If I Had a Butler for a Day

Today, as I was watching "The Nanny" with my sister and my mom, I couldn't help but be enthralled by the fact that Maxwell had a butler named Niles. I began to contemplate in one of my ridiculous "what if" situations: What if I had a butler for a day? What would this butler have to be like? What would I make him do?

First off, this butler would have to meet some serious physical and behavioral requirements. He would have to carry himself in the manner of a true cliché butler with a straight back and proper manners. His suit would have to be finely pressed and his hair as gray as ash. That's a good thing in butler terms. Of course his accent would have to be British, and only the most snooty of British vocal tics.

Most people would have their butler for a day clean their house or something lame. I'll let you in on a secret, your house will become dirty again, regardless, and you will have to clean it again and again and again until you die. You may never have a butler again. In light of this revelation, I decided that I would have this butler be in all facets of my life.

First, I would wake up at 12 a.m. making sure I had enough energy for the upcoming day. I would have Jeeves/Niles/Alfred/Albert/ Any other ridiculously English names make me only the finest coffee, as I sat reading my paper in a brand new smoking jacket. Periodically, as he cooks the rest of my breakfast, I would call out random questions on world events, such as, "Jeeves, what do you think of the conflict in such-and-such a nation with so-and-so?" To which he would respond with some witty comment such as, "Terribly dreadful, sir," or "It's a pity what is occurring in that part of the world, sir, an absolute pity." With these comments, I would most modestly agree. When I'm done with breakfast, we'll go into the living room and play some kind of multiplayer game on whatever system I have lying around.

He will politely disagree, but I will convince him. I'll tell him to try his best. At first he'll be adorably confused, but I'll teach him the controls. Every time I shoot him on the game Jeeves will be so surprised, he'll nearly leap out of his Italian loafers, crying, "Good lord, sir, I feel as if I'm making quite the fool of myself."

"Jeeves," I'll reply, "playing (whatever game we are playing) with you has been very engaging!"

Next, we will discuss different social, political and philosophical issues, which he would have a blast doing. Of course, my butler is well versed in many ideas, so any conversation would be rich and rewarding. However, he would still have to preface or end each sentence and phrase with sir.

Then I would take Jeeves to a nice restaurant. Well, maybe not nice, but something I really like - Chilis. There we would have a great time sharing life experiences in a witty and dry manner, while he makes the occasional quip at me in good humor. Too much is out of the question.

Then we would go to the car dealership and test drive a Dodge Challenger, because those cars look absolutely sick. He would use his British wiles and manners to get us the car, and I would absolutely tear up the roads. Jeeves will hang on for dear life as I blast down the streets of Gastonia or Raleigh or wherever. I will ask him if he's having fun. "I'm afraid I'm inclined to disagree," or "Mm, yes, quite, sir." Those are his only two yes or no responses he is allowed to give.

Then after that is done, I will call all my friends to come hang out at my house with the new butler, and it would be a grand celebration of Jeeves, the most awesome butler ever. We'll all watch movies and Jeeves will comment on them with wit and humor, cracking us all up.

Then, we'll make a quick run to a metal concert where I can thrash and do whatever it is I do there. Jeeves will be absolutely shocked, trying to stay beside me at all times and commenting on how "dreadfully loud the music is." Then someone would probably hit him or run into him, and he would pull out some wicked karate moves, slamming the guy into the ground. Then I'll be like, "Jeeves! Where did that come from?" And he'll say something witty like he picked it up from somewhere from some such-and-such famous karate master traveling through some legendary Buddhist temple or whatever. And I'll be like, "Jeeves, that is amazing." Then he'll start rocking out too.

Our skydiving at midnight thing would then start up, and I would be sad that Jeeves would have to leave soon. He would comfort me saying, "Cheer up, old boy. We had some right good times today!" Then everyone would put on their jumpsuits, except Jeeves, who would still be wearing his finely pressed suit... and nothing in his hands except his umbrella and his matching bowler hat on his head. I'd ask, "Jeeves, where is your parachute?"

"Don't worry, sir, I have a plan."

As we lifted off into the plane, at night, I would remember all the fun things we did - like riding in a sports car, and playing video games, going out to eat, watching a movie, catching a concert, and feel a certain fulfillment knowing that Jeeves had a good time too.

We would then dive out of the plane, and as we fall, Jeeves checks his watch and shouts, "I'm afraid my time is up, sir. I must be going now!"

I'll yell, "Goodbye, Jeeves, come say hello every so often!"

Then, with a twinkle in his eye, he'll pop open the umbrella he's holding and swing off into the night sky, bracing the bowler hat on his head with the other hand.

That's what I would do with a butler for a day.