If Tomorow Never Comes

Listening to the words of the song, "If Tomorrow Never Comes", by Garth Brooks, I believe, I reflect on my own life and what if tomorrow never came, what would I do?, What would I say? Is there anything that I would change?

I am constantly, in the realm of "what if's". I find myself, when a situation arises thinking to myself, "what if" I did this, or it happened will be like this, or that, etc. I know many of you probably have yourselves. What is it inside us that make us just, almost have a need to make out the conclusions to things. You know, when you say to yourself, "I would do this... but I know that this...will happen." We also make excuses for not doing something, or in defending our behaviors.

We are guilty of making assumptions, and making excuses. I have been thinking, here lately, that there is so many missed opportunities, along the way. So many times when we could have, but didn't. Should have, but would not. I am personally speaking though of my relationships. I find that they are the most abused, the most neglected in my life.

I do not purposely set out to mess them up, nor do I ask for them to cease to exist. But I have had experience to this matter, any way. My mother and my father, along with my sister, brother, nephew, and married spouses, have opted to exclude me in their daily lives.

There is a time when one has to look at their flaws, problems, and mistakes. Well, I guess writing this, is helping me, accomplish that. I first of all want to say, "I do love them all". I never wished them from inside my world. I have been disconnected from them though, going on 12 years. I struggle with all the events, all the words, that were said between us all, so long ago.

The time that I will start at to explain more, is when I was married, and expecting my second child. I was about seven months pregnant. I want to make clear though, that mine and my mom's relationship was typical, for the most part. I was being watched by my physician, during this pregnancy, because it was a high risk pregnancy. In other words, I was to take it easy and have no stress, of any sorts, blah, blah, blah.

I thought everything around me was going great for the most part. but it was like a cat, lying in wait, ready to pounce on it's prey. It seemed normal, but my life was about to head south, fast. My sister who was eight years older than me, was not satisfied with her marriage. I had really no awareness of any problems, but they were there. I had a husband who 's job took him away , out of town , usually during the week. But he would come in for the weekends.

I found that I spent most of my time those days, reaching out to friends, as well as my family, for companionship, while my husband was out working. It seemed like I was getting along fine with my big sister, and she was actually starting to treat me as an equal. An adult, confidant. Sure, it seemed this way.

I remember it plainly, it was a sunny day. I had been at my mom and dad's house visiting, and my sister was there as well. She seemed edgy, like she had something she was keeping in, that she really wanted to spill. I was not aware, but she was planning to leave her husband. She told me she did not love him anymore. She also told me she found someone, someone whom she was going to marry.

I was shocked. From the outside, her marriage appeared to be intact, and it was a dream. She had a devoted, handsome man, who worked hard, and bunches of overtime, to be able to provide for his family, and have money for extras, for her. I really thought she had it made. But she did not. My sister had never confided in me before that day, and God knows why she did that time. I simply said that I was sorry for her, and asked if she was sure. she said she was, and she said she was happy with this "extra guy".

Now a little background is needed here. See my sister and I both grew up with a mother who was a firm believer in not divorcing, for any reason. She believed as a women we must try and make it work, that God demands it, and we should uphold that. Let me tell you, she put up with her share of trials, never once leaving my father. she lived what she preached about that topic.

My sister was now willing to be "excommunicated" from our family. Or so I thought, she would be. Time went by and I was not happy, I felt like I had the ultimate secret. I felt like I was going to burst at the seams. See, my brother-in-law, was calling my house, he was sad and upset. He wanted to know why my sister was going to leave him. He asked questions, lots of questions repeatedly. I did not like it one bit, it really tore at my heart. I had to listen to him, crying, to his pleads, to his broken words.

Well, caught, obviously in a trap, I was. What was I to do? I could not listen to this man, this part of my family, tell me he was going to offer my sister anything she wanted, when she left, he would tell me how he felt like a failure. He was bashing his self, and he was not giving any blame to her. He was about to give her the house, the furniture, the cars, and all.

What would you have done? What would be your way of dealing with a situation, that could be hurtful? I did what my prayers, what my conscience, and my humanity said to do. I finally explained what I knew. I felt like it was the right thing to do. While explaining it, he accused me of deceiving him. I took it, although I did not. I explained that she was my sister, she told me not to tell. She wanted me to be quite.

I also explained that after much investigation, my sister had no real reasons, except she had found someone who told her things she wanted to hear, things she needed to hear. She had claimed her husband was not a good father, that he was not a good husband. She had told others that he was abusive, and stayed gone for weeks at a time. This simply was not true. In an argument her jammed her finger once, accidentally, because she was waving her hand in his face, and he was trying to get past her. He was gone a week in the year , for a hunting trip. He and his friends made this a tradition, and my sister did not like the fact she could not go.

Sometimes things seem different, when you are on the outside, and I was definitely there. I asked her repeated times to give me a reason she said all those accusing things. I explained that if he hurt her, then I would be right by her side, helping her, get rid of him. I explained how I loved her, and how I wanted to be sided with her. But since she never had any reasons except she did not love him anymore(the other guy, maybe?) then I was going to tell her husband next time he asked.

She came to my house not long after that, and threatened to knock me out of her life, if I went through with telling all I knew, if I actually testified against her, in the divorce hearing. I told her I would have no choice if I was told I had to testify to what I knew. I was scared, I felt sick inside, and I asked myself, what was the right thing to do. I did not want to be involved, here I was seven months pregnant, and a high risk pregnancy any how.

I was called to court and I hated it. My doctor wrote a note for me to be excluded from all that , especially from the emotional stress, that it could affect my pregnancy. I was so emotionally drawn. I reached out to my mom, and she did all but call me a trouble maker, a liar. She said her and my dad was staying out of it. Yeah, right.

During the session before court, I was brought down to tears. My sister did everything possible to discredit me. She attacked my character. She said I was and had always been jealous of her, that I was a liar. She had her lawyer, tell of instances in grade school, when I was caught forging my mom's signature, once. I was in fourth grade, big deal. She told of times I rebelled at home, and times I stayed out late,, against curfew.

That look in her eyes, was so scary to me. She has a cocky grin, as if to say, "Ha, you are going to be discredited". How could she have been so cold. I did nothing wrong, she had. I did not lie, she had. I did not tell things about her that made her seem like a liar, she did to me though.

That is the just of it. He got the house, but could not have a relationship with their only son, for years. My sister refused to let the two of them. My mom and dad maintained contact and communication with her, but not me. After several failed attempts to describe and justify my position, to my parents, they basically turned a "deaf" ear to me.

I had my second child, kept right on living, daily, one step at a time. Now I am here at my computer writing this article. Telling my story. For years I have remained silent, but I feel, looking and thinking on things, I need to tell my story. I need to stop wondering "what if". I need to think though "If tomorrow never comes..." and I am. If tomorrow never comes, will my family know I miss them, care for them, and forgive them. Everyone of them, for choosing to live their lives without me in it, and sharing their love with my children, and husband. I do not want tomorrow to never come and someone somewhere might not stop and thank about their life. Think about what might have been.

I am thankful for the turns my life has followed. But I do wish things could have been different. I did wish that my children would grow up knowing the love of grandparents, aunts, ad cousins. I also did not picture my life this way, I was hoping to share memories, daily things, and so forth with my attentive mother. I also wanted to take my children to the places that I was when I was young. But no one knows what tomorrow will bring, or if it will come at all. Cease your opportunities, make things right between you and a loved one. Learn from those who have been there. God bless you , all.