I'm Dreamin' of a Redneck Christmas

Bad grammar and misspelled words are done on purpose within this essay to simulate the western dialect of this writer.

Howdy AC Contenters! And Happy Holidays to y'all! Yeeeeehaaaaaaw!!!

This here review is my circumcision...er...my submission to AC. Now sweet little HolloweenIsComing has been writin' GREAT WORKS a good long spell here at AC. In fact, she done writ over 5000 of them reviews (the gal's got time and a keyboard).

She done writ so many uh them reviews, she say she got "writer's block." Well don't you fret none, Holloweeny, I had writer's block and it ain't nothin' a little laxative won't cure. Jest take a good swaller of that pepto-milk-of-whatever and I guarantee you'll have plenty to write about. It jest takes about twenty minutes.

Now the object of this here assay is ta write about them holiday seditions...er...traditions. First let's start with the X-mas tree.

The Tree

When it comes to the X-mas tree, some folks prefer the Douglas fir, while other folks would rather fetch one uh them fake trees made in Taiwan. Me and my kinfolk jest go out back and cut down one uh them tall weeds.

When X-mas is over and the weed dries out, we kan jest roll it up in some leftover wrappin' paper, light it up, and have ourselves a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Now decoratin' the weed is a real hoot! Instead of usin' ornaments and lights and a star on top, me and my kinfolk like ta take a roll uh toilet paper and run rings around the weed. Then we spray that toilet paper decor with spray paint ta get all kinds uh purdy colors. Ifin we's out a paint, we jest let my drunk cousin Wilbert puke on the the weed and toilet paper-that makes lots a purdy colors for shore.

We like ta make our own ornaments by usin' them rubber balloons you kan buy in a box at the drug store. You kan jest slip them on the weed or you kan fill 'em with air or whatever else ya got, then hang 'em on the Christmas weed.

Them rubber balloons also make good stockings. Jest fill 'em up with yer most generous contribution. Speakin' uh contributions, let's talk about gifts.

Gifts

Ever since my kinfolk and me found out thar ain't no Santy Klaus, we have had ta make some adjustments. We don't sit up all night on Christmas Eve no more waitin' fer some fat feller in red pajamas who look like a white varmint done attacked his face.

We done converted to Taoism (a Buddhist sect). You would not believe all the money we done saved! Instead uh buyin' gifts at Walmart, we jest set around eatin' brownies made from the weeds out back.

Music

Me and my kinfolk love ta sang!

♫Ya better not shout...Ya better not cry...Ya better not pout...I'm tellin' yew why...Santy Klaus is commin' ta town...♫

Now that tune is a pack uh lies cause we ain't never seen no Santy Klaus! But that ain't the worst part:

♫ He sees ya when yer sleepin'...He knows when yer awake... ♫

What in tar nation?!! Is Santy some sort uh peepin' Tom? Land sakes! Anywho, here is one uh my favorites:

♫Oh Christmas weed...Oh Christmas weed...How lovely are yer brownies...♫

Other Traditions

If me and my kinfolk have any uh that thar toilet paper left after decoratin' the Christmas weed, we like ta go out and get drunk then tepee the houses in the neighborhood. Yeeeeeehaaaaaaw!!!!