I Do NOT Work

You're right, I don't work. I am at home Monday through Friday. I have had three different people in the past week state that I don't work. Here are the things that I don't do throughout the week.

I do NOT do laundry, fold clothes, and put them away. The clothes magically appear in drawers folded and clean. I suspect it might be pixies but I can never catch the buggers.

I do NOT clean bathrooms, mop floors, dust tables, or do dishes. I also do NOT vacuum. I would suggest that everyone entering my house wear a respirator and do not take off your shoes.

I do NOT decorate for holidays. Candy canes and fluffy bunnies gather at my house at the correct time of year. I just wish the bunnies would behave themselves. They are constantly taking all the little plastic eggs out of my decorative baskets and scattering them throughout the house.

I do NOT pay bills or balance the checkbook. The bills get paid every two weeks by the elves I keep in the closet.

I do NOT run the household budget. I trapped a leprechaun a few years ago and he fertilizes the money tree.

I do NOT do the grocery shopping, gift shopping, or clothes shopping. I also do NOT clip coupons or shop at multiple stores in order to keep the household budget, that I do NOT have, in the black.

I do NOT make meals or feed the kids breakfast or lunch. I do NOT pack lunches for school. What is lunch?

I do NOT do homework every night. I also don't make up homework assignments for my preschooler so that he feels included and can practice his letters and numbers. My kids will learn everything by osmosis.

I do NOT do lunch duty at the school. I also do NOT participate in any school parties, bake sales, or fundraisers. All kindergarteners know how to open their own milk cartons, fruit snacks, and puddings. If they don't, they can chew through the package since they probably need more fiber in their diets anyways.

I do NOT pick socks or underwear up off of the floor. The floor eats them after two hours. The floor thinks the white socks covered in mud or grass clippings are especially tasty if they are all balled up under the bed.

I do NOT make sure that all homework is done and in the proper backpack. I also do NOT return library books or make sure the kids have all of their school supplies. The backpack exchange program is a great way for the kids to learn to share.

I do NOT pick up or drop off dry cleaning. They never pay the cab fare anyways.

I do NOT wash the car or get it repaired. Dirt is a color, right?

I do NOT mow the lawn, rake leaves, or plant gardens. The leprechaun releases the goat once a week and he takes care of it.

I do NOT make sure we have healthy snacks or eat our vegetables. A family of sugared up psychotics are much more fun to watch.

I do NOT drink two pots of coffee every day. I am also never seen with a travel mug of java. My hands just have a natural shake to them.

I now understand why you all say that I don't work. Thank you for helping me see all the things that I do not do.