I Used to Love Her

I'm not going to sit here and quote from the bible or from some dead author, poet, or playwright. It's better I tell you from my life experiences; in my own words and from the heart. Being open, honest, and sincere to people can come easy for some, but not me at times. You see I've only found the true me about five years or so.

There are alot of broken hearts along the way of my journey in life. Memories, lessons, situations, people, I would conveniently like to forget. Then at the same time, if I hadn't gone through the struggle I would've learned what I have about myself and most importantly the people I thought who loved, cared, and mostly had my back. You see I wasn't the most loving, caring individual I am today, but it's a constant work in progress for much of the day. If it sounds like I'm rambling on, or preaching to my congregation; I sincerely apologize.

For myself; it's my therapy to talk about myself, especially the struggle I've been through. I look at this way as maybe I can possibly help someone who may read this and not make the same mistakes I've made over the majority of my adult life. Hell, it's a struggle today, but I found the voice in myself to let someone know what goes through my head sometimes. It may make some sense or not. It may even help someone along the way on how they look at people, or better yet relationships as a whole.

I met her when I was in my early twenties, and she was in high school at the time. We met through a mutual acquaintance, who in turn hooked me up with her cousin. Her cousin and I immediately hit it off to say the least, but trust me nothing really serious. Just your normal bump and grind kind of relationship, because mainly we were both in relationships. That's another story all together; I won't go there not now at least. Her cousin and I hit it off for several years on and off, but towards the end of our so-called fling she called me out of the blue and asked me out for a date. By this time I had my first child, but wasn't with his mother at the time. She was a couple years older than when I met her several years back, but in my eyes immature to me. She was six years younger than me, but had a old soul about the way she carried herself. It shown through on our first date and it wasn't before long that she wanted me to see her for what she was. "A Woman" When I look back at it now I could've recognized what she was trying to say and do for me to understand her true feelings for me.

From '92 to '96 I dogged her out and didn't give to much thought of what I was doing to her or more importantly my dam self. She hid in closets, in the back of cars, meet me in cheap hotels, lied to herself and others just to be with me on occasions. I remember this one incident when she hid my keys after having sex with me so I couldn't go home to my girlfriend at the time. I was told her what she needed and wanted to hear so I could make my so-called life easier to bear. She really was a good girl back then. If I said jump; she would do it and ask if that was high enough, because she could go higher if that wasn't high enough for me. By early '96 she heard all my lies and what have you, and we both moved on. Come the summer of '00 I reached out to her and attempted to mend fences with her as best as I could. I gave her my usual story on me growing up and being a better man crap and of course she fell back in, but this time more adult like. She was in her mid twenties and I was in my early thirties. I had three children from three different woman and was on the verge of getting a divorce. She had four children herself and was just fresh out of a relationship with a married man. I was a little taken back about her having four kids in four years, but she had triplets two years earlier and a child a year before, but whom am I to judge since I had three baby mama's. She at least had some sense to have the same father for all four. We picked up where we left off and didn't look back for several months, until my old selfish ways reappeared. I worked fifty to sixty hours a week and on my down time I played as hard as I worked. She lived in one state and I lived in another, meant I had card Blanche' to do whatever I so desired. From mutual sex partners at one time to pictures and video of me in the act. I really was at my worst, but I couldn't see what it was doing to myself and more importantly the person who cared and loved about me most. She always said whatever female showed me some attention was the female I would bed next and she wasn't lying. By the time came for us to take the next step and move in together, I was a full grown DOG. "WOOF, WOOF"

My lies weren't lies anymore. One weekend I stayed out and came back with the story of me getting abducted by three guys on the side of a major highway. That was the beginning of the end for me and her, but I continued on with my lies and deceit. It was by spring of '02 that our relationship and my life hit rock bottom. I had the nerve to get involved with a much younger female and she had my nose opened up wide. She said and did all the things I needed to hear. Sounds familiar, huh? By the time it was over, which was less than six months; I knew it was truly time for me to make some changes in my life and do it fast. I tried with all my heart, mind, and soul to get her to forgive me and let's move forward together. By the end of '02 we seemingly had gotten back on track for a happily ever after ending. Early '03 we moved into our second house together and we had a good year with me being a responsible person, man, boyfriend, father, friend, provider, and so on. A not so funny thing happened on the way; she had a mental breakdown. It seems after years dealing with my bullsh*t and drama along with her dysfunctional family finally broken her mental state. It took her nearly six months to finally get up out of bed and have a normal day, without her having an anxiety attack along the way. That really tested our metal as a couple and as two separate individuals.

There were times I wish it was me going through the mental state she was going through, and at times she let me know in no uncertain way it was my fault she was the way she was because of me. She went on to say, she looked as me as the person who would take her away from her dysfunctional family and love her the way she loved everyone in her life. Of course we know how I treated her, but I came back at her with if I couldn't help her through this major ordeal that the right way than I was know better than I was before in years past. I loved her at that time and wanted to show her I meant it with all my heart and soul. I gotten very close to her children whom I took into my heart as mine. There was a change in her around spring of '04 that I couldn't put my finger on, but now I see in hindsight. That Christmas of '03 was one of our best days together. From the atmosphere to the food and gifts was incredible, but by the time Christmas '04 came about; it was a total change.

I already knew she was seeing other people through a cyber dateline or two, but she truly showed me how she felt about me when she gave me seemingly last minute dollar gifts and the atmosphere and food were non existent to say the least. Early '05 she sat down and told me she was leaving me so she could find herself and such, but for some reason I held out hope for her to return to me better than ever. You know in love with me like never before, because she seen the error of her ways. Yeah right! I held out for her nearly two years, as she did and said all the things I used to say to her. It seemed like I was living in a "Bizzaro World." It was like a out of body experience to see someone you thought you knew do and say things you never thought in a million years see come to fruition. She told me on several occasions she didn't want me anymore, but come right back later and say she loves me and can't be without me, but the whole time she's still doing the cyber dating thing, living with someone, and seeing other people at the same time. It's like we totally switched personalities or bodies. It's like a Sci-fi movie and I'm stuck in the T.V. For some time I wanted to see her for the last time and get some things off my chest. Just ask why she did what she, and why didn't she just tell me how she felt truthfully without the back forth with my heart. I'm back with my first wife; hell my only wife really. We moved into this beautiful home in the suburbs and we're enjoying each other again like we did when we first married. She's my friend, my lover, my boo, my girl, my woman, my heart, my wife, and I'm finally enjoying my life after all my drama. As I tell anyone; it's not perfect, but we love and respect each other everyday.