I'm in Menopause and Want to Divorce My Husband!

You knew it would get here sooner or later - perimenopause. And with it would come the proverbial hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain, loss of libido, and, oh yes, those mood swings.

You also knew you would eventually come out of it and menopause would be waiting for you on the other side, along with an entirely new chapter of life. You've been looking forward to this, thinking of taking up some new hobbies, spending more time with your grandchildren.

Maybe even take some classes at the local community college. And oh yeah, you've also been thinking you want to divorce your husband too. Wait. What???

Do Women in Menopause Really Divorce their Husbands?

One of the more fascinating aspects of menopause, but, unfortunately, also one of the least discussed, is the profound psychological and emotional changes that occur alongside the physical changes in a woman's life.

While the medical community certainly gives a lot of attention to helping women navigate these changes, their primary focus is on the physical aspects of menopause. Yet, the emotional and psychological changes are just as significant, if not even more.

In fact, it is precisely these emotional and psychological changes that compel so many women to seek divorce once they reach menopause. Which, or course, begs the inevitable question - why?

The Female Brain and the Wisdom of Menopause

In the book, 'The Female Brain', author, Dr. Louann Brizendine, M.D. neurobiologist, psychiatrist and founder of the Women's Mood and Hormone Clinic in San Francisco, CA, explains the issue like this:

"A woman's ovaries stop producing the hormones that have boosted communication circuits, emotion circuits , the drive to tend and care, and the urge to avoid conflict at all cost. The emotional tending and nursing impulses are dialed down to a dull, steady roar. There's a new reality brewing in the brain and it's a take-no-prisoners view"

This "new reality" then, has been directly shaped and formed by a woman's shifting hormones during perimenopause. By the time she reaches actual menopause, she has literally been changed into a new woman. A new woman, who, also according to Dr. Brizendine, is far less interested in pleasing others and much more interested in pleasing herself.

If she has been unhappy in her life's relationships, such as her marriage, for example, and if she is inclined to leave the relationship or seek a divorce, this could be the time that it would likely occur.

In her book, 'The Wisdom of Menopause,' Dr. Christine Northrup says that these psychological and emotional changes literally put "our entire life under a microscope" and that the hormone driven re-wiring gives a woman a "sharper eye for inequity and injustice, and a voice that insists on speaking up about them."

Furthermore, Dr. Northrup says, "if a marriage or relationship is to survive and thrive after menopause, then both spouses have to be willing to redefine and restructure the relationship with new ground rules for the future."

Is Divorce Inevitable at Menopause?

Obviously, not every marriage ends in a divorce when a woman reaches menopause . While it can be disconcerting and troublesome to the status quo of a long term marriage or relationship, it can be an opportunity to iron out a few kinks and wrinkles or take care of any excess emotional baggage in the form of unresolved issues.

It's also important to mention that menopause does not make a good marriage bad. If the marriage has been built on a solid foundation of good communication, mutual respect and common goals and values, menopause will not change that.

However, if there have been years of inequities and problems that have not been adequately dealt with, the chances of them getting unearthed during menopause are great. Furthermore, if a spouse is unwilling to tackle the task of redefining and re-evaluating the relationship, the marriage could very well be headed for serious trouble.

Seek Counseling and Guidance First

Divorce should never be approached haphazardly or in a cavalier manner, particularly if you have children. Not to mention, untangling decades of marriage to someone is not an easy process. Inevitably, someone will get hurt.

If you are in menopause and think you want a divorce, it is always a good idea to seek professional counseling first. It may be that you can find a way to forge a new direction in your marriage that may not be optimal, but is acceptable.

If not, counseling can at least provide an outlet for you to work through your emotions and feelings surrounding the divorce and help you successfully transition into your new life as a single woman.

Sources:

The Perimenopause Blog.com

"My Wife is in Perimenopause and Wants a Divorce. Now What?" November 24, 2010. Associated Content. November 26, 2010. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/6052576/my_wife_is_in_perimenopause_and_wants.html?cat=5

"Perimenopause Hot Flashes: Cool the Heat with Soy". June 10, 2010. Associated Content. November 26, 2010. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5443600/perimenopause_hot_flashes_cool_the.html?cat=5

Brizendine, Dr. Louann. (2006). The Female Brain. 136, 138. New York: Broadway Books

Northrup, Dr. Christine. (2006). The Wisdom of Menopause. 9 - 19. New York: Bantam Dell