment of sex is based on the appearance of a child's genitalia. Children are dressed in ways that make it clear which particular set of genitalia their children has, presumably "because parents don't want to be constantly asked whether their baby is a girl or a boy" (Lorber, 114). By giving a child a sex-specific name, dressing them in sex-specific clothing, and teaching them to behave in acceptable sex-specific ways, a designation of sex becomes the performed and displayed gender. However, sex designation is not necessarily "natural".

In the case of intersexuals, their sex is often determined after birth, through evaluation of chromosomes and physical characteristics. Again gender is undermined, since gender is based on sex, and some people are not naturally born with genitalia that fit into the "normal" sexual binary. If sex cannot be separated into two categories, and gender is based on sex, then there cannot only be two genders. Kessler writes in Lessons from the Intersexed, "The belief that gender consists of two exclusive types is maintained and perpetuated by the medical community in the face of incontrovertible physical evidence that this is not mandated by biology" (31). In spite of the existence and natural occurrence of intersexed genitalia, the medical community insists that intersexed children are deformed or unnatural, and in need of "corrective" surgery.

In spite of these arguments and undeniable proof of the existence of something or some things beyond the sex binary, a gender binary is upheld and taught, in some form, to every child. Without the sexual categories, gender no longer makes sense, but continues to be taught. However, some recent cultural mediums seem to show that traditional gender, with its strict binary and rules, is falling out of favor, and a more moderate blend of masculine and feminine characteristics is most acceptable. The heroes and heroines of popular television shows and books often have characteristics that could be considered masculine as well as feminine characteristics. The main characters, and the most popular, of I Love You, Man are those that blend male and female roles and behaviors.

I Love You, Man begins with a marriage proposal. Peter proposes to Zooey, whom he has been dating for eight months and she agrees. The upcoming marriage is central to the plot, since the movie quickly centers on the fact that Peter has no male friends he can ask to be his best man. As the movie continues it becomes evident that every one around him finds it odd that he does not have male friends but, as his mother puts it, "Pete always connected better to women." Eventually, after a series of awkward and disastrous "man dates", Peter meets Sydney. The two become friends and Peter learns how to be more manly and how to talk to other men. Toward the end, however, Sydney learns that it is okay to not be macho all the time, and becomes a more likable person because he is able to enjoy his feminine side. This movie is all about gender-bending and gender-queer behavior, but the only openly homosexual people are Peter's brother, Robbie, and one of the men Peter tried to be friends with.

The men are the main focus of this movie, the only women that are really major characters are Zooey and her friends Haley and Denise. The male characters range from the extremely masculine to the rather effeminate. Although the extremely masculine characters are what traditional gender roles prescribe, the men who act out these roles are generally disliked. This movie provides excellent evidence for the idea that gender is performed because the characters who look and consider themselves male sometimes act in definitively feminine ways.

Two of the most decidedly masculine characters are Barry and Tevin. Barry is married to one of Zooey's friends, Denise. He is the epitome of beer-drinking, poker-playing, anti-social male behavior. Although not a main character, it is important that the only way Barry interacts with people is if alcohol, money, or sex is involved. The one time Peter tried to play poker with Barry and his friends he was miserably bad at all the male activities. He tried to talk to them like girls talk to each other; "everybody say your favorite band at the same time, 1...2...3!", did not know the value of different hands in poker, and vomited when he chugged a beer in a boat race. Barry is seen several times playing poker, demanding sexual favors for things his wife wanted, and immediately orders a drink and asks when he can leave at Zooey and Peter's engagement party. Tevin represents a few more stereotypically male qualities. He is a real estate agent who works with Peter and is overconfident, a braggart, selfish, a bully, and interested in sex. He tries to convince Peter to let him take half "of the action" on a house Peter is selling for Lou Ferrigno and then tries to bully him into agreeing by pointing out Peter's lack of advertising. These two are men; together they embody most of the important male stereotypes. They are definitely acting the part culture wrote for them, but they are unlikable. Performing gender to this extreme makes the characters impossible to like, at least in this movie.

The friend, Sydney, could be classified as masculine with some feminine tendencies. At the beginning of the movie he is manly, but sensitive; he has a small dog and is nice to Peter, even though Peter is extremely awkward when talking to males, but he "accepts" that he is an animal. He yells at a jogger who stepped in the feces left behind by his dog, and explains that he's "a man...I've got an ocean of testosterone flowing through my veins." After which he tries to teach Peter to be more manly and in touch with his testosterone by yelling. Peter is embarrassed to yell and eventually makes some actual noise, to which Sydney replies "good, now gently remove your tampon and try again." Oddly enough, this is a combination of the masculine and feminine. Sydney is both performing male, by making fun of Peter's girly yell, and female, by encouraging and supporting him. He also has a "man cave" where no women are allowed, comes complete with a "jerk-off station", has several televisions all turned to sports channels, and all the instruments needed to play Rush songs. The man cave is about being male, but some of the most vulnerable, and thus feminine, moments happen here, the two become friends and talk about problems, they hug, and here the viewer learns that Sydney is lonely. Sydney is introduced as a masculine character, but he becomes a truly likeable character because he begins to embrace some of his feminine traits. The breakthrough moment in the movie comes when he watches Chocolat, and realizes that "it was delightful." By finally accepting that it is okay for him to have feminine feelings as well as the masculine ones, Sydney becomes a well-rounded person and is able to be Peter's friend, and Zooey's.

The most intriguing combination of masculine and feminine characteristics is found in Peter's brother, Robbie. Robbie is openly gay, and exclusively pursues and dates straight men, which codes as feminine, especially given the cultural expectation of heterosexuality. However, Robbie is a successful personal fitness trainer and has many male friends, he even tries to give his brother pointers on how to meet a male friend. Sexually, Robbie should be effeminate, but he still performs and presents as a male. He could easily be read as a straight male, except for the fact that he is so openly gay. This movie does not fall into the trap of stereotyping all homosexual males as performing exclusively as female. Another gay character is introduced who does fit that stereotype, but he is not a major player in the plot. By adding Robbie's character the screenwriter was able to disrupt traditional masculine and feminine roles by presenting a character who did not act womanly and still preferred men. Instead of buying into the heteronormative idea that only females or feminine people pursue masculine men, they show two masculine men in a relationship.

On the more feminine end of the characters who present as male is Peter. Peter presents himself as a male through his dress and by assuming the traditional role of provider; he saves money to pay for the wedding and, at one point, brings part of a six-foot sub home for Zooey. However, he performs mostly as a female, which, paradoxically, Zooey says makes him a good boyfriend. This seems true throughout the movie; the only time that he is not a great boyfriend is when he begins becoming more masculine and goes a bit more towards masculine than maintaining a balance. He is thoughtful and considerate; he is a gracious winner when he fences, makes floats for girls' night and even helps plan the wedding. Overall he just connects better with women, he knows all of the women in his office by name and talks to them like he is almost one of the girls, but he does not know how to talk to any of the guys. Peter is awkward and unsure when talking to men where he is calm and collected talking to women, because he does not understand how he should relate to them. The disastrous first man date also shows Peter as a feminine character. When the man kisses him Peter does not reject him or push him off, he is stunned. Society would expect a homosexual man to immediately reject the man, but Peter reacts as a woman would; he just stands there stunned and trying to process the situation. Later he shows his feminine side again by referring to Comet when trying to get the smoky taste of the man-kiss out of his mouth. He actually knew what Comet was and how to use it well enough to joke about it. Peter is also initially reluctant to talk to Sydney about sex, which is something society expects men to talk about almost constantly. Conversely, Zooey is masculine because she discusses their sex life with her friends in great detail. In this aspect, the couple seems to have traded masculine and feminine qualities without thinking about it, this happens with other things throughout the movie. Several times Peter's attention to detail is brought up, but always as a positive trait. This attention to detail actually shows another feminine trait, he plays the hostess by trying to make sure everyone is taken care of and included. This is yet another example of the movie's push towards characters who are able to be simultaneously masculine and feminine.

As a real estate agent, Peter has all the necessary skills, but not enough confidence in himself. Part of the Sydney and Peter relationship, and the masculinizing of Peter, involves forcing Peter to act confident until he actually realizes that he is good at his job. These scenes simultaneously show a nurturing Sydney and a masculine Peter, which is an important relationship and shows the usefulness of being able to access both the feminine and masculine qualities. This does not make Peter less caring or thoughtful, but it does make him a more complex person and allows for a greater range of expression. One of Peter's most played on traits is his role as "pleasure-giver". Butler also touches upon the performance of pleasure-givers in her treatment of stone butches. She argues that stone butches may perform socially as males, but are feminized by their voluntary forfeit of their sexual gratification for that of their partner. Peter is equally feminized by his willingness to give Zooey oral sex without asking for reciprocation of the favor. This puts Zooey in the masculine position of "pleasure-taker", one that is made more masculine because she had not considered what Peter would like, a stereotypically male behavior. Through interactions between the three main characters, Zooey, Peter, and Sydney, all three become more balanced and are able to utilize both their feminine and masculine characteristics without worrying about how it reflects on their worth as a male or female.

The variety of male behavior shown in I Love You, Man shows that gender is not universal, the expression of maleness is not even the same within a microcosm of culture; it is not necessarily tied to sex, since Zooey shows some male behaviors; and it may not be natural. Such a diversity of types of maleness shows that gender is highly variable and is performed, not natural. If the culturally mandated masculinity were actually natural, the men in this movie would all act like Tevin and Barry, and a man like Peter would be utterly impossible. This movie, in an unassuming way, exposes gender as performative and suggests that people who are able to be both masculine and feminine are ideal. Perhaps this is a step towards a more accepting society, where gender bending is not abnormal, but is seen as a normal part of human expression. By ignoring the idea that gender is "natural" or exposing it as false, people are freed to act as they please, without the constraints gender placed on them. Rather than performing gender, they are able to perform themselves.

Works Cited

Butler, Judith. Gender Trouble. 2. New York and London: Routledge, 2007. Print.

I Love You, Man. Dir. John Hamburg. DVD. Bernard Gayle Productions, 2009. Film.

Kessler, Suzanne J.. Lessons from the Intersexed. 1. New Brunswick, New Jersey, and London: Rutgers University Press, 1998. Print.

Lorber, Judith. "The Social Construction of Gender." Gender Socialization (1994): 113- 119. Print.