I Wonder What Kind of Wedding Vows They Took in Utah (where that Woman is Still Missing)?

I would like to take a stab at an answer -pardon the pun. From my perspective, we set women up to fail because of societies expectations that they will stay in a marriage, no matter what, and that concept is re-enforced with traditional wedding vows such as the following:

Traditional Wedding Vows

From the website, traditional wedding vows, I, (name), take you, (name), to be my friend, my lover, the (mother/father) of my children and my (husband/wife). I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and stay with you, for all eternity.

Or

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

While these are idealistic goals, the reality is sometimes people don't show their true colors until after the marriage vows. After the bells ring, people can change, particularly from life changing events - and no matter how hard the other person tries to get the old person back, they cannot. Sometimes addiction sets in and the addict breaks the marriage contract through infidelity or reckless selfishness such as verbal or physical abuse. When a marriage becomes second to one person's desires, in my opinion, the other person has a right to change the contract and declare the relationship over.

John Gray, a popular author equates the differences between men and women as synonymous as being from different planets, in his book entitled "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".

In John's first chapter he sets the tone of the novel outlined in the following summary, which was found on Wikepedia:

It is important to remember that men and women have reciprocally different natures. Men and women need to appreciate these differences, and cease expecting each other to act and feel the way they do. The book has several different chapters that address the differences between men and women including their ways at solving problems, communicating, and working with others.

In my estimation, John's advice to others is sound for probably 75% of the population, but there is about 25% of the population that John's book doesn't address or glosses over perhaps - because he is one of those nice guys that every girl dreams about marrying some day. He probably has never raised a hand against his wife. He probably has never come home and told her that he just lost every dime they had at the casino. I bet his wife hasn't caught him having sex with the neighborhood slut, either. Do you think he calls her a slut based upon what she wears, even if it is the most conservative outfit you have ever seen? I wonder if he has ever had sex with his wife when she didn't want to? For these reason, I think John's advice is only 75% accurate because it doesn't seem to address the ¼ of the population that are in relationships that need to get out.

From the American Bar Association:

• In a 1995-1996 study conducted in the 50 States and the District of Columbia, nearly 25% of women and 7.6% of men were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or dating partner/acquaintance at some time in their lifetime (based on survey of 16,000 participants, equally male and female).

My belief is that marriage is a contract just like any other business contract and if one party breaks that contract through abusive acts, then the other party has the right to protect themselves, forfeit the marriage and move on. The problem is that many of us don't want to talk about bad things like abuse, rape or addiction with our intended, before we are married because we don't want to jinx the marriage. Instead we talk about how many kids we want, where we want to live, how we want to spend our golden years. We walk into these serious relationships thinking that everything will be hunky dory and peaches and cream. Even if there are warning signs, sometimes we ignore them or think that our minds are playing tricks on us.

One of the best college courses I ever took was through Post University and it was called, Sex, Gender and Socialization. The eight week course talked about the evolution of men and women's roles in society and it discussed the environments we raise our children in. The environment includes the home, the neighborhood, the school, the religious community, and everything in between. I never noticed it before but as I began to grasp the fundamentals, I began to look at body language and word choices, in relationship to cause and effect at how men and women interact.

For example, a man at work who is quiet at work is considered to be meek, a woman, mousy. A loud man is assertive; a loud female is brash. I discovered we use many adjectives based upon gender, and we do it starting as soon as a child begins to talk. These set the stage for individual development and how we interact with others.

In another part of that same summary of John's Men are from Mars, women from Venus, the following was listed as highlights of Chapter 9, 'Arguments thrive on men failing to pay sufficient attention to women's feelings, and women being critically disapproving of men. Either one may be the initial trigger, because a man's inattentiveness can cause a woman to get upset and express disapproval, and a woman's disapproval can cause a man to get defensive and stop listening to how she is feeling. When men make mistakes they become frustrated and angry, and are best left alone until they calm down. Men consider apologies to be admissions of guilt; women view apologies as expressions of compassion. This difference of perception is why men are generally much less willing to apologize than women".

As I read this, I didn't know if these were another author's words or John's, but I felt a sense of uneasiness, as I re-read them. If I were someone who was in an abusive relationship I would take this advice to mean that I should turn the other cheek and tolerate and even submit whatever my husband dished out because his anger was because I was disapproving of him somehow. Isn't that a vicious circle?

After studying gender and social roles for eight weeks I was no expert, but I did understand that each person is made up of basically the same qualities with different percentages of each. For example, we all want to be loved and feel needed, but the ways and degrees for which we want those things differ. People that are gay or born transgendered often struggle with societies perceptions of what they should be vs. what they are or want to be. People who are born into abusive homes bring social dysfunction to a relationship. People who marry an abuser will probably become abused.

In my opinion, people who are in volatile relationships shouldn't be judged against the same traditional standards of "until death do us part that many people advocate". My advice to someone who is abused is that there is help and you are doing your kids no service to raise them in an abusive home.

One of my best friends was a victim's advocate in both Connecticut and Massachusetts and she shared with me, that although help was available, many women wouldn't press charges against their abusers. It had been ingrained in them that: a) they couldn't support themselves, b) they were worthless anyway, c) their significant others would find and kill them, d) they didn't want to be the cause of breaking up their homes so they stayed because of the "kids" and guilt.

Sorry folks if you disagree, but I say screw guilt. I am an advocate of negotiating marriage contracts and canceling them if there is a problem and one person no longer upholds the vows. I am also an advocate for writing marriage vows that make sense, and do not include the words, until death do us part, because in my opinion, adding that line or anything that implies that if the other person messes up or changes that you will still put up with them, is only asking for trouble.

References:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2489037/utah_woman_still_missing_husband_to.html

http://www.abanet.org/domviol/statistics.html#prevalence

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

http://weddings.about.com/cs/bridesandgrooms/a/vowwording.htm http://www.wikisummaries.org/Men_Are_From_Mars,_Women_Are_From_Venus