Improve Your Marriage by Giving Up Selfishness for Charity

In the scriptures we read, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." (Matt. 19:6.).

I often thought of this scripture as a narrow interpretation that really just applied to spouses seeking a divorce from one another; I now understand that this scripture really pertains to anything that I may personally do that separates me from oneness with my spouse.

We learn from President Hinckley that many difficulties or separations in oneness with our spouse in marriage stem from selfishness in a May 1991 Ensign Article (What God Hath Joined Together).

"Selfishness so often is the basis of money problems, which are a very serious and real factor affecting the stability of family life. Selfishness is at the root of adultery, the breaking of solemn and sacred covenants to satisfy selfish lust. Selfishness is the antithesis of love. It is a cankering expression of greed. It destroys self-discipline. It obliterates loyalty. It tears up sacred covenants. It afflicts both men and women.

Too many who come to marriage have been coddled and spoiled and somehow led to feel that everything must be precisely right at all times, that life is a series of entertainments, that appetites are to be satisfied without regard to principle. How tragic the consequences of such hollow and unreasonable thinking!"

HOW WE FALL INTO THE SELFISHNESS TRAP

I find that I fall into this trap of selfishness when I start thinking about "fairness" in marriage. It tends to occur when I begin equating tasks with chalking up points for how many times I've done something or feel I'm making a greater contribution in my marriage than my spouse.

Think about it in terms of figure skating - you get a point for completing certain elements of a program. You try to maximize your score to "win."

- Took the garbage out - 1 point

- Put the baby to bed - 1 point

- Initiated family prayer/scripture study/family home evening - 3 points

- Got the oil changed in the car - 2 points

- Cleaned the shower - 5 points

- Gave up an annoying habit I know my spouse hates - 6 points

- Cleaned up the puke/poop/toilet overflowing/insert any other gross item here - another point!

Point, point, point - I'm chalking them up on my scorecard.

After a while, you start looking at your scorecard in comparison to your spouse's scorecard. Hmm-there always seems to be so many more points on mine than there is on my spouses! Isn't it his turn to do X?

I don't know if it's just me but women seem to be especially good at this because they have great memories and can point out to their husbands every single last time he did or did not do something (that's not to say men don't have problems with this too though).

It really starts to become a problem when we begin to ask ourselves questions like "Why do I always have to make the sacrifices for our marriage/family?" Anything that mentally determines (usually in our own favor!) who is making the greatest contribution in our marriage gets us thinking about what really is fair and unfair.

We start to think, "It's just not fair!"

This line of thinking really only works if marriage is a 50/50 relationship. This is what many people would have us believe - that marriage should be a 50/50 relationship. We should abandon relationships in which we weren't "being fulfilled," "getting anything out of it," or "our partner is not contributing equally or pulling his/her weight."

The problem is marriage is rarely a 50/50 relationship. It is usually more like 60/40 or 80/20 or can sometimes even be 100/0 when one of the parties is going through a particularly difficult trial or tribulation. So if you expect everything to balance out to 50/50 you're constantly upset about how little your partner is giving to your marriage.

HOW WE ARE FREED FROM THE TRAP OF SELFISHNESS

The Savior provided a solution to this problem long ago:

"If any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also.

"And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.

"Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away" (Matt. 5:40-42).

At baptism and each time we partake of the sacrament, we covenant with God "to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light" (Mosiah 18:8). Whose burdens could be more important for us to bear than those of our spouse?

When we change our focus from how much we can receive from our spouses to how much we can give, our marriages will improve. If you really can't throw out the scorecard because you're ultra competitive, instead of comparing your behavior to your spouse's, compare how much you are giving to your spouse with your own record.

In figure skating you don't have control over how others skate their program. All you can really control is how you skate your own program. You can just do your personal best and try to make your own "score" the highest, the best by giving 100 percent of yourself all the time. So if you can't throw out the scorecard completely you can just try to beat your own performance.

We read in the scriptures that "charity is the pure love of Christ" and "seeketh not her own."

Christ taught us how to apply this selflessness to our spouses in the Sermon on the Mount:

"Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets" (Matt 7:12)

THE PLATINUM RULE

We've all heard this principle Christ teaches us and many in the world know it as "The Golden Rule."

Did you know that there is a PLATINUM rule though?

In the book "Ten Secrets for Achieving a Successful Celestial Marriage," by Laura Nielson Denke, she suggests that we go beyond the Golden Rule and practice the Platinum Rule in our marriages.

The Platinum Rule is this: "Do unto your spouse as they want you to do unto them."

Do you get the difference? This is real charity because it goes even beyond what you would personally want, to anticipate what your spouse wants and giving that gift to them.

President Hinckley said it this way:

"I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion."

In giving to our spouse we are perfected as we are commanded to become by the Savior:

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matt 5.48)

President Spencer W. Kimball gave us wise counsel on this subject("Coping with Difficulties in Marriage," Ensign, Oct. 1982, 21). I have replaced the word "serving" with "giving" because gifts to our spouse are not only a physical act of service, but can also be a gift of giving up a habit that irritates our spouse, etc.

"There is great security in spirituality, and we cannot have spirituality without [serving our spouse]! ... So often, our acts of [giving] consist of simple encouragement or of giving mundane help with mundane tasks, but what glorious consequences can flow from mundane acts and from small but deliberate deeds! ... In the midst of the miracle of [giving to our spouse], there is the promise of Jesus, that by losing ourselves [or perhaps an annoying habit or two], we find ourselves. (See Matt. 10:39.) Not only do we 'find' ourselves in terms of acknowledging guidance in our lives, but the more we [give to our spouse] in appropriate ways, the more substance there is to our souls. ... Indeed, it is easier to 'find' ourselves because there is so much more of us to find!" (Ensign, Dec. 1974, pp. 5, 2.)

So the next time you are taking out the garbage, cleaning up vomit, unplugging a shower drain or some similar gross task for your beloved remember this:

Jesus washed the feet of his disciples, which in those days of bare feet and minimal sanitation must not have been markedly more appetizing.

Sources Cited:
President Gordon B. Hinckley, May 1991 Ensign Article "What God Hath Joined Together" -- magazine
The Holy Bible - King James Translation -- book
The Book of Mormon -- book
Laura Nielson Denke, "Ten Secrets for Achieving a Successful Celestial Marriage" -- book
President Spencer W. Kimball, Oct. 1982 Ensign Article "Coping With Difficulties in Marriage" -- magazine
President Spencer W. Kimball, Dec. 1974 Ensign Article Title Unknown -- magazine

Other Resources Used for Research:
Compilation Published by Deseret Book, LDS Women's Treasury -- book
Selected with reflections by Marilyn Arnold, "Pure Love - Readings on Sixteen Enduring Virtues" -- book