I'm Not Going to Hell!

This happened to me when I was three years old, and it still infuriates me whenever I remember it. My Mom wanted my sister Barbara (5 y.o.) to take me to the church that was down the street from us. I was excited because I got to wear this pretty white dress with a matching umbrella purse. I had never been to church before and was a little nervous. We walked in the Church and it was very crowded. All the seats were taken, except in the front row. The sermon had already started and as I was sitting down, the Preacher pointed to me and yelled "YOU'RE GOING TO HELL"!! Then he pointed to a woman and yelled, "YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!!" I could'nt believe it! How dare this man tell me that I'm going to hell? I jumped up and screamed as loud as I could, "SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! I'M NOT GOING TO HELL!! I'M NOT GOING TO HELL!!" Well, he shut up alright, with his mouth hanging open, he looked very shocked and surprized. LOL!! My sister grabbed my hand and took me out of there as fast as she could. As we were leaving I could hear the congregation starting to laugh. When we got home, my sister shouted "I'm never taking her to church again!!"

Two years later, my Mom decided it was time for me to go to Sunday School. I was nervous because I had never been in a class before and I was surrounded by complete strangers. I wasn't there five minutes when the teacher asked me to say a prayer. I had never prayed in front of anyone else before but I figured I would just do it how I usually did it. I bowed my head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless all my brothers and sisters and Mom and Dad. Thank you for my friends and family. Thank you. Amen." The whole class started laughing, even the teacher was laughing. I couldn't understand it. I still don't . I asked the teacher, "Why are you laughing!" She said, "We don't usually say thank you so much." I ran crying all the way home. I decided right then I would never go to that church again. To this day, I still don't understand what was so damned funny.

I did'nt go back to Chuch again till I was thirteen years old. I went to a Catholic Church this time, with my best friend Nova. We got there a little late so we had to sit on the front row. After a few minutes everyone started to sing. I happened to look back, and I noticed that everyone was standing up. I nudged my friend and we stood up. We finished singing and he preached a while. He then told us to stand up and open our Hymnals. Nova and I both bent down at the same time and smacked our heads together. It was so loud we could hear it echoing throughout the Church. It hurt pretty bad too. Everyone in the Church started laughing at us. This time I could understand why. It was pretty funny.

When I was fifteen, I found a really great Church. I liked all the people there and I made some good friends. I was kind of embarrassed because I didn't have any dresses to wear to church, I didn't even have any nice pants to wear. I mostly wore blue jeans, but everyone said that it didn't matter what you wore, just that you show up. I loved it there and felt very welcome.

A year after I started going to this Church, I met a sixteen year old guy, who was homeless. His parents had kicked him out and he had no where to live. He would come to my house and my Mom would give him something to eat and let him use the shower. I invited him to my Church but he was worried that he didn't have anything nice to wear. I told him that they didn't care about that. I washed his jeans, which had a few holes in them, but they didn't look too bad.

When we got to Church everyone was looking at him like he was the scum of the earth. No one came up to greet him like they usually do newcomers. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't believe how they were treating him. I realized that they had been telling me lies the whole time. These people who I thought were Christians were all hypocrites! The next week I asked The Pastor if I could address the congregation. I got up there and told them how ashamed I was of everyone of them. I told them that I didn't think we were supposed to judge other people by what they wore. I told them that they missed the chance to help this poor guy who was down on his luck. I left the Church and never went back.

I'm forty one years old now. I have been to several Churches over the years, but I have never felt comfortable in any of them. I even went to Jimmy Swaggart a few months ago with my friend Brenda. They sang and danced for three hours and only had a twenty minute sermon. I hated it! I went there to hear the word of God but had to listen to all that singing. What really upset me about the whole thing was that they are totally in it for the money. Jimmy's son got up and said, "We have to make Three million dollars today." I want everyone to take out their checkbooks and give us a thousand dollars or more." Everyone went up and handed him a check, and he read it out loud. My friend went up and gave him a twenty, he looked at her like she handed him a pile of shit.

I have realized over the years that I feel closer to God in my own home. I can concentrate better on the bible. I don't have to worry about what I am wearing or what people think about me. I feel that everyone has the right to make their own decision about going to church or not. As it is right now, I feel that Church is not for me.