I May Not Be Ready for a Funeral But, I'm Ready for Route 66

Tomorrow I will be attending a funeral mass for a woman, who lived in a nursing home for the last several years. I have visited this home for over 3 years and, have attended quite a few funerals during that time. They are all solemn events; although, humorous anecdotes of the beloved are often shared in the eulogies. This is good because it is, in fact, a celebration of the deceased's life.

My problem is that I never know what to wear to a funeral. Of course, I know that it should be something conservative and in good taste but; I never know which blouse to wear with my black skirt. On second thought, should I wear my blue dress? Maybe I should wear pants since I'm wondering now if I have any nylons without runs. I know that I won't have time to stop at the store to buy more. What about accessories? I have several scarves that would look great but; where they are, I don't have a clue. Truth be told, I'm not the most organized person. They could be in a drawer, a closet, a storage bin or around my "Cathy" doll's neck. I have my standards and; my dolls are always dressed well.

The list goes on and on and; this process is not limited to funerals. I don't know what to wear to restaurants, parties, stores, museums, churches or synagogues. Although I don't go to synagogues, I would like to know what I would wear if, in fact, I went to one.

As we use to say many years ago, when I was a child: "A Girl Scout is always prepared." If we learned how to dress for different occasions, then I must have missed that particular day. I think we often wore a uniform of some type. I seem to remember the color green. I know that I wore a uniform at school for 12 years. No wonder I don't know how to dress for different occasions.

With no disrespect intended for the process of grieving, I wonder what the family of deceased Loopy, the clown, would wear at his funeral. If Loopy spent a lifetime making others laugh, would he really want them to wear dark, conservative clothes? I think not; although, I'm not sure. This is the type of question that often keeps me awake at night. Other imponderables of life that interrupt my restful sleep include wondering why: Bazooka Joe wears an eye patch; how did 7Up get its name; how can I become a professional gambler and buy that '64 Mustang that I love so much and, of course, what should I wear tomorrow to the funeral?

It could take me an hour to decide on what to wear. I will, most likely, try on many, many different outfits and usually settle for the first one. Sometimes, I really envy men. Their lives seem so much simpler. It doesn't take them an hour to dress. They are definitely different than women.

For one thing, they often think of only one thing at a time. This was once explained by a comedian using the analogy of "taking out one box at a time." When they are done with an activity, or "box", they put it away. They may take it out later; but, they don't take out two boxes at the same time. Women, on the other hand, are well-known for multi-tasking. It is not unusual for a woman to be cooking, cleaning, balancing the check book, taking care of little Susie and talking on the phone all at the same time. If a man multi-tasks it is: watching a football game and scratching his arm. A whole swarm of crazed, blood-thirsty mosquitoes could attack a man; and, if he is watching the Super Bowl, he wouldn't even notice.

This single-mindedness is not limited to watching sports. When they shop, they don't look at everything else in the store. When they talk on the phone, they don't have the need to talk for extended periods of time. They usually call for a reason and, if they feel the need to "chat" it won't be longer than 14 minutes -- .16 at the max. Most women are just getting "warmed up" at the 16 minute mark.

Men can be very efficient with their time and resources. For instance, they have no qualms about eating over a garbage can, thus eliminating the need for plates. If they, in fact, have plates, they don't all have to match. In fact, nothing has to match. This saves lots of time as women spend countless hours trying to match everything. This phenomenon is often referred to as the "Martha Stewart syndrome" and, often occurs alongside of the "Laura Ashley Pattern." As for myself, my decorating style can be described as "eclectic". I like to buy things on sale. Since they don't always match, I tell people that I have an artistic spirit. It's all in the wording.

Speaking of communication, men have interesting ways to converse. They don't waste time with lots of extraneous words. They often find that "yeah", "no" and certain looks are enough to get their point across. Quite often a grunt will suffice. With all this time saved, they can watch their beloved sports and eat junk food. OK, so they can do two things at a time.

As far as clothes, it seems that all they need are the basics: pants, shorts, shirts and jackets. They certainly don't care if they have worn the same outfit before. There's no reason why they can't wear a Blackhawks jersey for a formal dinner party, pool tournament and a night at the opera. Although I would usually poke fun at this, it is understandable if you live in Chicago. Go Blackhawks!!

There is one time that I can truly relate to men and how they dress. If I ever pursue one of my many dreams (besides being a professional clown or buying a red Honda scooter), it would be to travel the original Route 66 and relive the past glory days of the 1950's and 1960's, when life was simpler. In those days, people listened to music on a transistor radio and didn't know what everyone in the world was doing via Twitter or TMZ. Believe it or not, they were still happy.

When I take this trip, although many of the original roads have been replaced or eliminated, I, too, will be happy. I know exactly what I'm going to wear. I'll have on a pair of jeans, my Route 66 Arizona t-shirt, my Route 66 jacket and of course I'll be carrying my Route 66 purse. I'll be smiling from ear to ear because finally -- finally, I'll know what I want to wear and can be on my merry way.

As the song, "Route 66" by Nat King Cole states: "It winds from Chicago to LA, more than two thousand miles all the way." As long as I have some extra jeans and Route 66 t-shirts, I'll be all set -- that is unless I decide to wear a dressy blouse if I stop at a nice restaurant or a dress when I go to church.

Well, at least one thing is for sure. As long as I'm driving my '64 Mustang, life is good. See you on Route 66.