I Take Comfort in Knowing My Ex is Still a Complete Douchebag

I saw my ex recently at a friend's birthday party. Although my life hasn't turned out quite the way I thought it would, I've taken consolation in the fact that my ex-boyfriend is still a complete douchebag. In fact, whenever I get down and feel like my life is pathetic and hopeless, I just take a quick look at his MySpace page, and I feel better.

The only time I see this guy any more is when he shows up at my friend's parties. Not because he's friends with any of my friends, because none of my friends even like him. He used to date my friend's younger cousin, and he usually weasels his way in through her. This is just one of my ex's douchebaggy traits. He always has to date girls who are way younger than him. When we dated, we were the same age. Then he dumped me for a girl who was a few years younger. Then he dumped her for a girl who was a few years younger than her. Now, we're in our mid-twenties, and he's still dating girls who are in high school. Lame. I go out with my husband for drinks and this guy is driving his girlfriend to the junior prom. And it's not like he's just one of those guys who is always trading in for a "newer model." Oh no. His girlfriends get exponentially uglier and dorkier. It's more just the fact that the only girls who are stupid enough to date this guy are those who have very little dating experience, or standards.

If you ask my ex how things are going, he will start talking to you about a whole series of lame things including his beanie baby collection, his continuing fascination with high school musicals (probably because his girlfriends are in them), and his love of Kenny G. Collecting beanie babies wasn't even a cool hobby when he was 15, but it's much less cool now that he's 25. What's more, beanie babies aren't even cool by old lady standards anymore. My mom used to be obsessed with them and even she has moved on. But not this guy. He still loves them and knows all of their names. The truly sad part is, the beanie babies are still cooler than he is.

This guy was the only guy I ever dated who knew less about sports than I did. And he still knows less than I do. He doesn't even watch football. He prefers to watch cross country (and realistically, probably figure skating as well). This guy also used to dance in musicals and once in a parade. He doesn't look good in regular clothes but he really doesn't look good in a unitard. His excuse for this behavior was that it was a good way to meet girls. Yes, it's a good way to meet dorky, desperate high school girls. And it looks like that's really paid off for him.

We broke up almost ten years ago, but he still shows up at my parents' house to visit. Now, that might be acceptable if he was a family friend or my parents like him, but they don't, and they have made this blatantly obvious. My dad practically threw him a going away party after we broke up. Yet, year after year, he'll stop by because he was "just passing through." So pathetic.

Now obviously my past taste in men has not been great. However, over the years, I've developed a policy of not dating anyone who is more of a woman than I am. But this guy definitely has me beat. He's constantly checking his hair, washing his hands, complaining if it's too hot or cold, and planning out his outfits. Ridiculous.

Once, while we were dating, this guy took me shopping with his mom. I was fooled into going along with them because I thought that shopping seemed normal enough. And it was, until we entered the mall and his mom requested that I go pick out all of his clothes for him. I thought she was joking and started laughing...really hard. I thought, boy, I guess this family does have a sense of humor after all. But then I turned around and saw them staring at me with blank expressions on their faces. It was at this point that it became apparent that they were serious. After arguing with his mother for 45 minutes about why I do not and will not pick out my boyfriend's clothes, she finally relented and allowed him to pick out clothes on his own. When he did, I suddenly wished I had picked out his clothes for him. We spent the next 45 minutes checking for "sock flaws," which apparently are small anomalies in socks that are "quite common" and seemingly quite disconcerting to this douchebag.

After meeting up with my ex again, I thought maybe he had grown up and changed. I was wrong. When I met him, he walked up to me with a giant smile and we went through all the stupid formalities. Hi, how are you, all that crap. I introduced him to my fiancée and he immediately stormed off. Apparently he was angry that I had moved on after ten years. Then he got "mad" at his date and left. Later, he called some other girl at the party on her cell phone, and requested to talk to me. So, after a lot of badgering, I answered the phone. The conversation went a little something like this.

Me: Hello?

Douchebag: Hey

Me: *pause* what does this guy want?

Douchebag: I just wanted to talk to you some more.

Me: Wow, I guess you shouldn't have left then, because I'm here and you're not...and you don't have my phone number. *click*

He never returned to the party. I can't say I was sad. I often have to ask myself why I ever dated this guy in the first place. It was probably because I was young and stupid, and had no taste in men. Since then, I've become much cooler and more intelligent, and he's become dorkier and more pathetic. The best part of having an ex like this is the instant pick-me-up you get from catching up with him. Ladies, if you don't have an ex like this, you should get one asap. You will never feel cooler, more attractive or more intelligent.