I'm Fat and I'm Happy: How I've Come to Peace with Myself

I know I'm only one of thousands, possibly millions who've struggled with a weight problem. For the majority of my adult life, I've been overweight. No size 2 prom dresses for me; I'd be lucky to squeeze one leg into that little bitty piece of fabric. No stylish, low rise, hip hugger jeans would dare come near my ample bottom half; the more coverage for me, the better. However, I no longer live in a fog of angst and depression over my extra baggage, as I've learned to be at peace with myself and my size.

My parents were never very watchful with what I ate. The rule was, as long as I ate my regular, structured meals, I was pretty free to snack and munch as my heart desired. I'm a massive chocolate fiend, so it's always been a secret friend of mine. My regular meals were never very well balanced either. We always had plenty of money for meals, but my family, being of Italian and Irish decent, specialized in meals laden with meats, cheeses and carbs. Veggies were often few and far between, simply because no one was overwhelmingly fond of them.

As I grew, so did my weight. I believe I ranged in the 150-180 pound range from 6^th grade until I hit my early 20's. I was never the rail-thin beauty many of my fellow teenagers were, and I always envied them. How I wished I could wear slim fit jeans and small, close-fitting shirts and look half as good as they did. I suppose that's just basic human envy rearing it's ugly head. High school was the absolute pits, as children can be so cruel. Remarks flew at me like water; fatty, lardo, widebutt, and the most memorable, Anna Nicole (and at her heaviest stage, it was not a flattering remark), I had very few friends, and spent the majority of my time riding horses. I got plenty of exercise, as I rode daily, and showed horses and dogs on the weekends, so I engaged in a good deal of physical activity. My body just was not cut out to be rail thin, try as I might. I went on crash diet after crash diet, fasting, you name it, I can almost promise I did it at least once. With very minimal results, I might add. Upon leaving high school and venturing out into the real world, and daily assaults stopped, but my self-esteem was nil.

I continued to gain throughout my early 20's, as my level of activity decreased. I had a loss of about 50 pounds a few years ago and loved it, but I was engaged in a virtual starvation diet; I ate maybe 800 calories a day, worked on my feet for 8 hours a day, and spent at least an hour jogging. I was totally wiped out by the end of my shift, often falling asleep on the couch way before dinner. My husband grew quite concerned at my lack of energy, and we decided that perhaps that was not the best weight loss method for me. So, I gained it all back, and them some.

I got pregnant with our daughter in September of 2005, and believe it or not, I lost about 15 pounds during the pregnancy. I just wasn't hungry and even when I did eat, I apparently sent most of it onto the little one, so my weight decreased steadily. The doctors were never concerned, as the baby was growing well, so we happily accepted the weight loss. She was born quite healthy, and I recovered from the pregnancy well. We've moved across the country since her birth and I'm a full time stay-at-home-mom who also works from home, so again I'm back to little exercise, and a lot of time spent idle, as I'm on the computer so much. I've gained a lot of that weight back, although this time, the weight does not bring any ill affects.

I've come to a sort of peace with my weight as I've matured. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, a fabulous daughter who keeps me on my toes, and the knowledge that I am a beautiful person on the inside, and that love for myself radiates to my outer self as well. I'm confident in myself, happy with where my life is going, and satisfied that my life is coming together and will soon be complete. I am still working on losing this extra baggage I carry, as it causes me some discomfort. I'm not a agile as I used to be, and tend to get a bit winded chasing the little one and engaging in some of the activities I used to enjoy, and am determined to change that. I realize that I'll never be model thin, but I know that one day I'll reach my goal weight, and I'll achieve that goal knowing the hardships and trials I endured as a "fat girl" have helped make me into the person I am today. One day soon, the person I am on the outside will match the sexy, trim, well-rounded, confident person I am on the outside, and the world will see me for the great person I am, inside and out.