Important Tips on How to Help Your Children Express Their Feelings

We have all been told about the importance of sharing our feelings, especially with those closest to us. How well or how often we actually do this is another question, however.

There is abundant research showing that sharing our feelings helps us stay mentally and even physically healthy. We've known for centuries that confession is good for the soul. It is also good for the body. Expressing pent up emotions has a very positive effect on the body's immune system. We heal faster and ward off diseases better if we vent our feelings rather than keep them bottled up inside us.

Not all children know or believe this, however. We've all been through periods when our children are distressed about something but won't talk about it. They may become irritable, moody, quiet or depressed. We know there is something wrong and we are convinced they will feel better if they just get things off their chest but in response to our questions we only get the classic "Oh, nothing is wrong with me" response. Here are some important tips that will help you draw out your child.

First, the time honored advice of precept and example applies here. Teach your children the importance of self expression. Tell them how much better they will feel when they talk about what's in their hearts. Demonstrate this truth by often talking to them about your own thoughts and feelings. If you're upset and irritable, say so, and tell them what's on your mind. Don't blame them or imply that they should carry your burden, but do vent your feelings. Modeling is always the best way to teach.

Second, ask them feeling questions. Include your own observations - for example, "You seem awfully quiet and withdrawn today; is there something you'd like to talk about?" or, "How do you feel right now?"

Third, insist on a feeling answer to a feeling question to a feeling question. When you ask feeling questions, your children may answer by telling you what they are thinking about or by sharing their analysis of the situation, but they won't say a word about their emotional state. Respond by saying, "I appreciate knowing what you think. Now I'd like to know what you're feeling." If they say they don't know what they feel, have them choose between mad, sad, glad or scared. These four basic choices will at least get them started. If they won't choose one of these, ask them which seems the closest. Once they can identify one feeling, ask them if there are any others. And once the door to emotions is opened, things should improve rapidly.