Illustrating the Family Life Cycle

In 1992, the television network Lifetime presented an original movie called Doing Time On Maple Drive. Nominated for three Emmy awards, it was recognized as a great movie about a family in need. It was also a very good example of vulnerable populations experiencing crises affecting the family and its development through the family life cycle. Many factors can contribute to this, including society, culture and education.

The Carter family seemed to be idyllic at first glance. The youngest son, Matt, was attending Yale after an extremely successful high school career. The father, Phil, was a successful restaurateur and the mother, Lisa, proud of her son's impending marriage to the daughter of a wealthy family. The movie opens on a beautiful house that could have been any family's home in any suburb in America. However, the scene is quickly marred by the arrival of the oldest son, Tim, who has flunked out of college and reeks of alcohol. Soon, the disappointment the parents feel for their daughter, Karen, and Tim stands in stark contrast to their pride in Matt. Allison is the bride-to-be visiting the family while wedding preparations begin. Karen and her husband, Tom, make the family gathering complete as events unfold.

The events of this film highlight several stages of the family life cycle. Evident throughout is the stage known as Independence. Exemplary of this stage, each of the progeny was in his or her own way fighting to gain an identity separate of that which their parents had created for them. Tim had cracked under the pressure his father had set for him to get good grades and go to West Point and had turned to alcohol for comfort. Instead of moving on to independence, he created a self-perpetuating cycle of failure and alcohol that resulted in returning home to live under the disapproving gaze of his father. Karen placed the feelings of her parents above all else after her decision to leave college and marry a man they disapproved of ended in their disdain. She was so afraid of her parents that her response to her husband about children was, "do you know what my parent's would say if I got pregnant now? You know how my dad is about preparation". Matt, as the "perfect" son, was hiding a three year relationship from his parents because it was with another man, Kyle. All of them were laboring under the heavy expectations of their parents and unable to advance into complete independence despite their ages and Karen's marital status.

Of import was also the stage of Marriage or Coupling. In this stage a person attempts to commit to a new family and way of life while incorporating their experiences and lessons learned from their family of origin. Most obvious was Karen and her struggle to fully commit to Tom and begin a family according to their own desires. Phil had always made it clear that he felt a person (ergo, his daughter) should be financially prepared for parenthood before a pregnancy occurs. Tom wanted to have a child and felt time was passing them by. This conflict was instrumental in preventing them from making progress in this stage.

In contrast were the relationships between Matt and Allison and Matt and Kyle. Both relationships were in the midst of the coupling stage; there were serious issues preventing marriage and advancement in this stage. First obstacle was Matt's fear of his parents and his desire to please them. This created a need to lie and create a relationship with Allison that would meet his parental desires and expectations. The attempt to marry her was a way of fulfilling their wishes, however presented problems for Matt and his mental and emotional well-being. To continue with the marriage could have been crippling to his ability to gain true independence and would have left a huge imbalance in the relationship of power between family of origin and family of marriage. Also, the issue of sexuality was a very obvious barrier to achieving equanimity in the marriage. Sexuality also formed the basis for problems with Matt and Kyle's relationship.

Coupling faces unique challenges when faced with issues of sexuality. Laws prevent legally binding marriages and many theorists propose that marriage presents unique challenges that a relationship without marriage does not have. Matt and Kyle, despite the three year relationship they enjoyed, could not have experienced a legally binding, federally recognized marriage. In most cases, in the few areas recognizing gay marriage, travel to any other place comes with the acknowledgement that their marriage does not exist. This means that the "ideal" of the coupling stage could never be met for Matt and Kyle. Closer to home, the fear preventing Matt from telling his parents meant that the relationship could not advance. The secrecy and shame would prevent Matt from placing a priority onto his new family and prevent effective transitioning into the new family system.

Parenting was also a stage highlighted by the events in this film. Tom wanted a child with Karen, but she was afraid to have one at a time that would disappoint her parents. She eventually opts for a secret abortion. This would be a major crisis preventing progress into parenting. Tom responds to Karen's deception with "don't lie to me. I am not your parents"; a line which brings into focus the effect Phil and Lisa are having on their marriage and progression into parenthood. It is around this time that the parenting of Phil and Lisa is shrouded in doubt.

During the parenting stage, it is important to test and teach communication and flexibility. Formation of a personal identity requires an adolescent to experiment with thoughts, beliefs and styles. The parents must learn to allow a balanced atmosphere of support and emotional safety for this process to go smoothly. Pressure to conform and disparaging of adolescent efforts may lead to conflict and a lessening of trust in a period of time already prone to depression and distress. The effects of this are very apparent in Doing Time On Maple Drive. Tim and Karen were not able to live up to their parent's expectations and it was apparent in their parent's attitude towards them. This led to people insecure about themselves and struggling to obtain and maintain parental support; people fearful of the next time they failed parental expectation.

"All he has to do is be perfect. If he's not, don't tell (his parents), I don't think they wanna know" is the line that put's Matt and his relationship to Phil and Lisa into best perspective. It also highlights the stage known as Launching Adult Children. Matt was away as a successful student at Yale. However, he could not live his life according to his own desires. "The wall", a shrine to his achievement, was always in the background telling him he was going to be a lawyer, straight and make his parents happy as an example of a successful family. They were so invested in his life that their own lives, and that of their other children, was less important. Phil tells Matt that he is proof that he has "done something right with my life". Their inability to form adult relationships with their children is evident in Lisa's refusal to care about her son's happiness. "How dare you embarrass us like this" is her rant when she discovers Lisa will not marry Matt, showing how their investment in Matt was all about their own wishes and very little to do with what Matt needs.

The time which this movie was set was not clear, but it seemed to be late eighties or early nineties. That would place it during a conservative administration in the suburbs, historically conservative. Phil seemed to have an appreciation of things military, historically an area of conservative interest. While there was not any overt discrimination I saw this family facing, this time period was rife with latent heterosexism and anti-gay discrimination. There were no positive gay role models in media or print. There were very few instances of out and proud adolescents and many instances of hate crimes and teen suicides. "What about AIDS mom? Would anyone choose to be gay now?" is the question Matt puts towards his mom. AIDS was at the height of its media popularity, brought into sharp relief by the tragic story of Ryan White and the desperate search for medication to extend lifespan of carriers. This disapproving time period created a situation where it was easier to deny homosexuality and hide a person's true feelings to avoid the loss of friends and family.

The strengths perspective is the idea that man is more than his problems; that each person is possessed of the ability to change and adapt and grow to overcome adversity. This perspective can be hard to see sometimes when a person is surrounded by suicide attempts, hidden abortions and alcoholism as this movie is. Tom is a great example of a man with strength in flexibility. "I knew long ago your family came first. I accepted that..." is a statement showing this. Phil and Lisa have shown a lot of inflexibility. However, after a sharp conversation by Tom that pointed out how close he came to losing Matt, Phil is a brilliant example of the strengths perspective in action. Despite his early expectations, he was able to see beyond them to the pain Matt was in which spoke well for his insight. He was able to reassure him that he was not wanted dead, and eventually talk to him rationally about being homosexual and eventually accept his son's need for support which showed his capacity to adapt to his son's revelation. It was much easier to see this when next to the example of Lisa being unable to move beyond the "embarrassment" of the situation.

Social interventions could have been very beneficial to this family early on. On a macro level, offering free optional or mandatory parenting classes and greater education on diversity could have forewarned Lisa and Phil early on about the dangers of inflexibility and too many expectations. On the micro level, this family could use family counseling to improve communication skills and to help deal with old emotional wounds. Combined family counseling will allow them a "safe space" to confront issues in a mediated, structured setting to facilitate healing.

Tim needs some cognitive behavioral therapy to help with his substance abuse and to change his learned behaviors when it comes to his parents and his ways of dealing with them. He has a lot of anger that is apparent, and he suppresses it. In addition to his drinking, this could have health consequence later on.

Tom and Karen could benefit from some counseling to deal with the trust and emotional issues that are a result of this type of betrayal. At this degree of secrecy involving to unborn child Tom has wanted, the attempt at a secret abortion is bound to affect the relationship dynamic in a negative fashion. Learning effective communication skills and helping Karen to reprioritize the marriage and her relationship to Tom could go a long way towards a healthy future.

The parents need counseling to learn more effective interaction with their children and each other. Lisa desperately needs counseling to learn to accept her family and their personalities as independent adults. She may also benefit from grief counseling to accept the loss of the children she expected. Phil and Lisa should also learn that they themselves, as successful restaurateur and housewife, have merit and success in themselves and can stop looking for success through their children.

Looking at the family in this movie brings forth some good insight into family dynamics. It shows how deeply a family can be affected by parent's actions, beliefs and expectations. It is a lesson about how society can affect the circumstances in which a family is affected by perceptions of accepted norms. Finally, it illustrates the fact that families and family dynamics are not inherent skills or instincts, but formative. The family life cycle, while presenting tasks to complete in each stage, also highlights the flaws that become perpetuated in families as the generations proceed as people incorporate lessons learned from original families into their new families.