Impatience, Pride and Stubbornness After the Fall..

A couple of years ago, I got a taste of what it means to be in pain and most importantly what it feels like to be handicapped, even if slightly. What happened to me affected me greatly and will stay with me for a long time. This is my story, read and learn.

For a week I was stuck in bed, then it was another 3 weeks before I was allowed out of the house. It was a lesson in patience for me on more than one level. And a lesson I didn't want to learn...I fought it all the way. And then the clincher came. I don't know what I expected when I went to the orthopod for my 1 month check up but I certainly wasn't expecting to hear him say that I most likely would be using an ankle brace and cane for at least another 8 weeks....that made 3 months total! And that was just the brace...it could take up to 6 months before I walk without a limp, and that was if my ankle healed correctly. It seems my ankle was as severe a sprain as you can get without needing surgery so the chance of me ever walking without a slight limp much less my running days, were most likely over.

Not what I wanted to hear...trust me. Just the thought of it made my blood run cold and I couldn't decide if I wanted to throw up or cry. I admit it, I was more than a little self centered here...I wanted to wear my summer sandals and I was looking forward to shorts and working in the garden. I wanted to be able to take a run at sunrise and see the world as it awoke. But this doctor was telling me that was all for naught. It was all most likely gone.

At his statement, I saw all that go out the window. I began to plan a pity party but was too embarrassed to make out an invitation list. Plus I was too depressed to even cry much less plan a pity party.

Oh I could have worn shorts, I know that...but if truth be known, the ankle brace was really ugly and I was embarrassed when people look at me when I was in public. Somehow it isn't bad telling you folks about the accident, but to have total strangers stare at me is just too much. And it isn't what they say that is so bad...it what they don't say....I saw them stare then turn away, as if I have some sort of disease they don't want to catch. Needless to say, I wore a lot of long pants to hide the brace as much as possible. I guess I figure if they don't see it, they won't ask about it. And when I wasn't pushing a cart, I leaned on the cart and not limp either so that was taken care of too. Yes, I had it all figured out, until I realized I was going on vacation to Branson, Missouri and much of my time would be spent in the hilly region of Silver Dollar City.

After long consultation with Doctor D, I got it through my thick skull that I'd have to rent either a wheelchair or an electric cart for the park. I put a cart on reserve for the full day we went but since they didn't reserve carts for half days, I had to reserve a wheelchair for the half day. Boy was I served a healthy helping of humility! I felt so clumsy in that wheelchair and please don't take this as disrespect, but I wanted to disappear when people looked at me and quickly glanced away. I was really embarrassed. It was if they were embarrassed for me and curious to know why I was in that wheelchair too. It was too much to deal with at times. I found a lot of quiet places to sit and disappear when there were rides I couldn't ride on.

The half day went fairly well with my husband pushing me up and down the hills, but then came the full day and my experience with the electric cart. Now, I know they look like they'd be kind of fun and easy to drive but let me tell you, they aren't. I had about an hour to kill while my husband and the boys took a cave tour so I set out to learn to drive the cart. (And that was a real heart breaker too let me tell you. I love that cave and I wanted to go so badly, I found a corner by a fence and cried some self pity tears for awhile. It really hurt and made me realize what things I was missing by being in a wheelchair.) And there were other things I discovered about using a wheelchair. What I discovered was really eye opening! I found that accessing many shops was limited as to whether I could even get to the front door of the shop much less navigate inside. Many shops had so much merchandise in such a small area that I couldn't get to a lot of it. Plus so many shelves were out of reach of me in the cart. The counters were high and it was hard to sign credit card receipts, so hard I began to pay in cash. It was a lot less embarrassing. (no, I hadn't lost my pride...that came later) On top of shopping, the path to and from the restroom was very narrow and had a sharp turn at the end going in a door so maneuvering the cart was like trying to parallel park a tour bus in a compact car space....it couldn't be done!

And I couldn't access a lot of the rides either, they were too hard to get to in the cart and I couldn't walk very far on the hilly terrain. That was the ultimate in embarrassment not just for me but for a young girl I met during our day there. Jill had injured both of her ankles much like myself and was actually more limited in her walking than even I was. While I could leave the cart with my husband to walk into restrooms and stores, she could not and on more than one occasion I saw her sitting alone while her companions were shopping or riding rides. It was a heart wrenching sight seeing this 16 year old girl, left out of all the fun. She was obviously hurting, so I ventured near her and we began to chat. It was nice to talk to someone who was going through the same experience despite the difference in our ages. She said it was just a relief to talk to someone who understood what was happening and I agreed.

And then there were the store clerks. I mention this because Jill and I discussed this as we were waiting for family at one point. We both discovered that when we went into shops in our chairs or carts, we were virtually ignored. But when we limped in, the clerks were all over us with kindness and helpfulness. We couldn't come up with an answer for the clerk's change of attitude with the chairs or simply limping, other than wondering if they too were embarrassed by our using wheelchairs and carts. The reason really doesn't matter though, the hurt was there and will always be remembered from that day by both a woman nearing 50 and sadly enough by a 16 year old girl too.

I know there are some who are saying "at least you don't have to use it all the time"! And that's right...I don't. But even that thought didn't cheer me up, in fact it made me feel worse. You see it gave me a pretty sick feeling when I realized that I was only using the cart for 1 ½ days and there are those who use them all the time......all the time having to put up with too small doorways, high curbs that are impossible to navigate and paths that are too narrow to travel....having to put up with people who act as though you are invisible or are overly rude in their ignorance of the problems of maneuvering around. And worst of all having to deal with depending upon others to help when I was really wanting to be as independent as I was before my accident.

My grandmother used to say that everything happens for a reason and we can learn a lesson from each problem in life. I think I learned from this experience not only patience but I developed a new respect for those who struggle each day to try to get around in a wheelchair. And I learned through it all there are some kind people left in this world. I don't think I will ever forget the moment when a woman stopped me as I tried to maneuver my chair down an incline to meet my family and took over pushing me to the observation area.. She was kind, caring and a genuinely compassionate person. When I tried to thank her...she said, "no thanks are necessary, this is what Christians do for others...we help when we are needed and we thank God that we can!" Her words really touched me that day and though I never got her name, I hope she knows that by a small act, she made a large impact upon a woman who before then was impatient, proud and somewhat bullheaded...for at that moment, I knew what it must feel like to be dependent upon another and at that moment I knew, when I am back to normal, I will go out of my way to help someone else...because as she said...."that's what Christians do..."

So my friends, remember this, the next time you see someone in a wheelchair or cart, open the door for them, smile and make eye contact. Say something as simple as "Hi, how are you doing today?" and believe me, they will remember that for a brief moment, they were a person, and not a wheelchair bound entity. You see, they may be hurting and maybe your kindness is the kindness that they needed to feel whole again...I know it was that way for me! It is an experience I don't ever want to repeat, but it's one I'll never forget.