If I Should Die Before I Wake, Call the Neptune Society

I have never been a "morning personality" which was a special hardship when I worked. One day, as I was seated at my desk after surviving another half-awake commute, I noticed a young co-worker eyeing me anxiously. She said she had dreamt that I died. I tried to reassure her that nightmares just happen -- that maybe it meant one of us was going to win the Lottery, etc. -- but she seemed to fear that her dream had been precognition (seeing into the future). In a way, she was right because one thing we all know about the future is that someday each of us will die.

Lifestyles have changed and so has Death.

Most of us hope for the best -- a peaceful death in bed, surrounded by the loving vigil of those who have meant the most to us ... but life has changed, especially for those people like me who are single, childless, and live alone. The reality is that someday some poor soul will wander in to make sure I'm alright, find me dead, hit the "Panic Button" and say "Oh, F#&K!"

It must be upsetting to be suddenly responsible for the body of another person when you aren't sure what that person would have wanted done in that situation. In any case, traditional funerals are so expensive that most people can hardly afford them for their own families, let alone a neighbor, co-worker, or virtual stranger. Someday when I die, why should somebody else have to pay for my funeral?

Over My Dead Body

Whoever is destined to discover my mortal remains will be lucky -- he or she can just search my wallet for the blue Neptune Society card, phone them, refer to my name and account number, and tell them where I am. Part of the promise which I have paid for is that Neptune Society licensed staff will be on call 24 hours, anticipating such crises and that their responding personnel will show up to keep their part of the bargain which will include preparing original death certificate and necessary permits, procuring the attending physician's signature for the death certificate, removing what is left of me to a licensed holding facility for cremation and "final disposition." (I have asked that my ashes be buried at sea but this was not the only option -- I could have arranged to have my ashes returned to my family or friends for other disposition if I had wanted.)

The Neptune representative who visited my home to help me arrange all this was there to sell me something but he was one of the nicest people I have ever met and made what it all as pleasant and laid back as possible. He made no secret of the fact that other people (including Julia Child and Cary Grant) had been down this road before me and had also signed up. The price for all this was a deal -- $1,449 -- which isn't bad at all compared to the cost of a traditional funeral. I have prepaid the Neptune Society for all this so that someday somebody else won't have to.

I never felt pressured into signing up but was a bit non-plussed when he asked which ocean I wanted to be buried in -- the Atlantic, the Gulf, or the Pacific. I take the cheerful pragmatic Midwestern view that water is water and that one big pond is as good as the next but I chose the Pacific because my cousin lives in California and I have pleasant memories of visiting there.

Part of our changing lifestyle means that traditional "visitations" replete with candles, flowers, and well-meant "Doesn't she look WONDERFUL!" remarks may be going out of style. I have paid my final respects by viewing a lot of deceased people (including some very dear to me) and none of them really looked wonderful. On one such occasion, a young friend of mine shuddered, turned away, and said "I would rather remember her the way she was." I knew what she meant because someday I would rather people remembered me the way I was when I was alive. Thanks to the Neptune Society, all anybody will have to do is toss me a casual salute as my body is wheeled away. Of course, it would be "cool" if somebody organized an impromptu memorial service -- or maybe planted a tree -- in my memory. If my friends just wanted to cap off such an occasion by going out and having a festive drink to celebrate the relationship we shared, that would be okay with me.

Being Part of the Solution

Concern for the poor old, staggering Environment also contributed to my decision. We are running out of space in cemeteries and traditional funerals are not only expensive but exact a staggering cost in terms of wood, metal, and other materials. Somebody pouring my ashes into the Pacific could be my last great act of recycling.

Remember, Man, that Thou art Dust.

A few weeks after I signed the contract, I received a package from the Neptune Society containing a book for recording personal history and family details, along with a wooden urn which will ultimately contain my ashes for my last journey west. It is one of the loveliest wooden boxes I have ever seen and has a place of honor on a shelf in my wall units. Still, it is a little strange to look at that box and realize that someday what is left of me will fit into it. "Remember, Man (or Woman), that Thou art dust and unto dust Thou shall return" is what the priests say on Ash Wednesday. One thing each one of us knows about our future is that someday we will die and that we should try to make the most of the time we have here. Really appreciating that is something which I hope will never go out of style.

Note:

For more information about the Neptune Society, call 1-800-Neptune or visit: www.neptunesociety.com .