I'm Beating Agoraphobia

Exploring the world around me has been somewhat of a challenge. I have agoraphobia. Sometime back I wrote an article about what's it's like living with agoraphobia. Today I'd like to share with you how I've been beating this alienating condition and moving forward and into the world outside my home.

Throughout my life there has always been a touch of apprehension when I had to leave my house but I didn't truly confine myself and my world to the inside of my home until around March of 2000. I remember the exact day when leaving my home became more than just a dread. It was terrifying. That one moment of fear kept me locked in its grasp until 2007 when the realization that the world was passing me by clamored for my attention.

The feeling that day by day I ceased to exist outside my home drove me, not into further hiding but straight into determination. Determination to beat the odds and determination to once again be a social, thriving individual.

I've read plenty of material on agoraphobia and panic attacks and I've even spoken to a therapist about it during a free telephone consultation. I was perfectly aware that remedying that part of my life was going to be hard. I knew that it would involve facing my fears head on and possibly utilizing medications.

Being that I'm not one to take medication I decided to face the fears once and for all and do something about it using a little cognitive behavioral therapy or the gearing up technique as I call it. Putting myself through that kind of torture wasn't something I wanted to do but it was something I had to do.

For me, the first step towards freedom came in the form of acknowledgment. I've always laughed off my sometimes strange behavior and let everyone think I was just weird or didn't like the sun or whatever. So to acknowledge and announce to the world that I had a real problem with leaving my house I wrote the before mentioned article, Living with Agoraphobia.

That article has been both an embarrassment and a relief. The embarrassment has obviously been harder to deal with. There are times I wish I could pull that article but on the same token I'm glad I wrote it and I feel relieved that I finally said it out loud.

Once I managed to acknowledge and accept my agoraphobia I moved on to the next step; leaving my house on a regular basis without panic attacks.

Needless to say that has not been as easy as coming out and saying that I have agoraphobia. It has been a grueling and exhausting experience.

To deal with the panic attacks I have over leaving the safety of my home I draw strength from the behavioral therapy methods that I know work for me.

I make lists and plans and I go nowhere without either one. Everywhere I go, outside of my home, only happens because I plan for it. A detailed plan for my outings seems to calm the crazy chatter that goes on inside my head.

In order to completely silence that non-stop chatter I allow myself time to prepare mentally. The first thing that has always come to mind when I have to go somewhere is the thought that I'm going to have a car accident and die. Today I can tell you that I'm prepared for that thought and I beat it down with a "no I won't" stick before it even pops up its ugly head.

A couple of years ago I avoided thinking about tasks that involved me leaving the house right up until the moment I had to actually do it. I know better than that now. Now, I give myself however much time I need (and I plan for that time) whether that be calming myself down days ahead of time or 4 hours earlier in the morning. I've learned avoidance makes the panic attacks worse.

Today I am proud to say that I am doing it. I am leaving my house regularly and I'm doing it with hardly any panic attacks.

During the summer of 2007 I did something I didn't think I could do. I drove a car for 8 hours from Indianapolis to Pikeville Kentucky and then from Kentucky back to Indiana by myself without having ever driven through this part of the country before. I can't tell you I didn't freak out a million times along the way but I can tell you I made the journey and I survived. I didn't get any traffic tickets, didn't have any accidents and I didn't even get lost. Go team!

I believe that journey gave me the confidence to continue to try to beat agoraphobia.

For the first time in 9 years I got a job that involves me leaving the comfort of my home. At first it was almost more than I could bear. I spent the entire working shift focused on breathing and getting through it so I could run home as fast as I could. Now I only have an occasional urgency to flee. For me that is huge.

Since the first part of 2007 I have attempted a few other things that required regular attendance such as work-outs at the gym. I'm not too proud to say that I failed to stay with it but I did give it a try. Instead of kicking myself in embarrassment for chickening out I let it go and console myself with the idea that I can't be perfect and I'm not going to be able to do every single outing without fear.

As I sit here writing this I can help but wonder if this is a phase. Will I return to existing only inside my home? Will the panic attacks return? Will I survive being away from home every time I do it? Is this a fluke?

I don't know. I don't have the answers to those questions. All I know is that for now I'm about 95% panic free and it feels good.

If someone you know is dealing with agoraphobia don't laugh or try to push them outside their comfort zone. If you are someone who has agoraphobia just know that no matter how hard it gets to leave the house or wherever you have confined yourself that you can leave and you will survive it.

I wish you the best in getting out and about.