I Do Not Understand Adultery
Would Someone Please Explain it to Me?
First of all, speaking of the cheating spouse:
* Do they actually "justify" their actions?
* What about divorce? In this day and age, you can do that for absolutely any reason. How can they possibly believe that not divorcing the person the are cheating on is acceptable? If you want to live like a single person, go ahead, but only if you ARE single.
* Do they honestly believe they are in love with two people?
* Can they truly believe they aren't hurting anyone?
* What if they have children? What are they teaching those tender souls?
* Do they always believe it is the betrayed spouse's fault?
* Do they EVER accept personal responsibility?
* If they do actually leave their spouse for the "other person," what makes them think that the person with whom they cheated will not turn around and cheat on them, too?
* Is it truly, "Once a Cheater, always a Cheater?"
Now, for the "Other person:"
* Are they truly innocent?
* I know, it's different if they do not know the Cheater is actually married, but don't they suspect?
* Do they truly believe the Cheater will leave the spouse for them?
* If the Cheater actually leaves their existing family, what makes the "other person" think that the Cheater would never Cheat on them?
*NOW, if the person does know the Cheater is married, how do they justify their actions? Do they ever wonder about the betrayed spouse? Does the "other person" wonder if the betrayed spouse is truly as awful as they are being told? Or are they so gullible that they believe everything they are told, hook, line and sinker?
What about the Betrayed Spouse?
* Are they truly the last to know?
* Do most of them find out on their own, are they told by someone else, or does the cheater come to them in remorse (or fear of being caught) and confess?
* What do other people think of that betrayed spouse? Are they believed to be long-suffering or stupid?
* Do most betrayed spouses choose to try to work it out? Or do they hit the ground running?
* Can trust EVER be regained? How long would it take?
* Do they blame themselves? Do they blame the Cheater? Do they believe there is enough blame to share?
* Do they ever have "normal" lives again?
* Can they ever truly trust someone else?
* Can their lives be transformed by moving on? By staying?
* What about the children they share with the cheater? Do they tell the children the truth about the cheater or do they keep a game face and wait until the children figure out what kind of person their other parent is all by themselves?
I have so many questions. I would love to hear answers from anyone that has ever been involved in this kind of situation (again, it can be anonymous) or even if you never have, but have very strong opinions about it.... I would love to hear your opinions.
Published by Sherry Upson
I am a Mom who loves homeschooling her son and a photographer who just started a business, but I am a writer at heart. I write about what I know. It is through my faith that I make it through the tough tim... View profile
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20 Comments
Post a CommentI notice a common thread among the cheaters who've posted. All of them see themselves as helpless victims who had no other choice but to cheat. They don't want to, but forces outside themselves force them to. They absolve themselves of all responsibility...either by blaming the spouse and/or by not holding themselves accountable for their actions. So instead of saying "once a cheater, always a cheaters", the really "once a victim, always a victim"...even if they never commit adultery again. Best to let these folks go.
I am cheating on my" sort of" boyfriend of 15 years
. He and I never have sex because I am not attracted to him. He doesn't take care of himself. His teeth are bad, he has this big pot belly, he smokes and won't quit, and several other things. He thinks I am just asexual, and that is why our relationship is platonic. At one time, that was very true. There was no interest in sex with anyone. But that changed when I met this guy.
This affair has been going on for five years now. I want to be honest with my bf but don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to know I see him as so unappealing. But reciently I am begininng to realize that although I have never actually told him I found him unappealing..I am always nagging at him to quit smoking and lose weight and he never does anything about it. He is not motivated
I realize now that by not being honest with him and avoiding hurting him I may actually be robbing him of the motivation he needs to do these things and the opportunity
Your a cunt, anyone who cheats should be shot, simple.
WELL IVE BEEN LIVING WITH MY LESBIAN PARTNER FOR ALMOST EIGHT YEARS, AND I DO LOVE HER ITS JUST THAT SHES BORING. AND DOSENT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BUYING ME GIFTS OR ROMANICING ME ANYMORE WELL ACTUALLY NEVER HAS. IVE ALWAYS BEEN ONE TO BE FLIRTACIOUS, AND I ALWAYS GET A LOT OF ATTENTION, SO IVE CHEATED ON HER NUMEROUS TIMES, MEN AND WOMEN AND I HAVE NO REMORSE BECUASE WHAT I DONT GET AT HOME I FIND ON THE STREET, WHETER IT BE GOOD SEX OR FINE GIFTS. IVE TRIED TO GET HER TO GO OUT OR SPICE UP OUR SEX LIFE AND SHE JUST WONT BUDGE, SO YOU CANT BLAME ME FOR CHEATING ON HER FOR AS LONG AS I DID AND DO..IM JUST HOPING ONE DAY SHELL FIND OUT AND LEAVE ME FOR GOOD, SINCE I CLEARY WONT.. IM TOO LAZY FOR THAT..
I don't believe "emotional affair--no sex,whatever..." I was fed this line of crap too. When it came to the surface that there was sex involved, it was like taking another bullet. Still later, I found out my husband had knowledge other woman was staking me, referring to me as "her competition" I was her so-called competittion until I discovered her existence--then she thought I should be her BFF. Long,sad painful story. I think the term emotional affair is a term used by people who were caught but don't have the stones to be called out on it. You have my sympathy.
she had an emotional affair with someone at work. i don't know if there was sex, i can not prove it. she says it started out as a friendship, lots of emails that turned into talking dirty, telling him that she was thinking of him. says we grew apart. that i did not give her the emotional part of the marriage. i think that an excuse is and can be always found. it is simple to get to work fresh and with a smile on your face and have a relationship minus the teenagers and the responsiliblities that come with a family and a home. says she loves me (ha ha) says the ever since this came out in the open she feels closer to me. i wonder if it has to do with the fact that financially this guy could never afford her lifestyle.
My husband either has a sexual disfuction or he does not want to be with me intimately. I have entered into an adulterous relationship but I do not desire to; it only fills a void. I love my husband; however, he is emotionally detached and does not appear to think it's important to fulfill my needs as a woman. He compensates by buying me things and taking me on vacations. What a bore. He said he wanted to sell the house, split everything and go our separate ways; however each time I ask him for us to get the realtor and the attorney, he tries to ignore me.
I am a woman, in my second marriage. I committed adultery in the first marriage and in the second marriage with the same person. He was the first guy I ever loved and although I've tried to move on, I find a love still for him. Each marriage I have been the problem, but don't want to be. I want to be committed, but past experiences cause me not to trust and pull away and subsequently end up in the wrong place looking for the wrong thing. Counseling is helping.
I WAS MARRIED TO A MAN WHO CHEATED AND AFTER 24 YEARS OF MARRIAGE I FOUND OUT, FOR ME IT WAS OVER AND WE DIVORCED. LESS THAN 2 YEARS LATER HE'S REMARRIED AND GUESS WHAT HE CHEATED ON HER IN LESS THAN A YEAR OF MARRIAGE. MORAL TO STORY, SOME PEOPLE ARE SERIAL CHEATERS, AND YOU WILL NOT CHANGE THEM, THEY ARE SIMPILY BAD RISKS IN THE "FORSAKING ALL OTHERS" DEPARTMENT. CHEATERS ARE SELFISH AND IMMUTURE, LOOKING TO JUST MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEIR LIVES AT OTHER PEOPLES EXPENSE. THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF IS TAKE CARE OF YOU AND DON'T LET HIM BLAME YOU FOR HIS ACTIONS, THEY ARE HIS CHOICES AND HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM.
adultery is never ok or fair for any of the people involved. However would it be better to walk out on a marriage in order to begin a new one with someone else or to deny yourself the chance to be happy and continue to live in a loveless marriage?