Immigrant Song

One day, sitting around my house, I began thinking about all the great new television shows I'd been hearing about from all my friends. I thought, I should reallyget one of those brand new flat-screen plasma TVs everyone's been talking about. I decided to do just that when I realized I had absolutely no money. Then I thought, I suppose I could just steal one. But wait, that's illegal! I can't do that! Then I thought, But if I don't steal one, how am I going to see all those new shows? And I decided to go out and steal one.

On my way out the door I remembered I didn't own a car. Thinking it over on the stoop, I noticed my neighbor's brand new Cadillac just sitting in the driveway with its windows down and the keys in the ignition. I thought, Well I guess I could just take his car. Then I thought, But wait, that's illegal! I can't do that! Yet when I realized if I didn't take it I would have no way to go steal the flat-screen television, I decided I'd have to take it after all.

I arrived at the television store not long afterward, and after I'd broken the glass, taken the television, and somehow managed to get it into the back seat I saw this pretty woman just staring at me. I thought how nice it would be to ask her out and maybe even take her to my place. Then I thought, I could probably just tie her up and put her in the trunk. But wait, that's illegal! I can't do that! Then I realized that if I didn't do it then I might never get to date her it all, so I knocked her out, tied her up, and threw her in the trunk.

As I proceeded to enter my stolen Cadillac, which I had commandeered for the purpose of obtaining my stolen television, and which held in its trunk a battered beauty queen taken against her will, I noticed an officer of the law running toward the car. I realized, If he catches me I'll probably go to jail. Then I won't be able to watch my new TV. I could probably just shoot him, but that would be illegal. I can't do that! But as I thought it over some more I decided, If I don't shoot him, how will I ever get away? And so I took my gun out and shot him three times in the chest.

Well on the way home I decided I didn't really want the television after all, and it seemed like a nice day for a walk, so I sold the TV, the car, the gun, and the woman to some guy downtown and just started walking. That was a few years ago now. I took the money I got from that sale and invested it wisely, ending up with quite a large return.

Recently I put the down payment on a large piece of land in northeast Michigan, and subsequently began farming it. One day, as I looked out over all the crops, I realized, Wow, that's a lot of land, it's going to take a lot of work to maintain it all. I thought about hiring some undocumented workers, but after further consideration I thought, That's illegal! I can't do that! Then I thought about it some more and realized, If I don't hire undocumented workers, who will do the work?

I guess sometimes breaking the law is justified when you feel like your options are limited.