I Open Door and See "Why Not"

Ah, The Internet. Glorious and shining, it represents a veritable frontier for all the freaks and geeks who were previously confined-and seemingly, doomed-to dwell in the shadows of their own idiocy. But now, thanks to the power of Al Gore's pulsating cyborg brain, all social outcasts and extraordinary folk alike can share common interests, fetishes, and bad Star Trek fanfiction with each other.

Don't get me wrong; the Internet is a wonderful place, just like reality. But, like reality, there are bound to be a few floaters in the gene pool-and the Internet should prove to be no exception. For example, take my friend Bill: he's an amicable fellow. I tell him, "I open my closet door and see 'why not' staring back at me." Naturally, he was confused at what I was getting at, so he opened my closet door out of pure curiosity. What he found was an old, dusty Super Nintendo sitting there, almost expecting Bill (and the subsequent look of stupidity that was painted across his face.)

"Bill," I said, "why not?"

He nodded at last, understanding my intrinsic yet questionable logic. We then proceeded to take the aging game system into my living room and played some Actraiser for a few hours.

You see, the Internet is one big "why not" to me; it's one huge, giant maw that will either cradle you in the soft, lolling spot of its tongue, or it can swallow you up while it makes a really disgusting gulping noise. (Trust me, I've seen it happen and it isn't pretty.) There are hundreds of thousands of layers of useful information, ripe for the taking-If only you, the brave digital wanderer, takes such a quest in his or her hand and stands against menacing pop-up ads that beg you to partake in all sorts of "performance enhancers." But, for every good, there is evil-and the internet is like a damn comic book, because there's a secret Volcano Lair of Terrible hidden behind every fortress of solitude. Everything seems innocent enough until you click the random Google link, which will no doubt deliver you to a bevy of undesirable ads for pills and fake dog crap and whatnot.

This can easily be tolerated with some skill and experience in the sinister ways of the web-but there are some things that no man can escape. There are some things...that try men's souls. There are things in the black hole of the internet that really make you wonder: are we alone in the universe?

...If not, then when can they start the decimation of all mankind? Because based on the pathetic acts of stupidity I've witnessed, I'm not sure how I can go on. I speak not of the winter of our discontent; I speak not of opening a door and seeing "why not."

I only ask, "why?"

This is the divine edict of the collective cesspit known as the Youtube community.

Youtube is definitely one of those aforementioned double-sided coins. You can flip heads, and come up with some entertaining clips of The Office or maybe a Dice Clay comedy special you missed a few years back. On the tails side of the equation, you might also see some genius calling himself Dax Flame lighting his room on fire and doing some pretty piss-poor acting, to boot. This particular fellow, who supposedly has "faked" an entire saga of adolescent tragedies and over-the-top drama, is pretty much the perfect strawman to beat on to prove my point.

If you're one of the lucky few who haven't heard of Dax Flame, let me clue you in on his marvelous videos. The formula runs something like this:

1) Present viewers with an awkward greeting; proceed to trip over words meaninglessly until popping jaw back into head.

2) Talk about the latest "occurrence" or "issue," selected from either Dax Flame's fictional universe of unrequited love interests or a spat he had over something equally uninteresting-like how his mom packed bologna when she should have made salami or something like that. Jesus.

3) End video with either a boring sign-off, or a premeditated, prescripted schoolboy tantrum, fake tears and all. Engage in verbal fisticuffs with people who hate you; sign off.

This is what happens in every "episode" of his little...God, I don't even know what it is. Is it a video diary of epic proportions? Or perhaps just a desperate plea for attention, much like 90% of the "director" videos on Youtube? I'll take the latter, Alex, for $200! What do we got for 'em, Johnny? Here's the answer: What do you get when you lump a potentially awkward social reject with way too much free time on his hands, and a video camera? If you said "what is Dax Flame," you win a free blogosphere trophy! (Note: Blogosphere trophies, and any blog awards thereof, are completely meaningless.)

Anyone remember that phenomenon about "lonelygirl" and her stupid Illuminati conspiracy recorded day after day? Unfortunately, I do. And more unfortunate is the fact that thousands of people contributed to "surgical residency dropout turned filmmaker" Miles Beckett's pet project of faux-hipster nonsense and general self-preening tripe.

And don't even get me started on Brooke Brodack and her brain cell-killing film work.

The problem here is that most of these "superstars" have very little to say about anything, and they're even less entertaining when they're trying so very hard to be relevant. Guys like Tony Huynh aka "Wine Coke" (or whatever the hell his Warcraft handle is, the filthy nerd) ramble on and on about how hot the weather is, why they are so bored, and why they feel that they are so useless. Now, I'm all for a little self-deprecation now and again. But too much of it tends to make me feel quite icky. All it tells me is that said director-and I'm using this term very loosely-can't muster their creativity into anything remotely interesting.

Hey Tony, if I wanted to hear about the weather, I'd turn on Fox 5 and stare at Nick Gregory's baggy eyelids. Yeah, I said it; I'd rather listen to Fox spout their biased news than hear your annoying voice one more time.

Luckily, there is a diamond in the rough. From amidst the clutter of horrible, self indulgent parlor games consisting of dopey smiles and canned laughter comes a savior.I present to you the immortal Steve Sutton, also known as "suttsteve."
Steve Sutton is a real man's man. He is a Youtube god. Where others fail, he has succeeded in every realm of the creative genius. He is the damned James Joyce in a court of terrible writers and self-styled humorists. And his robotic baritone voice? Chocolate for the ears, babe.

In the end, when humanity's imperfection takes its toll and becomes our eventual bittersweet end, Steve Sutton will stand tall and laugh. He'll laugh long and hard, cackle at our disemboweled corpses, giggle at our tancrid skulls. He'll make a funny hat out of our skins and amuse himself for quite some time. After all is done and Steve Sutton is bored, he will yawn a giant yawn, and all will begin again. Steve Sutton will once again reign supreme as the Earth's mightiest hero, its most beloved fruit. Steve Sutton is, and all that shall be, all that can be. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I have uttered that mythical phrase when presented with the task of exploring the information superhighway. And you''ll say it, too. You shall see wonderful things...wonderful, terrible things.

So, hey...why not?