If I Were a Comedian II

I love comedians. When I was a kid, I would record their televised acts on the vcr and then eagerly show my friends, ready for another good laugh. I loved the ones that made me laugh, a small, silver lining in my life. I've only seen a few live performances, but comedians haven't lost their touch or The Last Comic Standing. I always debated about trying out for that Reality Television Show, but Comedy is a passion just like writing is a love of mine. If not dedicated, then you would never shine, so I'll leave the side-splitting laughs to them. And I will take my act here across the page.

3. My mother is a real backseat driver.

I love driving alone. When driving alone, you don't have to worry about backseat drivers or idiots grabbing the steering wheel while you're driving the damn car. Don't you love that? The traffic light flashes yellow, and you think, "Yeah, I can make it." And your mother is in the front passenger seat, and what does she do? She grabs the steering wheel. Not only does she grab the steering wheel, she is pulling it toward her, and while she is pulling it toward her, she's screaming, "What are you doing?" "What am I doing? You're going to kill us!" I just wanted to slap her, but instead, I shrunk down in my driver-seat and hit the gas. The hell with it. I'll take us both out, but we made it. And that was not the first time that she did that. A nice pedestrian decided one night to wear dark clothing without reflectors and walk along a narrow, dark road, and of course, my mother had to be in the car with me. I didn't see him, and before I had a chance, she grabbed the wheel and screamed, "Look out!" "Thanks, mom. I didn't see that guy until he was under the car!" And no, I didn't hit him, but I would've liked to have hit her. And this is why I drive alone.

2. My poodle is slowly going insane.

We took my poodle, Charlie to the vet. The vet couldn't get over how vibrant he was. What's his secret? He rapes the cat once a day or twice, depending on his mood. He's a dirty, old bastard, but it doesn't cure his hearing. We thought he was completely deaf. Then, my father called him an animal, and his head snapped in his direction as to say, "I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?" We let that dog outside and call him back, and he could not give a shit. Well, actually he could and does right on the lawn, but his favorite thing to do? He pees on my tires. It's like O.C.D. He must pee on, at least one of my tires, but now he's getting creative. He decided to aim higher. If a bird could crap on my window, why not him? Lucky for me, he cannot defy gravity, so he paints my car yellow. I'll come outside, ready for work, and have yellow streaks all over the front of my white car. Yeah, thank you, Charlie.

1. Here comes the sun.

I finally got medical insurance. It's a great thing. Medical insurance because paying out of pocket sucks, and it's been a long time. I couldn't even remember the last time I got my eyes checked, so I decided, "Why not?" I went to this place right in town, got my eyes checked, and was told that I had 20-25 vision, but that was not the best part. I come out, finish the paperwork, and was told by the staff to "have a great day." Yeah, I look like the freaking Cheshire Cat, like I just ate the damn canary, but I smiled and left. And here comes the sun. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! My eyes! I was blind as a bat. "Hey, instead of wishing me to have a great day, how about those damn reflector glasses? You freaking idiots!" I'm standing outside a strip mall with my hands over my eyes. Now, luckily I didn't drive to this appointment, but I had to look for my father's car. Yeah, I had to look for my father's car with both hands over my eyes, stumbling around like a vampire caught out in the daylight. All I needed was glitter, and then I could sparkle like Twilight. "Are you okay?" "HEH." I must've been a sight for sore eyes, and here comes my father driving up along the store with his mouth hanging open. "What are you doing?' "I'm trying to see!" "Why not go back inside and ask for those glasses?" "Oh, great idea, if I could see the damn door. With my luck, I would walk through it, but hey, they wanted me to have a great day."