I Wish that You Could See You as I See You

I have wondered what it would be like to be a striking beauty. I have heard and read that it is much harder for extraordinarily beautiful women to age. I don't have that problem. Number two always tries harder. I am not ugly, just average. I was always too short to be taken seriously. I guess women like me work harder to be more. More what? Just more. We try harder to be liked, accepted and loved. Beauty can be a curse. It isn't always but if a person doesn't really cultivate himself or herself, they can be doomed.

I am grateful for that now. Don't get me wrong, I still am not thrilled with the aging process. I am not thrilled with bags, sags and age spots. I am not thrilled with not attracting the attention of men, not that I was ever one to make guys go wild. But come on when you reach not even middle age, but 60? Don't believe all that crap about 60 being the new 40 or whatever. 60 is still just that 60.

I am getting off track. This didn't start off being about me and my self-pity about being an average, aging, matron. It was about grieving over the loss of a friend who is in the process of dying of alcoholism and prescription drug addiction. Actually I have 2 friends that are dying from drug addiction. They are both women that I have sponsored in the past. One lives close to me and I see her deteriorating by the week. These women were very beautiful and vain. The one was more beautiful in her head. She was very sexual and her value revolved around her ability to seduce men. She now is pathetic, lined, and very sick from her addiction. She looks at least 20 years older than her 55.

It is the other one that I really bonded with. She was an artist's model. She was gorgeous, blond, green-eyed and had a body that women dream to have and so do men. Of course women want to look like she used to look. Men just wanted her. She was talented, smart, educated and fun to be around. That was when she was sober.

When she sometimes tries to quit drinking she gets the shakes, diarrhea, and chills and her liver is seriously affected now. After a couple of days she starts drinking again. She has a little boy that is effected by her drinking along with a boyfriend that was also drop-dead gorgeous. He is also suffering from watching her die. I am not so sure that he is sober either. I have done all that I can do for her and for him. All I can do now is pray for them. It doesn't stop me from anticipating the grief.

Several years back I had another friend, but not nearly as close as I was to this one. She also suffered from alcoholism and the need to stay young and beautiful. She couldn't get over the fact that she was getting older. I am sure there were other issues but like Stacy she couldn't deal with the loss of male attention and the envy of women.

That sad thing is that they were both loved just for whom they were. They just couldn't accept themselves. She ended up catching herself on fire and dying a hideous, grotesque death. It shocked and horrified our community.

Lately I have been expecting to hear that my friend is gone. A mutual friend of ours just died this week of cancer. He wanted to see her before he died. I told him I was sorry but that she wouldn't come. She couldn't deal with it. The truth is that she can't deal with anything now. I haven't given up hope for her, but the odds are not good. I know as I write this poem, the tears will come. All I have felt lately is just a hopeless sadness.

This one is for you Stacy.

I wish you could see yourself as I saw you,
Beautiful, kind and gentle and true,
Regal, head held high,
You lit up the sky,
With your smile.

I wish you could see yourself as I saw you,
As I remember you.
Paintbrush in hand,
In full command,
Talent, and wit,
Yet full of grit.

I wish you could see yourself as I saw you,
More than just a pretty face,
Beneath the mane of hair,
Gentleness and care was there.

I wish you could see yourself as I saw you.
Humor and intelligence,
Confidence in your profession,
Men lusted after you in silent confession.

I wish that you could have seen yourself as I saw you.
Your veneer was always there.
Feelings were your enemy.
Only humor and superficiality,
You never could take care,
Of the hurt, and pain,
Never let the walls come down.

I wish you could see yourself as I saw you,
Beneath the mask and glitter.
I could see the flitter,
Of sadness, and ache.
Makes my heart break,
To think of it.

You felt I betrayed you.
I couldn't enable you.
I had to be true to your baby.
Protect him from your disease.
I had to out of love.

I wish you could see yourself as I saw you.
Held you while you wept.
Tried again to sober up,
But again you gave in
To the demons within.

I wish you could see yourself as I saw you,
Breathtaking in artist's eyes,
Hollow now full of loss,
Death is close,
I wish I could rescue you.
I wish I could reach you,
I grief.

God holds you in his hands,
I wish you could feel it.
I wish you could love yourself like He does.
I wish you could feel the love that we all have for you,
Instead of consumed with self-hate.
Before it is too late.

I wish you could see you, as I saw you.
I love you dear friend.