I Want a Mouthful for Christmas

Let's face it. No one in his right mind wants nothing for Christmas besides two front teeth. Whoever made up that silly song must have never tried serious chewing.

I mean, what can you do with nothing but two front teeth? Get real. You could bite into an apple, maybe. But without bottom teeth, even that would be very difficult. Just for fun, let's give that Pollyanna song writer the benefit of the doubt and pretend it's possible to bite into an apple with nothing but two front teeth. Then what? Big whoop! You'd have a bite of apple in your mouth, but wouldn't be able to chew it up. Swallowing would be downright dangerous!

Let's move on to another popular food item: hotdogs. No American diet is complete without hotdogs! Eating a hotdog with nothing but two front teeth would not be easy, but may be possible with the following creative technique:

(1) Set the hotdog on the table.
(2) Lean forward.
(3) Plunge your two precious teeth into the hotdog and make a sawing motion with your head.

Such an approach might result in the successful severing of the hotdog. But with nothing but two front teeth, the hotdog would also be a choking hazard, so I wouldn't advise it.

My advice? Don't ask Santa for nothing but two front teeth for Christmas; ask him for a mouthful. Only then will your stomach be satisfied and your life spared from lack of chewing. Merry Christmas, and bon appetite!

Note: I orginally published this story on FaithWriters under the pen name "Shanti Singh." I'm dusting it off and sharing it here just for fun.