I'm Just Sayin'

(Nothing special. Just sweeping clutter off the porch in my head.)

• I started reading a scientific article, warning that Facebook was creating a self-obsessed generation, but after two whole paragraphs, the article hadn't mentioned me, so I deleted it.
• The 614 Republican presidential candidates met in Iowa for a debate. In honor of the event, I ordered a tepid pizza with no ingredients or spices, watched as each slice ate each other, and then sent the bill to somebody else's grandchildren.
• A new drug claims to endow mice with 50% more stamina. Imagine the thesis underlying that research grant. Inside this lab, I'm guessing, is a clutch of undergrad interns who often call in sick.
• Women shoppers in Fairfax, Virginia reported there's some sick freak on the loose, who sneaks up behind them in malls and slashes their clothes. Local police are rounding up members of Congress for questioning.
• Some supermodel is suing some ex-somebody for over $40,000 a month in child support. Heck, I'd give her ten bucks just to watch the kid eat.
• I saw a guy on TV wearing a shirt with small checks, a jacket with large checks, and a polka-dot tie. And he wasn't even healing people!
• "If you experience persistent bleeding, contact your doctor." I did not need to be told that.
• This first-time-ever credit downgrade for the United States is not gonna go well. Saturday night, I called out for some Chinese takeaway. They demanded I bring THEM food.
• Barry's Posting Postulate: The credibility of an email's content is inversely proportional to the size of the font used in the email.
• Last week, at a birthday party in Chicago, Nancy Pelosi put on a Marilyn Monroe wig, popped out of a cake and started cooing "Happy Birthday, Mister President." The entire block had to be quarantined by the Center for Disease Control's roving Nausea Containment Squad.
• A cat food commercial is boasting "real ingredients." Pardon me? What other kind of ingredients are there?
• Only on Facebook can somebody ask for help harvesting a lucky Farmville leprechaun horoscope mafia hit cocktail biscuit coupon, and then turn around and challenge somebody else for making an ignorant comment.
• You can now buy a Shirley Temple DVD collection. Eighteen chronically cute Shirley Temple films. Think about that. Somewhere, right now, some family could be queuing up eighteen back-to-back Shirley Temple movies. I'd snap like a twig.
• Following on the heels of their wildly popular financial downgrade of the entire United States of America, Standard & Poor's finally got around to downgrading Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the Weimar Republic, and the 1637 Dutch Tulip Mania. On a roll, they then signaled a promising future for an exciting new drug they've been reading about, known as penicillin. Next week, according to an insider tip, they plan to announce the pending breakup of The Beatles.
• Casey Anthony is now kiting checks. What is it with this Ma Barker Redux? Is she packing some kind of Cosmic Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card? If I miss a utilities payment by six hours, somebody downtown flips a switch, and suddenly I can't open my garage door.
• According to unnamed sources, Treasury Secretary Geithner "curses like a 7th-grade boy." So whatever happens with his iffy Treasury gig, Geithner'll be fine -- after all, with a mouth like that, he's a shoo-in for Vice President.
• I was thinking about forming a community group: Ignorant Southern Bigot Bomb-Throwing Reactionary White Vampire Racist Tea Party Terrorists, but I couldn't fit the ISBBTRWVRTPT logo on the guest towels at the lodge.
• That weird 12-member Super-Congressional-Committee-Of-The-Justice-League-All-Stars has finally been selected. One of the chosen twelve is from my home state of South Carolina. Another of them, Senator John "Heinz 57 Opinions" Kerry, went on record to point out that he was from South Carolina before he wasn't.
• These medicine commercials (with their "mild, rare" side-effects) are getting ridiculous. "A small number of heart attacks, strokes, and heart-related deaths have been experienced while taking Thiskudenditol. Other symptoms may include stabbing ear pains, blindness, barking like a doomed slavering ex-pet in a Stephen King novel, and a staggering sense of having made a really bad decision."
• Earlier this week, madness reigned at a rally in Ohio, when bomb-throwing, hostage-taking, bigot vampire Tea Party members allowed a non-public-sector-union fetus to come to full term. The unholy mob (read: "voters") then invaded a retirement home, where they overturned an all-organic salad bar and made several rude "Soylent Green" jokes. Afterwards, they shape-shifted into bats, desecrated a copy of Charles Darwin's eighth-grade math test, and sacrificed a middle-class goat.
• Shortly after concluding their Discontinued Shuttle Parts yard sale, NASA launched an exploratory rocket to Jupiter. Their mission: ask around on Jupiter, see if anybody THERE has a cogent fiscal policy.

On a personal note, I'm just glad NASA picked Jupiter. Given the conditions in Congress, if they'd pursued funding for Uranus, the jokes could've kept me awake all night...