If Congress Controlled Christmas: Round 2

The House of Representatives passed the controversial 14 billion dollar North Pole Emergency Financing Bill late Wednesday evening. The bill now goes to the Senate where, barring a sudden outbreak of common sense, its final approval is virtually guaranteed.

Calling the bill a "fine example of what a bipartisan effort can accomplish" House Banking Committee Chairman Barney Frank demanded that the Senate quickly approve the House version of the bailout package "so we can get out of here without a tar and feather tuxedo." Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid echoed Frank's call for prompt passage by the Senate.

"This bill is vital to not only the survival of the American toy industry but to the American way of life. How can we expect our future leaders to learn the power of a well-placed bribe if they can't extort toys from their parents?"

A controversial provision of the bailout package is the appointment of a "Toy Tsar," who would have the final authority over how North Pole LLC and its major subsidiaries, Santa Claus and The Elves Workshop, would implement a mandatory reorganization plan that Senate Republicans have called "essential" to their support.

Under the House bill, the President would nominate that official with the advice and consent of the Senate, while the Senate bill provides that the President nominate the Toy Tsar with the advice and consent of the House. A source close to the House-Senate panel working out a compromise bill said that the advice and consent problem, although "contentious," was not expected to cause a "major source of grief."

"Since when has the President, or any President, listened to anyone's advice?"

According to the House version of the bailout package, North Pole would spin off its Santa Claus unit as a publically traded company and The Elves Workshop would become an employee-owned "workers' collective" under the control of a 12-member board of directors. As a condition of the bailout, the federal government would receive 20% of Santa Claus' dividend-paying preferred stock and warrants to purchase up to 10 million shares of its common stock. While there would be no direct federal funding of The Elves Workshop, Santa Claus would make available up to $5 billion in a rotating line of credit to the new company.

In a hastily called news conference in Chicago, President-elect Barak Obama denied any previous knowledge of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's alleged scheme to sell seats on North Pole's Board of Directors for up $1 million each. Instead, the President-elect praised the bailout as "another positive step" on the road to economic recovery.

"Under my economic stimulus package, which I have named Son of the New Deal, I call on all Americans to use their credit cards until the smell of burning plastic permeates the air with the smell of prosperity, and then to default on their bills after my inauguration. At that time, I will push for a Christmas Club Bailout Package that will be dedicated to wiping out all consumer debts incurred after November 1, 2008."

Although it concedes that "something has to be done," the American Civil Liberties Union said it plans to challenge the North Pole bailout on constitutional grounds in federal court.

"Our position is that, since Santa Claus has traditionally been associated with a Christian holiday, any funding of North Pole or its subsidiaries would be a violation of the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment."

In a related development, the Chinese Trade Ministry denounced the bailout as an unfair trade practice and demanded that the bill be scrapped because the action would "constitute an illegal subsidization of industry, which is specifically banned under the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade," threatening to flood the world toy markets with counterfeit Gameboys and Playstations if its demand was not met.