I'm What Kind of Model?

I received an email from an established modeling agency looking to recruit new talent this week. "Any and all types should submit their online application," it boasted. Being that I've been trying to network myself in this industry and that I have photographer friends who send me credible things all the time, I decided to apply. Why not? I didn't have to put any thought into it. No essay asking me why I want to be a model even though I would have rocked their socks off with my witty response. I just had to input my contact information, supply a head shot, and enter my height and weight: Five feet, seven inches, one hundred and forty two pounds. An immediate email confirmation appeared in my inbox, but I decided to wait until after lunch to review it.

I came back an hour later to an alarming discovery. Along with wanting to verify that all my information was correct, the modeling agency went ahead and classified me in a specific category: Plus size model. Plus size model? You have got to be joking. I don't even shop in the "plus size" section at the store. I'm a size seven normally and a size eight when I'm bloated during that extra special time of the month. Suddenly I began to question my entire self perception. Was I not as fit as I had deluded myself to be? Was I, in fact, part of the obesity epidemic plaguing the country? Should I have skipped the tuna melt at lunch and opted for air with ice? My whole world felt as if it were collapsing in on me and my neurosis took full control of my thoughts.

Luckily, I managed to slap some sense into myself rather quickly. I came out from under the funk because, alas, my ego is always in spectacular shape. What did this model agency hope to accomplish with this categorization? Every other news story I see on t.v. or on the Internet has to do with another Hollywood actress suffering from "lollipop syndrome." This syndrome has been defined as the condition of having a big head sitting on a stick body. The new 90210 girls are being publicly scolded for showing off some cartilage and Megan Fox was told to pack on some pounds for the "Transformers" sequel. (Side note: Why not me?) Did these girls get the same email I did a while ago, per chance?

I could go on forever and a day over what's wrong with all of this, but instead, I propose a radical idea that will probably infuriate most. After all, anyone who reads my entertaining nonsense should be able to intellectually deduce where this is going. So, I offer the literary "change up" if you will. I believe this modeling agency is in dire need of updating its classification system. It's painfully obvious that how they are currently defining what plus size should be is grossly outdated. It would seem that those agency scouts haven't spent anytime at their local Wal-Mart. The United States of America proudly holds the title of most obese nation, doesn't it? People that are overweight are now considered the norm. So why are those who are perfectly fine being labeled as "plus size" by this heinous agency? Let's get with the times and hold a modeling audition at the mall amongst the masses. How about an Applebees'? Heck, let's all congregate in front of a church. All of this, naturally for purely selfish reasons, so I can stand next to the normies and be told I need to gain some weight.