I Think Someone is Mad at the Guy in the White House

I was surfing around the net when I ran across something that I want to share with you. The following is a "rewrite" of the Constitution of the United States. It seems that someone was a bit upset at the man in the White House!

The Constitution of the United States ¹

Article I: The Executive

All governmental power of whatever sort shall be vested in a President of the United States. He shall hold office during a series of terms of four years each, and shall take the following oath: "I do solemnly swear that I will (in so far as I deem it feasible and convenient) faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will (to the best of my recollection and in the light of experiment and second thought) carry out the pledges made by me during my campaign for election (or such of them as I may select)."

...

To repeal or amend, in his discretion, any so-called natural law, including Gresham's law, the law of diminishing returns, and the law of gravitation.

Article II: The Legislative

... Every bill shall be prepared under the direction of the President, and transmitted to the two Houses at his order by their presiding officers. No member shall propose any amendment to a bill without permission in writing from the President or one of his authorized agents. In case any member shall doubt the wisdom of a bill he may apply to the President for light upon it, and thereafter he shall be counted as voting aye. In all cases a majority of members shall be counted as voting aye.

...

Article IV: The Bill of Rights

There shall be complete freedom of speech and of the press - subject to such regulations as the President or his agents may from time to time promulgate.

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And if the above didn't convey the author's sentiments concerning the President, take a look at how he proposed that the Declaration of Independence be translated into the common vernacular:

The Declaration of Independence (In American) ²

WHEN things get so balled up that the people of a country got to cut loose from some other country, and go it on their own hook, without asking no permission from nobody, excepting maybe God Almighty, then they ought to let everybody know why they done it, so that everybody can see they are not trying to put nothing over on nobody...

* He vetoed bills in the Legislature that everybody was in favor of, and hardly nobody was against...

* He let the army run things to suit their self and never paid no attention whatsoever to nobody which didn't wear no uniform...

* He has burned down towns, shot down people like dogs, and raised hell against us...

* When a man keeps on handing out such rough stuff all the time, all you can say is that he ain't got no class and ain't fitten to have no authority over people who have got any rights, and he ought to be kicked out...

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In my opinion, that's some pretty strong stuff. I would say that the guy has a great future as a satirist or commentator except for one minor problem: the author died in 1956.

The author of the above excerpts was H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) and the president in question was Franklin Roosevelt. And as far as I'm concerned there has never been, nor will there ever be, a writer that is fit to stand in Mencken's shadow. It's sort of a stretch in the cause and effect department, but H. L. Mencken is (very indirectly) responsible for my being here this evening. And it all goes back to a movie that most people have never seen and probably wouldn't understand.

In the summer of 1925 a schoolteacher in Dayton, TN was put on trial for teaching the Theory of Evolution after the state legislature had passed a law making it a misdemeanor to do so. The trial itself degenerated into what was probably the first "media circus" in the history of American journalism. And none other than H. L. Mencken provided the newspaper commentary for most of the country.³

Thirty years later the story of the trial was made into a successful Broadway play called Inherit the Wind ⁴and, as was usually the case in those days, Hollywood adapted it into a movie of the same name with Gene Kelley as the character based on Mencken.

My uncle took me to see that movie when I was all of eleven years old. As I've mentioned several times in other essays, I went into that theater not knowing the difference between an atheist and an avocado and came out 2 1/2 hours later as a newly converted cynic. I have yet to lose my cynical fervor.

I have other writers that I admire and attempt to emulate, but I think I can say that there will never be another Henry Louis Mencken.

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1. Constitution for the New Deal: http://www.lewrockwell.com/orig/mencken1.html

2. The Declaration of Independence (In American): http://www.io.com/gibbonsb/mencken/declaration.html

3. See http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/scopes/menk.htm for a summary of Mencken's commentary on the Scopes Trial. At the bottom of the page are links to transcripts of the full reports filed by Mencken as the trial progressed. An excellent, but brief, Mencken biography can be found online at http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/scopes/menckenh.htm.

4. The Internet Movie Database (IMBD) pages dedicated to Inherit the Wind can be found at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0053946/

"A good politician under democracy is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar." (HL Mencken)