I Think I Can Beat John Bolton - Literally

The Economist reported today that President Bush bypassed Congress and appointed controversial nominee John Bolton as ambassador to the United Nations. The appointment is pretty characteristic of what we've come to expect from the Bush administration--an underhanded but legal tactic that will work, but bypass the normal procedures for such appointments. The president made a "recess appointment", putting Bolton to work while Congress is in recess. This allows Mr. Bolton to serve until the next congressional term begins in January 2007.

Bolton is not only controversial because he's made a number of anti-UN statements ("It wouldn't make a difference if the New York secretariat building lost ten stories."; Personally signing an official letter telling the U.N. that the U.S. would have nothing to do with any International Criminal Court; "There's no such thing as the United Nations."), but because he's also a notorious asshole. There have been reports of him bullying and yelling at junior staffers, and in general his demeanor and language is forceful, brash, and uncompromising.

The question that's most important here seems to be whether or not Bolton's personality and position will lend itself to progress and change within the UN, instead of regression or more resentment towards the US. Some guess that Mr. Bolton, in his unfamiliar new surroundings, won't be as harsh or forceful as he's been in the past, and hope that he'll be more open to working with the other delegates.

Why leave it up to chance? I've got a suggestion that will almost certainly work: let me get a crack at him.

There are several reasons I'll outline here which will show that without a doubt, my beating the shit out of new UN ambassador John Bolton will lead to a better future for America.

First, let's discuss my odds of winning. Bolton was born on 20 November, 1948, which makes him 57 years old, which is almost exactly two-and-a-half times my age. I'm younger, fitter (if the pictures are any indication), and healthier than his old ass.

And just look at the guy. When I first read about his behavior and exploits, I was surprised. 'This is the guy who's supposed to be intimidating people?' I wondered. 'He looks like someone's nerdy uncle.' This mustachioed character reminds me of Mr. Potato-Head when you put on the eyebrows under the nose and make him wear the little plastic glasses.

Also, high-ranking bureaucrats generally aren't aggressive outside of the parameters that they feel comfortable in. He may be a bully when it comes to his over-the-top views on foreign policy, but I'd be willing to bet that once I delivered the first punch to the face he'd cower in the corner like a dog being punished for soiling the carpet.

Finally, I have a suspicion that his aggression comes from an attempt to overcome low self-esteem and a deeper lack of confidence that may reside deep within. I think this deep-seated weakness will reveal itself the moment he's threatened with a physical beating, and he will then beg for mercy which he will not be rewarded with.

"But Chris," you may wonder, "what good would beating up the man who stopped the Florida recount in 2000 and serves as 'Rumsfeld's man in the State Department' do, besides, you know, catharsis?"

There are many benefits to my pummeling John Bolton senseless, including the satisfying catharsis that would surely come afterwards. There's the comedy aspect of it; the fact that I would be championed as a hero by liberals and internationalists around the world; and of course the hot activist girls who would be vying for my attention.

But the most important reward has been taught to all of us as we grew up, mostly in places like schoolyards, sporting events, and in bars. That lesson is that when bullies get beat up, they tend to think twice the next time they start bullying. I suspect that brutally kicking and punching Mr. Bolton to the edge of his consciousness would bring him back to a level of humility that most people use when dealing with others, something that the ambassador appears to have forgotten.