If Congress Controlled Christmas

The effects of the recession hit even closer to home today with the news that industrial and retail giant North Pole LLC (NASDAQ: NPOL, 22 ½, -3), the parent company of Santa Claus, will be forced into bankruptcy unless it receives billions of dollars in emergency federal funding.

Calling his company's financial situation "an unforeseen consequence" of the rapidly declining gingerbread housing market, North Pole CEO Christopher Cringle described the company's situation as "worse than the Great Depression, the destruction of the Second Temple, the October Revolution, and the South Sea Bubble all rolled into one."

Under the North Pole's original emergency plan, its international overnight distribution and delivery arm, Santa Claus Overnight Express, would have been allowed to substitute lumps of coal for larger, bulkier items. Although the plan was widely praised in the business community, it was later dropped due to regulatory conflicts.

"We failed to develop an alternate plan, and that is our fault alone" said Cringle, "but when the Environmental Protection Agency filed a cease and desist order because we had not obtained an environment impact study for each point of delivery we didn't have the time to appeal the issue. But we might be able to work within the framework of the OCP-SWAP."

The OCP-SWAP is the acronym for the proposed "Obama Christmas Package - Spread the Wealth Around Plan' that is reported to be gaining support in Congress.

Under the provisions of the OCP-STWA, a child that was previously determined to be a "Greedy Little Brat" by the Office of Management and Budget would only be authorized one Christmas gift and, in the place of other demands, would receive a certificate stating that the child's other gifts had been distributed to other children under the Obama Administration's Spread the Wealth Around Program (SWAP). Under SWAP, children that were not immediately filled with the joy of sharing could be sentenced to up to six months of practical political education and/or fined $500.

According to a reasonably-sober source close to the ongoing negotiations between North Pole and the Senate Banking Committee, North Pole claims that it was also particularly hard hit by write-downs on its portfolio of subprime consumer lending certificates, financial investments whose pretax yields are based on a complex ratio of the interest rate on overnight interbank lending by the Federal Reserve and the number of grazing reindeer observed in Palmer, Alaska during the last full moon before Passover.

"We didn't read the fine print." Cringle admitted. "So sue us."

"We may just do that!" replied Committee Chairman Chris Dodd.

A North Pole LLC spokesman refused to confirm or deny reports that the company had retained the Chicago-based firm of Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe to explore its reorganization options under a Chapter 11 bankruptcy, or that the New York investment bank Moe, Lharrie, and Khurley was working with North Pole on a new round of "creative off-shore refinancing."