I Want to Have a Baby But He Doesn't
I have put off having a baby until I knew I could give my child the benefit of a two parent home. Days go by, years go by, so I make my decision to be a single parent, enter fate and suddenly I am face to face with "him". A few inches shorter than I imagined, a few dollars poorer than I want, but more than I ever hoped for in a man. Yes, I get flowers, dinner, the house cleaned, and chauffeured, all this from a man who hasn't missed a day at the gym since the 10th grade, and he doesn't want to have a child.
In my confused state, I have gotten the advice/opinion of several people. Some them were female, some of them were male. Some of them were my friends, some of them were his friends. I've asked a stranger, spoke to a pastor and started a discussion thread on iVillage.com.
What did they say? Oddly, they all had the same answer. Yes the stranger, the pastor, and the online participants all say that it comes down to a choice. A choice that I am not prepared to make, but none the less have to make.
I have to decide between Mr. Wonderful and motherhood. I have two choices and two hopes. I can choose to keep the relationship that I've waited my entire life to find or choose to end it and become a single Mom at 40 something or, I can hope that Mr. Wonderful changes his mind. The last hope I have is to say god-bye to Mr. Wonderful wait for Mr. Right and pray he wants a child.
Mr. Wonderful's reasons for not wanting a child are valid. He is already the father of two and has experienced fatherhood. He also says his age. He feels he is too old. He just wants to wait for grandchildren. His main reason for not wanting another baby is that he wants to travel and have fun doing the things he couldn't do because he had small children.
There are days when I am resentful, but then he does something to remind me why we're together in the first place. Then there are days when I feel as if I have myself convinced that life with him is worth every moment of living childfree, then a commercial comes on TV or an expecting mother walks by me and I am thrown back to a deep desire to have a baby.
Often I drift off into my own little world. A world where I know for a fact that Murphy's Law will always be there to comfort me. My scenario tends to go like this: 5 years have passed since the day I told him good bye. I had this weird feeling in my gut that my usual shopping trip would be different. I grabbed a shopping cart and started down my usual path through the store.
This time, I decide to stop in electronics and whom do I see. It's him, Mr. Wonderful. He still looks good with his perfect teeth accessorized by those damned dimples. We exchange pleasantries and then he asks the question..."where is the baby?" I reply," I was unable to have a baby and it is just me, myself, and I."
I know my scenario does nothing for those of you reading this for an answer. For you men, when we (women) have the need to be a mother, it is a feeling that does not go away. The emotion stays with us and doesn't fade with time. It is a pain in my heart that I wake up too everyday. A pain that runs deep into the deepest part of my soul.
When I am out and about or watching TV it seems that everyone is pregnant or has a baby except me. He, Mr. Wonderful, makes his jokes, has his remarks and reminds me of the promise he's made to his ex-wife (that's a whole 'nother story) whenever I get that look in my eye. All I can do is, understand his feelings, respect his wishes, and remember what my choices are. I have to ask myself is this man's love worth more than my desire to have a baby?
That is a question that lingers each night as I close my eyes and each morning as I open them, all the while lying next to "him". So you see, there is no answer, there is no right or wrong, there is only a choice, only a decision.
Published by Lakota
I have always been an outspoken broad minded individual.I love public speaking and giving presentations.I have had the fortune of living on both coasts and being raised in the Midwest. Diversity is a must fo... View profile
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17 Comments
Post a CommentThank you for sharing your story. My boyfriend of 4 years just told me he does not want a child through conception or adoption. I told him within 2 months of our relationship that I wanted marriage and children. He did not say no, we had casual conversations about having children but there was really no commitment from him. He has 3 teenage boys, whom I adore and I am so in love with my boyfriend. I was a pediatric nurse for 5 years and people always tell me how wonderful I am with children and I would make a wonderful mother. I am so happy with my life now; where we live, my occupation, his family and our friends. How do I make this decision? Could I be happy with dogs, traveling, his boys and their children? I feel for your position, this was an old posting but you were still in this situation.
I am in the same situation. I'm with a man that does not want children. He wants to travel. He doesn't even want to live in the state we live in now. I love him but I want children. My ex-husband wanted children but we were unable to have any because of his low sperm count. I feel if my boyfriend loved me enough he would want to start a family one day. I almost feel like maybe he really doesn't think I'm worth it.
I am in a similar situation. I waited 10 years to have a baby. Waited 10 long years with my husband who said just wait another 18 months. I finally left him and found the love of my life who flat out does not want more children. Now my ex has decided that now is the time. I have to decide to remain childless with Mr. Right or go back to Mr. Wrong to have the baby I want so badly. I feel that if he really loved me he would want to have a baby. I'm still contemplating. To go back to Mr. Wrong I would have to "settle" to stay with Mr. Right I would have to "settle" At least one way would include a baby.
I feel for you.. I am divorced with children to a previous marriage and decided after my last baby to not have anymore as I felt it was enough. Now im in a new relationship of 2yrs with a man that I love with all my heart and treats my kids wonderfully. We discussed our feelings on having a baby of our own and I just felt so natural about the whole idea and agreed to it. When I first met him as a friend he did say between conversations he didnt plan to marry(which is now changed =) or have a child due to personal reasons such as career and financial stability and also bringing a child into a world so full of pollution and problems he calls it... We talked about the issue for the next few months and for a whole year we finally decided to plan to have a child after we marry which is in 2 months. Well 6 months ago he dropped a bomb and confessed that he tried everything to be on the same level as me to want our baby and that he can no longer lie to me.. He cant have a child for many reaso
Excellent article that will likely help others in this situation. I hope you ended up making the decision you were happy with. :-)
He probably just isn't the guy for you. If you two aren't married; it's an easy decision. A lot of us are married and in that exact same situation, which changes things. I'm a firm believer that people can come around in time; I want children, but I also want to truly be able to provide for that child. But I'm from an old fashioned conservative family that wants everything to be perfect, and my life has been anything put. To me it's just one more thing that hasn't been planned to perfection. Yet at the same time if it were to happen tomorrow it would be the best thing ever. Yet I sit on the fence. If at this time in your life this is the road you must cross think about how much time you have, what options this man is willing to take a serious look at. If there is no compromise on the matter then you have your answer.
Can you live without ever having a baby? I can't. So at 32, I've decided to become a single mother. The way I see it is that I have a tiny window of time to have a baby, and the next 50 years to meet my soulmate. Good luck, I know how wrenching it is not to be able to have what we're biologically programmed to create, even though you've played by the rules and gone out on a limb.
I am in the EXACT same situation. this man is my heart, my soulmate, I love him so much. How can I live without him?
But I have no ring on my finger, no home to call my own. I think at least a child will be mine, and a man, even a wonderful man, may just walk away. Both of my best friends are pregnant, with men they are NOT that into, so ironic, I have all the love and romance and they have the men and babies. I am just trying to let life decide for me. Being a single mom is scary but a lifetime alone is worse.
not sure, but I am here for you. In my own little way.
good luck. hugs.
t
I am in the EXAct same situation. this man is my heart, my soulmate, OI love him so much. But I have no ring on my finger, no home to call my own. I think at least a child will be mine, and a man, even a wonderful man, may just walk away. Both of my best friends are pregnant, with men they are NOT that into, so ironic, I have all the love and romance and they have the men and babies. I am just trying to let life decide for me. Being a single mom is scary but a lifetime alone is worse.
not sure, but I am hear for you. In my own little way.
good luck. hugs.
t
Thanks for sharing this very personal story. Great article!