I-Messages: Assertiveness Replaces Guilt Trips

I've had an ongoing conversation with a friend lately, about how she would like to follow a certain path but doesn't feel she can. For some time now this friend has also been plagued by people trying to tell her that she can surely find a way, and the cheerleading has recently gotten to a point where it was drowning out everything else - I think maybe even her own feelings about what she wanted for herself and her family.

I have to confess that when I first heard her talk, I did a bit of my own cheerleading too. Why not? I asked her. You're more than qualified, and it certainly sounds like a good fit for you knowing your philosophy. The thing is, I may have understood a bit about what she was trying to avoid happening to her family. But I didn't really appreciate what it was she did want.

Why? I think in good part it was because of the way she expressed herself. She measured herself against other mothers in similar situations and she'd say, I'd like to be like you, but I'm afraid I couldn't make it work, instead of, I admire you for what you're doing and there are things about your life that I'd like to choose for my family, but there are a lot of other reasons for us to take a different path right now.

When I took the time to ask about my friend's concerns everything suddenly became clear, and I realized that she had very good reasons to take the path she was on. She might have regrets because that path didn't leave room for some things she'd like to do, but they were small regrets and she was really quite confident she had made the right choice for now.

Why don't you just say, "It's not for us"? I asked her. You know what's a priority for you, and I think you've got a darn good handle on those priorities right now. You don't need to do what I'm doing. You need to do what's right for you, and to know that you are the only one who can decide what that is.

Wanting to Please

Most of us are born people pleasers. We learn very early in life that if we want to get something from another person, they have to want to give it. Attention, a chance to play the game, sitting next to them at lunch, a good grade in English, a later curfew, whatever. By the time we reach adulthood we've learned that we catch more flies with honey. We've also learned that when we are like the people we want to be around, they are more likely to accept us. People have to find some commonality before they feel connected to us, and they just aren't likely to encourage contact if they don't feel that contact.

So we do our best to fit in, and we try really hard most of the time to do things that we think are expected of us. Even if that's not what we want to do. A superb example of this, that I recommend reading with tweens and teens, is the discussion of how the main character in Homeschool Liberation League feels she is a different person at school - a person she doesn't much like. Whether you homeschool or send your children to public or private school, it's likely they have experienced a similar feeling of behaving a certain way just to fit in with other kids. It's important for us to acknowledge that we all have moments where we feel that way, and to teach our kids that everyone else is probably feeling the same way too. It's easy for a whole group of people to get caught up in what they think the others expect from them, and to end up an entire community of less than authentic people, none of whom is pleased with who they are at the moment.

The key to avoiding that sort of situation is to teach kids to be themselves and to not worry about what anyone else thinks. Try it out yourself, you'll discover it isn't as easy as it sounds!

Easy or not, it is a thing we all have to learn one day. Otherwise we're walking through life doing what we think others expect us to do, and not following our own paths.

Don't believe wanting to please is a strong need for people? Abraham Maslow studied some of the most remarkable people he could find when he was formulating his theory of personality. Even so, this need for acceptance and belonging is the very first thing to be addressed, as soon as the individual's physiological and safety needs are met. Furthermore, he saw the collection of human needs as a hierarchy in which it was necessary to fulfill lower order needs before fulfillment of higher ones was possible. In this hierarchy, it was impossible for the individual to develop self-esteem, to feel competent, to seek knowledge or aesthetics, to find overall satisfaction with one's life or to transcend the here and now without first feeling a sense of belonging. ("Maslow's hierarchy of needs")

The Grass is Always Greener....

This is another thing we tend to internalize at a very young age: someone always has it better than we do. They have better toys or a later curfew, their parents are cooler or their back yard is bigger, or they have a godmother who spoils them rotten on birthdays and holidays. Maybe this is a built-in drive that is supposed to keep us from becoming complacent, lest we actually neglect our own needs, but it can be very depressing as I'm sure you know, to constantly compare oneself to others. Healthy competition is a good thing, and it's really wonderful if you can rejoice in another's gifts and successes. Feeling bad because you aren't them will get you exactly nowhere, but so many of us still do it.

The better thing to do is to see what a friend or competitor has as a motivator - set a goal to attain that thing. If your godmother isn't going to hand it to you on a silver platter, don't just write it off as impossible. You can still have the things that are really important to you if you are willing to work for them.

Just keep in mind that nothing in life comes free. Don't be jealous of the mother who stays home to raise her kids while you spend forty hours a week slogging through the tedium of the workaday world. Instead remember the trade-off: Stay at Home Mommy gets to be with her kids but she isn't making your income, so she has to give up some of the little pleasures you take for granted every day. That may be why you don't see her down at your favourite watering hole on weekends anymore.

Assert, Don't Wait to Defend

Once you've put your priorities in order and made your decisions about what road you want to take, remember that this was your choice - and only your choice - to make. Anyone who wants to judge you can kindly do it behind closed doors where you don't have to be bothered by it. or perhaps they can elevate themselves just a bit, and try to understand why you do what you do without judging.

An important part of being happy with the road you've taken is to assert that choice, rather than sitting around waiting to defend it to the first person who takes issue with your decision. Don't say, I'd love to do it your way, but I don't think I could manage. At best that will set off a flurry of cheerleading and rescue attempts, as your friends try to convince you that you can, too, do what they're doing. After all, they know they're not Superwomen! And if you sound unhappy about your decision they'll want to help you get what you said you really wanted - and by saying "I'd like to but...." you're telling them you really want something different.

What you need to tell your friends is that you see the value in what they're doing, and maybe there are even things you wish you could have in your life, but given the choices you are happy with the one you've chosen.

The key is to either say simply, I'm happy with my life,or to elaborate a little: Given our finances and the environmental impact, I really can't justify having a second car right now. We'd be happy to go out with you, but we're taking public transit.

I've found this affirmative approach has been very helpful in dealing with little issues that pop up at school or with babysitters or relatives. It's also really handy if you're that person who gets asked to do absolutely everything, and can never manage to say no. Try saying, I have enough on my plate at the moment and really wouldn't want to do less than my best for you. Perhaps another time? It's tough for someone to argue with you, because only you know when your plate is too full. And it certainly sounds a lot better than whining about how the other parents never do their part!

If you do want to be involved with something but feel you have an obstacle of some kind you could say, I'd really love to sit on the committee but I find my hands are pretty full already. Perhaps you could find someone to help me with the fundraiser, so I can free up some of my time?

You probably will always catch your flies with honey rather than vinegar, and most of us will never completely outgrow longing for the greenness on the other side of that fence. But learning to say what we mean in a positive way can be an important step in leaving behind some of the guilt and frustration in our lives. Being affirmative is not only being positive, but standing firm on a given point. If you feel strongly enough about something to choose it for yourself and your family, wouldn't you want to affirm that choice too?

Sources:

"I-messages and you-messages" Heidi Burgess (CRInfo.com)

"Maslow's hierarchy of needs" Educational Psychology (Valdosta State University)

"Self disclosure, assertiveness and I-messages" William H. Kirby (UWSP)