If I Won the Lottery

I just want to clarify for all that I am not the winner of the $220 million lottery. I know I told everyone that this was going to be my turn but it just didn't happen. I assure you all I never meant to lie to you. I have been buying lottery tickets for most of my life and I always say that I am going to win. But this time I really felt it - in my bones - this was going to be my time. And I knew that when I won the press would want to interview me and so I prepared my statement. I had to decide what part of me I wanted to show - the grateful side, the magnanimous and gracious side, or the gloating "glad it was me and not you" side. I decided I would take the low road and gloat. So here is what I would have said if I had been the winner of the jackpot this week.

"First, a very special hello to my x-husband and his lovely wife. It was my need to get away after our divorce that made me move and made it possible for me to buy this ticket. My thanks. And to all the men I've dated over the past years who felt I was too fat, or too ugly, not tall enough, not short enough, too clingy, or too distant - I guess I won't get to buy you that boat after all. I want to thank everyone who didn't hire me for every job I ever interviewed for. I'd be quitting to live a luxurious life. Now I don't have to do that. To every bank and credit card company that denied my loan applications - don't call me, I'll call you. And too all the friends and family who forgot about me when their lives became affluent and successful - oh- I can't remember who they were!"

Then I thought I would use the time to issue my own RFP (that's a request for proposals). So I continued -
At this time I am looking to connect with the following people -

• 1- A plastic surgeon who can change my appearance from head to toe an assure me I will look 30 years younger,
• 2- An architect who can design and build my dream house in one week,
• 3- A TV station who would like to give a reconstructed woman with a beautiful house her own talk show (which will only film on rainy days),
• 4- The owner of the Gem Shopping channel as well as the owner of a major cruise line, and last (but not least)
• 5- Emeril.
• Please, no investment folks. It's my intention to die broke.

I would look forward to the responses.

But, as I said, I'm not the winner. The speech has gone unheard. The elation of the win continues to elude me. My 15 minutes of fame is not to be. I am not to be the envy of all lottery ticket purchasers. I'll return to work and tell everyone that next week I'm going to win the lottery. And I'll check my numbers after the next drawing with my fingers crossed and my fantasy alive and well.