I Would Like a Ken Burns Style Civil War Documentary Made About My Life

First of all, let me just make it clear that I don't think I deserve to have a documentary about my life made in the fashion of Ken Burn's epic masterpiece The Civil War. No individual, however important, could possibly warrant a dozen-hour long study of the sort which Ken Burns' lavishes upon the conflict between the states. And frankly, if any individual did deserve it, it probably wouldn't be me. To begin with, I'm 22, and to finish up, I haven't, strictly speaking, accomplished anything. Well, that's not fair. I've accomplished plenty, just nothing of quite the same historical import as say, Sherman's march to the sea. The point is that I recognize that my life doesn't merit a documentary in the style of Ken Burns' Civil War, which is why the title of this essay is not "I Deserve A Ken Burns' Civil War-Style Documentary Made About My Life" but instead "I Would Like A Ken Burns' Civil War-Style Documentary Made About My Life."

I want the full on PBS treatment. I want Shelby Foote (in this scenario Shelby Foote never died/is brought back to life) to tell a charming anecdote about my first sexual experience in his sardonic, all-knowing way. I want pan and scans of my early childhood photos (in black and white of course) set to appropriately tasteful music. I would like my correspondence to be read with a quiet dignity by well-respected actors with rich, baritone voices. Since no one writes letters any longer, the correspondence would be mostly in the form of e-mail and A.I.M. and will likely involve a much greater use of the epitaph 'bro' than did most recorded communication during the Civil War. Whether or not Sam Waterson will actually say Laugh Out Loud or just recite the initials is a decision I leave up to the director, although I would lean towards using the whole words. It adds a certain sense of gravity to the proceedings.

I am excited to discover what aspects of my life make the final cut. What would Mr. Burns' choose to focus on? Twelve hours is a long time, but some things are going to have to be given more consideration than others. My romantic endeavors would play a significant role, but which ones? I mean, you can afford to spend a half-hour on Gettysburg or Shiloh, obviously, but there are plenty of minor skirmishes that, for the sake of concision, must be overlooked. Certainly my long-term college girlfriend earns a spot, but what about the adulterous relationship I had while living in Taiwan? Does its oddity outweigh the brevity and underlying meaninglessness of my tryst? Being as closely involved with my life as I am, it seems likely that I lack a fundamental objectivity on the subject. An unbiased perspective as to the life of Daniel Polansky is what's needed, and I for one cannot imagine a better person to give said perspective than esteemed auteur Ken Burns, flanked by the top historians America has to offer.

Will the author need to take creative liberties to 'punch up' the story of the life of Daniel Polansky? I certainly hope not. I always considered Mr. Burns to be a man of taste and integrity, not one to stoop to petty exaggerations. And as much as I would enjoy watching a segment discussing the time Daniel Polansky defended a bus of orphans from a cadre of Neo-Nazi's, I would rather the American people (and the people of the world) had an unvarnished view of the life of Daniel Polansky. Judge me as you will history, I am not afraid.

This documentary is not about cataloguing every moment of the life of Daniel Polansky. That would be excessively boring, even for me, and moreover would include a great deal of activity which I would like to forget. I don't want simply to have the events of my life chronicled; I want to have the spirit of my life immortalized. Don't I deserve it? Don't we all deserve it? To have our meanest actions validated by popular acclaim? To be loved and known for our accomplishments, however meager they are? Who is this Lee fellow, to shine so bright in the annals of time, with my name, with our names, as dust before it? This documentary isn't just about me; I mean obviously it's just about me, but it's not just for me. It's for all of us who haven't done anything worthy of legend but demand its tender caresses just the same.

And all you need is third-party validation, right? If a man as respected as Ken Burns chose to spend his time documenting my life, and if the public chose to spend their time watching it, that would be it. That would be enough. If people think you're important, if people thing your actions had worth, that makes your life meaningful. Right? Right?