I was a Normal Type of Guy

The year was 1994 and I was in my first year at Saddleback Community College in Mission Viejo. The past year had been a tumultuous one; besides meeting my first boyfriend at prom, being outed to all my friends, and high school graduation anxiety, my parents had moved to South Carolina leaving me to make my way through college. Now I found myself being immersed in a new culture I had heretofore no knowledge of... gay culture. I didn't know how to react. I was at a point in my life where I was finally free to be myself without consciously censoring every thought and action. I no longer had to alter pronouns to hide who I was dating, or even attracted to. I was a member of the Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Association at the college, and I was "fitting in" finally. This is when I made a shocking discovery.

The next year I ran into a friend I had known from high school and was in the middle of "coming out" when he replied, "dude, I can kinda tell... what happened to you?" Naturally I was both offended and intrigued. As we spoke I noted his discomfort as he relayed some stunning personality changes in me. Stunning because I had not noticed these changes, not consciously anyhow. It seemed that I was now a prime example of personality traits that I had been careful not to cultivate my entire life until then. Apparently I was an effeminate, lisping, prancing, preening version of my former self. (I realize now that his own fear had magnified my traits in his eyes, I wasn't THAT bad.)

I then had to step back and take a good look at myself in the mirror. It wasn't that I was necessarily ashamed of how he saw me, but that I had not noticed these personality traits in me prior to this conversation. Where had they come from? Why hadn't I noticed that I was acting so differently in only a year's time? And how had these changes come about in the first place?

Over time, a lot of things became apparent to me:

A. I had a need to fit in with the "gay culture" that I had recently joined.

B. After years of hiding my identity, I had an intense desire to be noticed as gay; to stand up for my rights and find a boyfriend.

C. Prior to now, I'd only the gay stereotype for an example.

I came to the realization that I had unconsciously been incorporating OGT's, or Obviously Gay Traits, into my personality because I thought that was the way a gay man was supposed to behave. I was also determined to stand up for my rights after years of standing up for every cause other than my own. My mind, focused as it was on the stereotypes, chose to emulate the most visible examples of student leadership in the gay community- rainbow flag carrying, pride ring wearing, and outspoken.

To incorporate what I have learned in lecture from Dr. Hogan this semester, in Freudian terms, my EGO- the conscious part of me- no longer felt the need to censor or wanted to control my actions in the sense of espousing strictly "non-gay" tendencies; Quite the opposite, in fact. I was aware of a certain desire to finally have a place to fit in society, so my SUPEREGO- the place that both consciously and unconsciously sets morals and ideals- abandoned the constant reminders of what I WASN'T supposed to be, and substituted what I had learned of the gay stereotype so that I could both:

1. Conform to a new crowd- begin to incorporate a new set of ideals and actions into my lifestyle- and

2. Satisfy my ID- the most basic of needs and desires- when I could.

Later, I realized that not only had I developed this new persona but I had also retained my old one which seemed to automatically come forth when I was around my parents, or people I thought might be a problem to me if they suspected I was gay. I was amazed to discover that the change of personality was on an instinctual level, requiring no conscious thought- not even to identify those who could possibly be a problem to me. Somewhere deep in my superego, my unconscious mind had already set and categorized people and situations and how to react around them.

It was searching my nature and making these discoveries about myself that eventually led to my decision to learn more about psychology and the human mind. It is my hope that I can one day use my knowledge to help those who have had similar experiences mine come to understanding and terms with themselves with a hand and voice to guide them, rather than blindly, as I did.

Now that I am older, I no longer have to worry about so many separate personae. I have no need to show different faces to anybody, no one to hide from, and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. My unconscious mind has fewer fears as my coming out process settled, relationships come and gone, and family issues have reached a calm point. I like to think that somewhere in the middle of the personality extremes I had grown up with is where I ended up and that, consciously or not- I'm still just a normal type of guy.