If You Recycle that Can, I Will Kill You with a Shovel

Step away from the recycle bin! Yes, I'm talking to you, hippy. How'd I know you were there? I could smell your patchouli oil when I left the house this morning. Seriously, do you bathe in that stuff? You do realize it smells like someone puked a turd, right? As I was saying, step over here and forget about that recycle bin. Here, give me that can and I'll show you what to do with it. Don't make me come over there and take it! We both know I can, what with your vegan diet and willowy physique. Eat some protein, for Odin's sake!

Now, the proper way to dispose of this earth-friendly tin can of Shasta Cola is to walk over here to this trash can......yes, step on the grass......no, I don't care if that kills ants. Ants are douchebags. Anyway, watch how I do this. SEE?! See how easy that was??? I just dropped the little can into the bigger can and carried on with my day. Did I hold a rally to apologize to Mother Nature? No. Dear old M.N. brought a hailstorm last week and dented my car, so she was due a lesson in manners.

And don't talk to me about global warming, son. I live in Arizona, which means my life could only be hotter if the sun vacationed here during spring break. And we all know that would just turn out like last time. Stupid sun, with its drinking and smoking and vaporizing all my friends. Hey, I'm not finished, listen! That one little can of knock-off soda (they still make Shasta?!) may offend your hemp-necklaced, deadbeat dreamer friends with all their delusions of "world peace", whatever that means, but it's hardly going to make the earth spin out of orbit and crash into Jupiter. That will only happen when Thracken the Dire returns to wreak his final judgment on us all. Until then, you just toss that little hunk of tin anywhere you so please.

What? You don't want to pollute? First all, I don't know that word. And second, I've got news for you - trash is good for the earth. She's got to try hard to get rid of all that extra stuffing, and that's like a good run on the treadmill for we humans. After all, we don't want the old girl to get lazy, now do we? Next thing you know, she'll start getting flabby, orbiting more slowly, things'll start floating away, and no other planets will want to talk to us. Is that what you want? Do you want your friends to float away? I know I sure don't. I like earth the way it is. It's where I keep all my stuff! So do humanity a favor, son, and keep giving ol' lady earth a workout. Toss your cans, plastic wrappers, car parts, old Twinkies and grandparents anywhere you can! Earth will thank you. And with a little luck, we'll all be dead before Lord Thracken gets here.