I Sit on a Sink, Therefore I Am

I still vividly remember the first time I realized that I existed, that I was alive and could see the world around me. It was back when we lived in Danville, California (the first time we lived in Northern California) and I must have 3 or so. I was sitting next to the sink in the bathroom I shared with my brother, loving the elevated position I was in and feeling tall in a way I really wish I was today. My senses were aroused and were at the peak of what they could receive from the world around me (they will never be that full again sadly). The day was sunny and the sound of the bathroom fan and music (don't remember the band or artist) excited me.

Next thing I know, my dad comes into the bathroom in his blue t-shirt and wearing those thick black glasses which he has long since replaced with contacts and Lasik surgery. Looking at me, I think he said something to the extent of:

"Ben! What are you doing? It's not safe for you up there!"

My father wasn't screaming at me or anything; it was more like he was bemoaning that he wasn't keeping an eye on me. That's just my opinion in terms of what I remembered. Anyway, he picked me up and put me down on the floor after which he walked out to go back and do whatever the heck he was doing. Being on the floor with so many objects towering over me was far from pleasant, so naturally I jumped back up to the sink and sat myself there. Now I felt better.

But then in comes my mother, looking like she was in her early 20's. She has never ever looked her age, and none of that was ever the result of plastic surgery. Seeing me sitting on my designated pedestal, she also was complaining that I couldn't sit up there also. Once again, one of my parental figures removed me from my perch and put me on the floor level where the cold tiles of the bathroom only increased my frustration at my place in life, let alone the floor. I don't really remember much after that...

All these years later, now living in my own apartment where the furnace should be on more often, I keep thinking back to that moment and wonder why that was my first memory of anything. It's like I was still in sleep mode when I came out of my mother's womb and never fully woke up until that moment. I keep wondering about what could have happened before that. I was born in North Carolina, but I don't remember anything of that place because my family moved away before I even turned two years old. What fascinates me so much is how I suddenly came into being at that point in time. Also, was Shirley McClaine right in saying we had all these past lives?

My fascination with life grew from that moment on, and it has never stopped despite now having to pay bills and work a 9 to 5 job that doesn't inspire all too much. Evolution is constant in all our lives (suck it Kirk Cameron), and we grow from one stage of life to the next. Sometimes we impatiently wait for certain stages like being able to drive a car, and others we are as patient as can be like getting to age 40 (anybody in a hurry for that?). But what fascinates me even more is where I came from before that.

Back then, everything was full of wonder and discovery was everywhere to be found. It was a big world, and here I am in this little tiny body waiting to see what there is to learn next. I remember being terrified by these big plants my mom had put in the family room and thinking it would swallow me up if I stood too close. Going through the grass in the back yard of our Georgia home, blowing at flowers, watching smoke travel from this little fire my dad put together up into the air and thinking that's how clouds were created, etc. So many things were around me to learn about.

But looking at life now, I have a hard time believing that my existence just started from sitting on top of that sink. We all must have had past lives and been part of the recycling of the human race. Maybe this thing called life is all a big test (and I'm not talking about intelligent design) to see if we humans can ever learn from our mistakes. What this past decade has told us that many of us still haven't, but maybe there is hope for those who want it. Still, life is full of discoveries, and we are motivated by this feeling that our lives and spirits won't just stop with the beating of our hearts. There is another plain of existence we have yet to discover, and we are all part of some greater force that we may never fully understand.

In the meantime, it's those little memories I have that I try to hold onto and remember for what they were. This very first memory if mine is something I never ever want to lose which is why I have written this down. My apologies if I have been babbling all over the place, but there are still many discoveries I hope to make in life, and the need to discover started with me sitting on that sink all those many years ago.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to stand on my desk and feel taller than I am for a change. My parents aren't here, so they can't stop me and put me down. I hope this wood is sturdy...