If My Life Became a Movie

My childhood was spent along the streets of Moore Avenue. It was haunted by the endless journey of walking from Birch Lane across Merrick Road to home, and my brother never waited for me like he was asked to. Instead, he hung out with friends and played arcade games over at Jelly Bean. My mother treated me like a doll, showing me off when she could, and I would be taken wherever she went. I would press my little face against the glass window and watch her bowl, or I would take a seat in the Massapequa High School theater to see a play. This was my childhood, but it was coming to an end. And it would end with the neighborhood kids arriving at the house late one night with hockey masks and hockey sticks, tapping the windows and doors, knowing full well that my parents weren't home, and it was then that I realized that it was all falling apart. "I'm tired of walking. I'm tired of praying. I'm tired of hoping that somebody will save the day. Can't find no rhyme. Can't find no reason. Can't find no peace of mind no matter what the season," sings The Pat McGuire Band. "It's falling apart. It's falling apart."

I never thought of Death. My life was one big mess. Nobody understood me, and the bullies tore me down with each passing day. I found no love at home but endless argument, and doors slammed closed. I was the invisible girl, a ghost that barely dreamt except in nightmare, and I wanted to leave. I wanted to escape, and she knew. She knew, but she died before she could save me. But her dream lived on because my aunt kept it alive, and I remember riding in that black limo to her grave. They were all crying. They were all heartbroken. I was still, and I didn't cry once. I was angry. Why did she have to die? "Close your eyes. Let me touch you now. Let me give you something that is real. Close the door. Leave your fears behind. Let me give you what you're giving me. You are the only thing that makes me want to live at all," sings VAST.

I held the cup of tea with tight, tensed hands. My eyes plunged deep into dark, boiling water. My skin burned, and my heart screamed. My grandmother was gone, but her dream rested in the hands of my aunt, who took a seat at the kitchen table and studied my every move. Was I strong enough to start over? Could I leave it all behind? Would I make her proud, or would I fail like I have failed a million times before? My aunt was waiting. What is my answer? Do I stay, or do I go? "Paper doll without a dress. Oh, and I am such a mess. So, I just paint myself a perfect smile," Sirsy so beautifully sings. "Sometimes, I can't be strong enough, and I guess I've become so afraid of coming undone."

I don't know who I am. I have fallen into a strange, unknown world. My aunt took me to Bellmore, where I caught the N45 to Nassau County Community College. I was told to take the N19 back home. Home? What a strange word that was. To me, it would always be my grandparents' house, but now my grandfather was alone, mourning the loss of a guardian angel. And I hated myself for remaining like stone. The world flashed outside these glass windows, and the bus took me to where a new journey would find me. But I felt nothing. I needed to believe. I needed to feel, but I had shut down. Was it because I once cared so much, allowing my heart to be ripped from my chest? "And all these stupid conversations that always seem to lead to nowhere. They're going round and round and round in my head, and they'll be back again. They're coming back again. It's not fair how I still care now. We're always alone," Amanda Ghost sings. "Honesty and modesty will never find my home, but I will never say when I have lost my way."

I love my grandfather. I always will. He would sit inside by the open, front door, taking in the world. His eyes were soft but sharp, and his hands folded in his lap. His beagle, Ben lied down beside him, and they were quiet, letting time slip by. He didn't understand me, and I was a pain in his ass. I stayed up late, watching Horror movies, and I would wake him up late at night with a bloodcurdling scream from the television set. He was disappointed with the things that I said and done, but I was trying to understand myself. I came with a lot of baggage, baggage that he didn't need, and his heart was still breaking. They were afraid of losing him, but I remained oblivious, thinking I had all the time in the world. And we almost lost him, but he came back to us. I still disappointed him, and to this day, I yearn for his forgiveness, forgiveness for all the stupidity that I have done. "I can feel you all around me. The sounds of love still resounding, and I pray to you forgive me this. I look to heaven, and I fall down on my knees. Look at my hands. I hope you will believe, and I will pray to you forgive me this," elegantly sung by Danielle's Mouth.

Because of my grandparents, may they rest in peace, and because of my aunt, I was given a second chance. I would not be the woman that I am today, if not for them. I owe them my life, but I did make mistakes, mistakes that I could never take back. They gave me a chance, and I almost blew it. But I struggled, I fought, and I finally found ground to stand on. The video camera tightened in my hand, and I raced through the Long Island neighborhoods like a mad woman on a mission, creating a lengthy college film movie. This experience re-ignited my dreams to write, to create, and to live. This was who I am. This was what I wanted, and it didn't matter that the road ahead would still be a long and treacherous one. I know where I am finally going. "I could slowly seek and wonder. Many do erase from the eye. Life, life," sings ARID. "It's gonna be life. Hold on tight to the life. It's going be our little trial. Life, life, and she holds me alive."

My childhood was left behind along the streets of Moore Avenue. A little girl was packed up and taken to the countryside, where the local kids would never accept her. The bullies rode the bus to and from school, endless tormenting, and arguments would soon rage at home. There was no escape, and all the wrong men that tore me down waited outside my door. And I let them in. I wanted love. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel alive, but I was eaten alive instead. All I have now are fragmented memories that are still razor sharp, and it amazes me that I have survived. They made me feel like dirt. They crushed my soul into the ground. I didn't care anymore, and when she died, I was already gone. It took forever to peel back my scar tissue and find the person deep inside that waited for eternity for a chance to breathe, to dream, and to be alive. "Made a wrong turn, once or twice. Dug my way out, blood and fire. Bad decisions, that's alright. Welcome to my silly life. Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood. Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down. Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated. Look, I'm still around." Thank you, Pink for singing these words.