If You're a Twilight Fan, I Will Punch Your Brain in the Face

That's it, America! I can no longer remain silent, for a dark cancer is infecting the land and only we have the power to stop it. This infection has gone largely unnoticed by the government and mainstream media. So as Twelvepackistan's resident Trained Attack Geek, I must lead the charge, for this foe will not easily be silenced.

First, a little history. "Twilight" is the story of a terminally boring emo girl who falls into a love affair with an equally boring emo "vampire" (I put the word "vampire" in quotes because these characters only slightly resemble the idea of a vampire - they're like the vampire's gay cousin, only whinier and with more hair gel). All manner of troubles interfere with their devotion to each other, which has grown over a whole fifteen minutes. Now, normally I would dismiss this kind of tale as the mindless drivel it is, confident that the fad will die out in a few months and I can go back to knitting my latest Battlestar Galactica quilt. That was my plan.

Until I came face-to-face with the greatest evil humanity has ever known - the dreaded "Twilight" fan.

This particular mega-beast is no ordinary enthusiast, and it boasts a variety of powers beyond that of mere mortals. Powers that can cancel out all logical thought and nullify the will to exist. But, as usual, I'm here to save you. Yes, America, I have tangled with the beast. I have tested its powers, and survived the battle only slightly more disturbed than I already was. Allow me to educate you on the two most common weapons of a "Twilight" fan, or "Twitard".

1. The sonic scream: a Twitard's area-effect attack. When in the presence of all things "Twilight", whether it's a DVD case or a life-sized poster of dreamy, dreamy Edward, a Twitard will emit a shriek at frequencies never before uttered by humans. If that weren't enough, the range and power of these attacks increases exponentially when in proximity to the actual stars of the movie. Just last week at San Diego Comic Con, I saw a thirteen-year-old girl's entire body become a sonic missile when she learned that OMG!EdwardCullenOMG! would be making an appearance. You cannot imagine the horror. Steel girders rusted and bent, plate glass windows shattered, mothers shielded their children from the blast while their skeletons imploded. I only survived by hiding behind a life-sized model of Gandalf and chanting the One Ring's inscription until the shockwave passed.
2. Impervious to logic: try pointing out the Buick-sized holes in plot and characterization to the average Twitard. Go on, I dare you! It's one of the most astounding things you will ever witness on this green earth. Point out the fact that a stupid teenager declared eternal love and asked to join the undead after 45 minutes of romance. Observe aloud how a moody, anti-social, half-sleepwalking wreck somehow managed to be her new school's "It Girl" within thirty seconds of her first day. Declare the mind-bending convenience of Edward's "Bella alarm", which somehow rings in his head when she's in danger and allows him to magically appear by her side the next instant. Do all of these things with conviction, and watch as your clever arguments bounce off a shield of wishful thinking. Marvel as the nearest Twitard slips into a trance, clutching her hands to her heart and staring into the distance, whispering, "Their love is so pure....*sigh*...." Watch this unfold, my friends, and I promise you - you will weep for humanity. The only defense against this is to set their books and their fifty "Team Edward" t-shirts ablaze on the front lawn. It won't shatter the spell they're under, but it will make you feel better.

My best advice is to avoid Twitards altogether. Unfortunately this is becoming increasingly difficult, as the disease has since spread from pre-teen screaming girls to over-40 pathetic, lonely women who go home to eight cats and a bag of Oreos. On occasion, I have even witnessed grown men pulled in by the "Twilight" vortex. Of course, they were forced to surrender their Man Cards immediately, but I fear this problem may persist.

Something drastic must be done, America. Which is why I am forming the world's first GTDF (Global Twitard Defense Force). Join me, and together we shall vanquish this evil once and for all time!