I Love You--I'm Just Not in Love with You

Oh. My. God. Is there another phrase in any language that makes a body cringe and a strong man whimper? This one ranks right up at the top with 'You're a nice guy', and 'She has a great personality', except those are in the dating arena. The 'I love you, but...' has bloomed amidst a relationship. It might be months of dating, years of living together, or, in my case, the end of 22 years of marriage.

That's right. The end. I'm finished even if he is attempting to be nice and helpful and wants to stay friends. Many people may breathe a sigh of relief. They aren't being kicked out. Someone will help with the kids and the dog. If you need a lift to the hospital, he's your man.

First, see the statement above for what it is. A big fat cop out. What the person is doing is trying to soften the blow between feelings of guilt, or their own embarrassment. The first part isn't the lie, take some comfort from that. You have been a large part of this person's life. They do have feelings for you or they wouldn't have developed a relationship in the first place.

It is the second half that is the real heart breaker. Yes, they aren't in love with you. Period. End of story. Whatever it was they saw in your eyes, felt in your embrace, no longer interests them. It could have been based on infatuation, or it could have been what they believed made them feel loved, successful, admired. Some men feel the absolute need to have a woman. It isn't like they grow up planning their wedding; it is just part of what a man is supposed to do. Get a job, a house, a wife. Some are just secretly hoping for someone who will be there and fulfill the house maker role.

There are a number of things that you need to realize. Was the relationship breaking down? Was the intimacy a little forced? Were feelings withheld, companionship? Most people are not completely taken by surprise. They have sensed a pulling away, reluctance for their partner to behave towards them as they always had.

Many people attempt a separation. The distance gives you time to cool off and look at the changes in your relationship. Understand, this all sounds logical, and it is helpful to heal some of the damage all ready inflicted. Once your partner leaves, they are not coming back. The situation does not influence your partner to understand how willing you are, or how much you love them. By this stage, they don't care. The damage has started, and the slide towards oblivion looms. You will see later that your partner has all ready lost feelings for you. You've become the sacrificial one again, the martyr. It is time to face the truth that the person you thought they were is gone.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder for someone else. Your partner is now free of hiding their feelings, and there is a world of the other sex waiting to scoop them up. They may even be operating under the belief that they are no longer attractive, are passing into their middle age. These people are prime candidates for an affair, or worse. In some ways it is almost expected of a man to go on to find the next woman in his life.

The truly devastating part comes next. Either you will confirm your own suspicions, or your partner will admit that they aren't coming back. The reason will be simple. "I'm just not in love with you."

Tell yourself immediately that this is not your fault! It isn't because of weight issues, or money, or how you handle the kids. It is simply that the other person has chosen to move on. There is no convincing them, they all ready live on their own little planet and you are not a citizen. The pressure you put on yourself to bring them around, or change your looks, will not make any difference.

The darkest part is yet to come. You are still in love, and now you must ruthlessly stomp it out if you are to survive this stage of your existence. It helps to lose respect for the other person. Why not? They've avoided you, cheated upon you, and maybe even turned you into a human doormat along the way. You will deal with not only separation, but watching as they pack the remainder of their things and leave. The divorce will put you through ugly accusations and humiliating sacrifices. What you have worked for will start slipping through your fingers while all you can ask is why.

You are going to grieve. The unfairness of it all will seem overwhelming. Confronting people at work, family members and the division of friends will be embarrassing. Facing an uncertain future will be daunting. Financial difficulties will seem insurmountable. Live your grief, and use it for what it is intended to do. Vent all of the hurt and anger and as you dry your eyes tell yourself to let go. You are done with that moment, and it is gone. Trying to contain the grief will make it worse. Let is cleanse you, purge out the emotions so that you can function.

Take comfort in two things. Repeat them night and day when you think of your partner. Write them on 3 by 5 cards, or sticky notes and tape them on your bathroom mirror, your fridge, the dash of your car.

It is not your fault. You will survive this to find something better.