I'm Almost 34 Years Old but I'm Going Back to St. Jude Hospital

*Ring*--I check the phone. It isn't ringing but will soon. My nerves must be making it sound as though the phone is ringing. I am waiting for a call from the Memphis Grizzlies House to know if a room will be available tomorrow night. On Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of this week (March 2, 3, & 4) I return to the scene where some of my childhood was lost. The place is Memphis Tennessee. The scene is St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.

For ninety percent of my life, I have focused on the good from being a St. Jude patient. The physicians who work there saved my life-not solely my life but allowed me to keep enough of my reproductive faculties to conceive children in spite of ovarian cancer! In a period of 18 months I gave birth to both a son and a daughter. The physicians at St. Jude hospital are geniuses in my eyes. I once read a lot of childhood cancer survivors grow up seeing their doctors as heroes and I fall into that category. When I heard about the St. Jude for Life study it was before I was asked. I vowed to do the study if ever asked and so I plan.

A part of me is excited to return and tell my former doctors about my beautiful children. A larger part of me thinks I am irrational with the decision to return right now. The past three months have been a trial for my family. My mom died from complications related to colon cancer treatment one day shy of three months ago, my brother is having serious health problems with his heart, our cat disappeared two weeks ago and we could not find him though we finally did learn he was locked in our neighbor's basement for ten days. He died two days later from malnutrition under my bed-I head his entire end. Then, last Monday morning, my mother-in-law woke up with a horrible headache. A trip to the hospital revealed a brain aneurysm and she currently remains in intensive care.

Four days ago I went for a breast oncologist visit in Little Rock and everything was fine. Two days after my oncology visit, my children began baseline testing for Cowden Syndrome at a different hospital in Little Rock. Because they are so small, anesthesia was used for the MRIs. Hannah recovered without problem. Owen did become sick from the anesthesia but within a couple of hours was fine. We await their test results tomorrow. I pray they arrive and are good news before I jump in the car to return to St. Jude hospital.

The tests I will have performed are ones done many years ago. Due to my chemotherapy protocol the tests will be specific to organs affected by the medications in that protocol-bleomyacin, etiposide and cisplatin to be exact. Three medications that are simple words to most people but that bring nausea in speaking or thinking of them to me.

What will be on my mind as I reenter St. Jude hospital? The last time I went through those doors I was leaving with my fiancée and parents. I will be returning as having been married for almost nine years, a mom of two, and without my mom. I'm certain the nerves I feel currently will be amplified but I made a vow. My return isn't for me but for children undergoing chemotherapy treatment currently to know what to expect one dozen and a half years after treatment ends. If my one experience can add to the body of knowledge about childhood cancer recovery and adjustment into adulthood then I'm going to surrender to being a guinea pig one more time. I will keep a journal, write on here if there is time, and work out any nervous emotion. I am ready now to hear the phone ring.