I Never Wanted to Be a Mother until I Became One

When I was little, all the little girls around me fantasized about who they'd grow up to marry, what their wedding would be like, how many kids they'd have, and what they'd name their kids. Not me. I thought marriage meant endless arguments and disappointment. I thought weddings looked like a huge waste of money. I never thought about having children beyond hoping not to. I was convinced I'd be a horrible mother, impatient and judgmental. When I did eventually marry, I took myself by surprise. And we were both surprised when I learned I was expecting before we'd been married a year. The biggest surprise of all, though, was that while my first marriage was exactly what I'd imagined, parenthood was not. When I imagined motherhood, I pictured my mother: harried, worried, never enough time for half of what she needed to do. I thought I'd always be cranky and tired. Really, if you were to imagine every negative stereotype about mothers that you see on television and in the movies, throw in a few from classic and modern literature, minus Mommy Dearest, of course, you'd have what I imagined.

I have married again, and have found that marriage doesn't have to be a misery. And thankfully, I have found that motherhood is nowhere near the nightmare I expected. Yes, I get tired, cranky, frustrated. Sure, I lose my patience sometimes. I'm no saint. Neither are my children or husband. But we all love each other very much, and forgive each other often. I screw up, and ask my kids to forgive me. In turn, I try to never hold a grudge. Sometimes it's not easy, but it is so worth it. Those sticky kisses, bony elbow-laden hugs, just-one-more-story requests are priceless. A baby's laugh, a toddler's excited gasp, a little girl dressing like a princess, a little boy playing with robots...... kissing owies, soothing hurt feelings, cuddling away nightmares..... When I think about these things, the laundry and the dishes and the tantrums seem like so much insignificant dust. I'm not a perfect mother, and I never will be. But I'm so very glad that I am a mother. I believe I am and will always be a good mother as long as I keep trying just a little harder, and loving them just a little bit more than I did yesterday.