I, OJ Simpson, Did Not Write that Book

I would like to express a public apology about the recent events that occurred over a hypothetical book that I supposedly wrote. You see, if I indeed had written a book, which I did not, I would have written about professional football instead of murder, which I know nothing about.

However, in the event that I did write a book, this is how I would have written it.

It was a dark and stormy night. I would be sitting at my writing desk, if I owned one, and first brainstorm cool story ideas to write about. If I brainstormed, it would be something like this: running with footballs, being a movie star, the feel of footballs, puppies are cute, how movie stars brush their hair. It would not have been about murder, which I know nothing about had I written a book.

After being frustrated about brainstorming sucky ideas, I would have throw my paper in the garbage and called my ghostwriter who would have then brainstormed a really juicy idea about a murder in a hypothetical manner, which I did not conceive that idea but if I did conceive that idea, I'm sure that is how it would go.

Then we would have contacted a publisher with the juicy idea about a murder in a hypothetical manner which I know nothing about, and the publisher would think they were on to something and agree to publish my book.

Now that you see my book was all hypothetical, that it really didn't exist, you can stop being so angry? Not that you're angry but if you were angry, I might know how you would feel. I felt that way too after all the letters, emails and phone calls I received about this non-existent book and the dog poo fires that were set in my front lawn, had I written that book.

In conclusion, I would like to add that I can make myself invisible when I close my eyes. Wait for it…..wait for it………did you see me? I was invisible. Ohhhh. Look at the pretty colors.

That is what I would have said should I have been temporarily side tracked. But I wasn't. So, in conclusion, I would like to restate that I indeed apologize for the book I never wrote but speaking hypothetically, if I wrote it then I would be sorry that I did.

In conclusion, I would like to add that I can make myself invisible when I close my eyes….wait, I already said that, didn't I. Crap. I wish these keyboard things allowed you to delete stuff.

Disclaimer: This fictional article is a joke and does not reflect the opinion of the real OJ Simpson. Had he have written it.