I'm Still Here - Joaquin's Here but He's Really Gone

And all the men and women are merely players."

-William Shakespeare

Okay, now this has got to be the most bizarre documentary I have ever seen in my life! "I'm Still Here" follows after Joaquin Phoenix from when he decides to retire from acting to become a hip hop artist. We've seen this drama with Joaquin unfold when he made his bizarre appearance on Late Night with David Letterman, and we became immediately fascinated at the immense damage he has been doing to himself and his justly acclaimed acting career.

But we have all been wondering the same thing, is Joaquin really serious about this? Or is this all an elaborate hoax where he proves to be a better actor than we give him credit for, even after watching "Gladiator" and "Walk The Line" for the umpteenth time? You will all be coming to this documentary looking for the definitive answer on this, but you come out of it uncertain that you ever find one. Regardless of how you see it, there will always be that strong sense of doubt in your head as you walk out of the movie theater.

"I'm Still Here" opens with some old video footage of when Joaquin was a little kid, and we see him at the top of a little cliff over a lake as his dad watches on and encourages him to jump in. It takes him forever, but he does finally make the plunge to his father's delight. We then get a glimpse of a talent show video showing the Phoenix family singing and dancing as if their America's next Partridge Family. It's an innocent little prologue to the madness that will soon unfold on the silver screen. After watching snippets of footage showing Joaquin being praised by so many critics and fellow actors, it's all downhill from there.

We see Joaquin talk about how he feels all boxed in by the public's perception of him or how he perceives their perception to be. No longer does he want to be held captive by people's definition of him, and he says that it makes him feel like a fraud. "I'm Still Here" follows this actor as he redefines himself for public consumption, but you have to wonder if his whole goal is to have the world hate his guts so that everyone will leave him alone. Or is he doing all this just to feel alive? Forget Andy Kaufman, Joaquin Phoenix may very well be the reincarnation of lounge singer Tony Clifton!

Throughout the documentary (if you really want to call it that), Joaquin seems intent on leading a life of debauchery. Acting like he's Pete Doherty, we watch him snorting cocaine, calling prostitutes for some wild sex, and taking his problems out on his closest friends and assistants as if everything is their fault and not his. It's hard to think of a more narcissistic human being on the planet after watching Joaquin in "I'm Still Here." One of his friends does get revenge by "dropping the kids off" on his face as he sleeps. Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but certain things are much warmer and ickier than that.

If this film is indeed the real thing and not staged, then it serves as a travelogue into an artist throwing away his talent thoughtlessly. Joaquin transforms himself from a truly talented actor to a grotesquely overweight sloth just like Marlon Brando allowed himself to become in his later years. Joaquin's refusal to shave his hair which grows like a weed acts as his way of giving the Hollywood establishment the finger, and it only increases our perception of him as a complete weirdo.

We do get to see a number of celebrities here who at the movie's start are all hugging and being chummy with Joaquin like Jack Nicholson and Sean Penn among others. One of the big celebrities to leave quite a mark on "I'm Still Here" though is Sean Combs (the artist formerly known as P. Diddy or whatever). Watching his expressions as he listens to J.P. (Joaquin's hip hop name) and his demo (which has to be heard to be believed) is as painfully funny as his performance in this past summer's "Get Him To The Greek."

Then there's Ben Stiller who drops by Joaquin's pad in Los Angeles to offer him a part in Noah Baumbach's "Greenberg." Regardless of the fact that Joaquin has already said that he has retired from acting, Ben is convinced this is the perfect part for him to play. Joaquin ends up yelling at Ben as if he had no business offering him this role in the slightest, and we watch Ben sitting there all bewildered as do many others who are desperate to make sense of what is happening to J.P. Of course, Ben got his at the Academy Awards when he parodied Phoenix's bizarre appearance on Late Night with Dave Letterman. The sting of that Oscar moment now feels even sharper than before now that we have witnessed their freaky encounter with one another.

When it comes to Joaquin Phoenix the hip hop artist, I really felt we owed him a chance to prove himself. We all heard about how bad his debut was which he blamed on technical difficulties. But come on, do we really have to make quick summary judgments on his rapping skills after one bad night? With "I'm Still Here," we see him working at his raps and performing onstage, and now it's official... he truly sucks at this. Watching him try to rap is painful to the point where you can't help but laugh because he looks and sounds so utterly ridiculous. Thanks all the pot he smokes in every scene in the movie, he's constantly running out of breath while trying to keep up with the beats he wrote down on paper. Eminem and Kanye West have absolutely nothing to worry about (Joaquin is welcome to prove me wrong though in the future).

"I'm Still Here" is directed by "Gone Baby Gone" actor Casey Affleck who also happens to be Joaquin's brother in law as he is married to his sister, Summer Phoenix. God only knows what was going through her mind while these two acclaimed actors collaborated on this crazy ass docudrama (we never hear from her). Casey was said to have captured over 400 hours of video for this, and you have to wonder if there was anything in that footage which actually showed Joaquin in a positive light (however slight). At the very least, what Affleck has captured here is never boring for a second, and while others may find it hard to sit through, I couldn't take my eyes on the screen. If I ever did, it was to see the reaction on the faces of the audience members to get a handle out of how they were taking this all in. A couple of people did walk out before the halfway mark.

So what's the point of "I'm Still Here" anyway? That fame can really suck when the whole world doesn't take you seriously? That fame can be so isolating to where you can't trust anybody, even your friends? That career changes are easier said than done? That the spirit of Andy Kaufman is alive and well? Seriously, documentary or mockumentary, this film could be seen in a lot of different ways, and there's no consensus you can come to other than Joaquin is a spoiled rotten actor who thinks of no one but himself.

Seriously, I really do hope it's all a hoax because I would hate to think that Joaquin really is throwing his whole life and art away for no real purpose. We all know how his brother River died so shockingly, and we would think that he would do everything to avoid a similar fate (surprisingly, no one ever brings this up). After all is said and done, I believe he still has the capability of being a great actor once again. If "I'm Still Here" proves to be . If it's all real though, then the man needs some intervention pronto. His walk through the waters of Panama last almost as long as the kid walking towards the sunrise in Julie Taymor's "Titus," and he seems desperate to purify himself. Only time will tell on that.

By the way, here are a few things I want to leave you with in regards to whether this is real or just a hoax: How many documentaries have a cast of characters in the end credits? Doesn't that seem kind of unnecessary? Did anyone see that Joaquin's father is actually being played by Tim Affleck, Casey's father? Why is Joan of Arc thanked in the end credits? What's the meaning of Sean Combs and Ben Stiller getting a very special thanks? Did they give their permission to release footage of themselves in it?

C'mon, let this be a hoax! PLEASE!!!!

*** out of ****

By the way, that rating is relative to the entertainment value of "I'm Still Here." This movie defies easy criticism in so many ways that it becomes pointless to give it any stars. You just have to see it for yourself to make up your own mind about it.