Ice Storm Ravages San Antonio

A two day ice storm caught San Antonio unaware this week. Many natives gazed out their windows in awe, no doubt wondering what form of foul witchcraft could create ice outside of their freezers. A general air of panic arose in the city as businesses and highways were shut down. The Texas Department of Transportation began frantically salting bridges all over the city. Signs reading, "Bridge Freezes Before Road" were put up all over Alamo City, while the previous signs, "Hell Freezes Before Bridge," were removed.

For days, many Texans remained in their houses, paralyzed with fear as their cars and houses were slowly encased in ice. Many residents shed a sad, solitary tear, as they understood for the first time the pain that the Wooly Mammoths must have felt. In the second day of the ice storm, just when all seemed lost, there came a bright, shiny beacon of hope: The Spatula.

All over the city, people refusing to go quietly into that good night decided to rage, rage against the falling of the ice. Many residents, determined to brave the roadways and just drive...somewhere, boldly stepped outside and marched to their cars. Most of them then briskly marched back inside and proclaimed, "Holy crap! It's cold out there!" Those that made it to their cars soon realized that they didn't own an ice scraper. Confused, and going mad with what they thought to be the onset of hypothermia, the denizens of this usually warm and sunny town began trying desperate measures to clear the ice from their windshield. Some tried poking the ice, others tried to pray it off, while still others hurled strings of obsenities that will haunt their children's dreams for years to come. But then there were those few, those brave and noble few who realized, "I own a SPATULA!" which was then followed quickly by the realization of "Holy Crap! It's cold out here!"

So after retreating to their kitchens, they returned; emboldened by the squares of smooth, flat aluminum which they wielded like broadswords against the mighty Jack Frost. There were, of course, those who could only find plastic spatulas, but they remained naively bold, wielding them like toy swords against the mighty Jack Frost. Ultimately, the spatula-wielding mad men succeeded in their bold effort. They bravely took to the streets and then panicked, and somehow managed to spin out and create all manner of accidents on streets that had never actually frozen over thanks to geothermal heat.

In the end, the tears fell like frozen rain in the city which hasn't seen snow in twenty years. Those that defied Mother Nature and challenged the roads were forever changed. Never again will they make an omelet or a grilled cheese sandwich without pausing, spatula in hand, in a brief moment of silence for the day that the earth stood still, and San Antonio froze.