Identity Crisis: Don't Give it Up for Your Man

Sally is an independent woman and established in her career. Her biological clock begins to tick and she tells herself all that is missing from her life is a husband and 2.5 kids. Oh how life would be perfect.

One day, Sally is introduced to Peter. Peter is also established in his career and they find that they have much in common. After dating for several months, the couple gets engaged.

Sally has become so consumed with the wedding planning, that she has little time for anything else. She is in complete bliss and strives for the perfect wedding. She has entered into what I call the fairytale syndrome. She has become so distracted by the romantic idea of a wedding, that she has not noticed some red flags where Peter is concerned.

The wedding and honeymoon have since passed and now the happy couple settles down to a wonderful life together. Peter gets a job promotion which requires frequent travel out of the country. He reasons that with the increase in his salary, Sally should quit her job. She'll have to do that anyway when the kids come, right?

Sally loves her job and she has worked incredibly hard to get to her current position. But she also loves her husband, so she decides in his favor. Besides, they never discussed the fact that she planned to do it all - career AND family. She told herself that if he assumed she would be a stay-at-home mother, well, it was her fault for never mentioning it.

Years later, Sally became, simply, Peter's wife and mother to his kids. She put her life on hold to cater to his whims. His friends became her friends. His hobbies became her hobbies. Heck, she doesn't even like to golf, but how else will she get to spend time with him?

The distance between Sally and Peter had grown. Soon Peter began spending some of his personal time with Tina, a younger female coworker. Peter reasoned again - "You don't like Star Wars anyway, so what's the big deal if she goes with me to the movie theater?" He insisted they were just friends and all Sally could do was trust her husband.

A movie here and there soon became a movie and dinner once a week. Then one night he went back to Tina's apartment. He didn't plan on staying until 5:00am, but the electricity went out. Being the gentleman that he was, he stayed with her and they talked by candlelight until the power returned. Startled that Sally was waiting up for him, his only explanation was "We're just friends and all we did was talk." End of topic.

Now Peter is gone. After 8 years of marriage, 2 kids and a white picket fence, Sally found herself alone. The friends that she abandoned long ago were no longer there to comfort her. Technology had changed so much that if would be difficult for her to step back into a position similar to the one she left. She pondered for months on what to do next. She asked herself over and over - "Why did he leave? I did everything for him." She felt betrayed by the one she gave her life for.

From where Peter stood, he found himself attracted to a younger woman because she had more energy. She was fun and spontaneous. Tina had her own interests and her own circle of friends. Somehow, this was a powerful attraction that Peter could not resist. Tina was all the things that Sally used to be before she met Peter.

Sally thought she was being the good wife by remaining loyal to her husband. She stood by him and supported him. She sacrificed her very being. She thought she was making a good investment. But in the end, the investment ran dry and she was left looking in the mirror and facing the one she had betrayed. Herself.

Sally and Peter are, of course, fictional characters. But change the story a bit and you could be describing my life. Or yours. Are you falling into this same trap? We live in the twentieth century, yet as women, many of us still hold onto the old fashioned idea of marriage. Two shall become one. The man is king of his castle. We cook, we clean, we bare children and we devote our married lives to our husbands. We put our dreams on hold while they fulfill theirs. This is what we are supposed to do, right? WRONG!!

Let me tell you about a friend of mine. She's in her mid-forties and has never been married. She never plans to be married. She has a rule that men are not allowed to spend the night. My friend is a beautiful and successful woman. She loves the company of men but simply has no desire to be tied down to one.

I used to think she held the key to happiness and when I first became single again, I considered adopting her rules. Why not? She has no guilt about admitting that she loves her job. She has a wonderful child whom she is extremely devoted to. She has men in her life on her terms and not in her life when she doesn't want them to be. It seemed to me that she had it all.

Now don't misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that we have to choose between marriage and career, or should I say marriage and - life. From one extreme to the other, I knew there had to be a middle ground.

Where Do I Start?

How do we begin to begin again? How do we break old habits? Through eight years of supporting her husband, Sally lost her identity. When she looked in the mirror, she didn't know who was looking back at her. She saw a failure. She couldn't keep her marriage together. Her husband chose a younger, (and in her mind) more attractive woman. When Sally lost her identity, she lost her self esteem.

Dr. Nathaniel Branden, author of The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, defines self esteem as this-

"The disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness."

Do you think that you are worthy of happiness?

Sally had no control of her existence. She thought she had a purpose -taking care of her family - but she neglected to take care of herself. Her existence was dictated to her by her husband and children. She was only happy when they were happy. But it was a false happiness. She lived her life through their eyes and not her own. And when Peter left, all she could see was emptiness. She thought that she no longer deserved to be happy.

It Happened to Me

After two years of not knowing who I was or what I wanted and thinking I would never be anybody if someone didn't love me, I was introduced to the Law of Attraction.

What is it? In theory, our thoughts send out vibrations that attract others to us. How many times have you said that you always seem to attract the same type of guy?

When you change your feelings about yourself, you change the type of people or things that you attract.

You may have heard some of the following expressions:

You get what you think about, whether wanted or unwanted.

Energy attracts like energy

Birds of a feather flock together

Like attracts like

You reap what you sow

What comes around goes around

These are all ways to describe Law of Attraction (LOA).

LOA is more than just wishful thinking, or wanting something, whether it is physical or emotional. You must believe in yourself, and in what you want out of life. You must remove the negative thoughts from your mind and focus on the positive. It is this positive energy that will drive your motivation and attract the people or things that can make it happen.

Using some of the LOA techniques I learned, I created a course of action for future relationships to ensure that I don't forget about me ever again AND that I don't let anyone else define who I am. (Following this article you will find a printable plan for your personal use)

Part One: Take a 3 step inventory

Step One

Make a list of all the things you've hated about past or present relationships and why. Try to have a minimum of 10.

Let's use Sally as an example. Some entries on her list may have looked like this:

I hate it when a man puts more importance on his career than mine. It makes me feel insignificant.

I hate it when a man makes assumptions about me. It makes me feel like a one dimensional person.

And so on.

Step one will help you get a clear understanding of what you DON'T want in a relationship in order to pave the way for what you DO want.

It is important to know these things because they are deep rooted and need to be removed. I had you list the "whys" because those are your inner thoughts that speak to you and destroy your self confidence. I'm insignificant. I'm one dimensional. Etc. It's the way you feel, and over the years have come to believe about yourself.

After you complete this list, read it over one more time. How does it make you feel? Make a note of your feelings right now.

Step Two

Make a second list. It will be the same as the first, but now that you know what you don't want, list what you do want.

I want a man who puts just as much importance on my career as he does on his. It makes me feel important, valued and respected.

I want a man who makes no assumptions about me. It makes me feel that he is interested in me as a whole person.

And so on.

Step Two will help to rid your conscience of the negative thoughts. This step defines what you want in a partner and more importantly, how you want to feel about yourself.

Now read your second list again. Do you notice a difference in your feelings? It's truly amazing how turning around a few words can change our thoughts and attitudes!

Now that you know what you want in a relationship partner, it's time to start attracting that type of person.

Step Three

Make one more list. This time, your statements should be present tense statements, as if you already have these things.

My man puts as much importance on my career as he does on his.

The man I'm with makes no assumptions about me.

And so on.

Now close your eyes and visualize these statements. Imagine yourself in a relationship where all of these needs are being met. Did you notice that it changed your mood?

These will become your affirmation statements and your guide to finding balance between you as an individual and you as one part of a relationship.

Read your affirmation statements daily, or better yet, memorize them and say them to yourself every day before you get out of bed. Visualize them. Believe them.

We become what we believe. - Sanskrit proverb

It may seem redundant to make the same list three times, even with slight variations, but it's important to follow through. As I mentioned earlier, pay attention to how you feel as you are making your lists. Each time, you will have different emotions.

Now throw away lists one and two. The only list you need going forward is your present tense list. Think of this list as your template for your ideal partner in a relationship.

When you throw away list one, let that represent throwing away all the past resentments and anger. These feeling will only hold you back.

When you throw away list two, let that represent throwing away your limitations. You are far too valuable to merely want these ideals. You CAN have them. You DESERVE them.

You are your thoughts, All that arises, arises from our thoughts, we make the world with our thoughts. - Buddha.

Regain Your Identity

Part Two: Make a To-Do list

Ok, I said that you would only need one list, but this one is different. Make a list of all the things you used to do and enjoy that are now collecting dust in the back of the closet.

For example:

Go camping

Lay in the grass and watch the sun set

Do cartwheels

Whatever your list is, keep it ongoing and get out there and "just do it". Check off each item as you accomplish it. You will feel great and most importantly, you will begin to find yourself again. You'll feel younger and energetic. Happiness will return to your life.

One thing on my list was to crochet. After I completed my first project, I thought, "Why did I ever give this up? I enjoy doing this and I forgot what a stress reliever it is!" I was proud of myself this accomplishment.

One day, my ex came over to pick up our child and he noticed my crocheting. He asked me where I bought it. When I told him that I made it, he was astonished and said he never knew I could do that. I said half joking that there were lots of things about me that he didn't know. At that moment, it hit me like a ton of bricks. HE NEVER KNEW ME.

Why? Because I worked so hard at trying to be someone else to please him that I didn't even know myself anymore.

Take Care of Yourself

Your wellbeing is not only important for your sake, but also for those around you. Smile, and the world smiles with you. Be a downer and they run away.

It's been a slow process for me, but I'm learning to be a little bit selfish so I can take care of myself. I like myself again. Sometimes I even catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and instead of thinking "I'm fat and ugly," I actually smile and tell myself "I look good today."

I'm dating again too. I never could have done that two years ago because I had so much anger inside of me. In fact, I wanted to write to Webster's and have the word "marriage" removed from the dictionary and replaced with "pre-divorced." When I threw away my first list, I let go of the anger.

For the moment, I am content being single because I know what I want now and I refuse to settle for anything less