If You Have Found Paris Hilton's Lost Cellphones Call Me Now, it is Vital to Carolina Saltwater Fishing!

Paris Hilton apparently lost two cellphones in the Philippines on Sunday, and I am potentially on my way to big time riches at last.

If you are reading this article and you have found Paris Hilton's cellphones, please put down the phone(s) and email me right away. You can contact me through my Yahoo contributor page or by using the email at my blog A Dash of Salty.

I am willing to make you an offer for a multi-media blitz package at this very moment. I will cut you in on a big percentage of our earnings, after I take a big percentage of our earnings -- after we have any earnings -- after I bombard the media with info and numbers from Paris Hilton's cellphones through my website at Surf and Salt.

Now, yes -- at first sight it might appear strange that I am willing to post information and numbers (and all that juicy gossip) form Paris Hiltons' cellphone treasure trove on my website -- which, to be fair, is indeed a saltwater fishing website and not a Hollywood gossip website.

But do not be afraid, dear holder of Paris Hilton's cellphones and my new best friend. What you do not know (yet) is that I also own the rights to multi-media blogs Forward Buzz and Forever Buzz. We can link our juicy gossip from there and go on to earn millions!

I will even put the gossip in my upcoming Surf and Saltwater Fishing Book. Yes -- again it may seem strange that I am willing to put Hollywood gossip in a Carolina fishing book. But, hey, money is tight in this economy and baby needs a new pair of shoes. Designer shoes, new best friend, like Paris Hilton wears and would talk about on her stolen cellphones.

Yes, I realize that once we publish this information we will probably be sued by one pizzed off Paris Hilton herself. But that is OK too. Think the cleverness of our defense!

I will argue that the information on Paris Hilton's cellphones is vital to Carolina surf and saltwater fishing. And who is to say it is not?

Don't fishermen in the Carolinas have a right to get all the juicy news about who Paris is or is not dating and what dress she may or may not be wearing this week -- or even if there is another Paris Hilton sex tape out there somewhere waiting for us all to find out about?

I tell you, Carolina fishermen ARE waiting on this news, with baited breath. They LOVE Paris and her crazy antics.

I have even recently been engaged in a lengthy online battle with the NC Marine Fisheries Commission over their ethics. If Paris sues us about the cellphone gossip release, we can claim she is just an agent of the good ol' boy network in NC fisheries management out to get me.

Blame it on a government conspiracy! How clever is that? I tell you those high-priced Hollywood lawyers have never seen as defense like I am prepared to put up.

So if you are the proud new owner of Paris Hilton's lost cellphones email me NOW! We'll both be rich for it, they'll never convict us in court, and we'll cash in like a red light district hooker who is hailed by a red Cadillac at 4 a.m.

And after we make all that money from Paris Hilton's lost cellphones, we'll go saltwater fishing on the Carolina coast. I just happen to know a few good spots.