In Advance of His Planned Comeback Ebony Magazine Proclaims Michael Jackson 'normal'

Satire alert. Satire to follow. Maybe my first mistake was turning on the TV for a moment during the "Today" show. Meredith Vierra, her past work on "The View" notwithstanding, seems normal and comforting, almost legitimately infotaining. She was interviewing the creative director at Ebony magazine, Harriette Cole, about a recent interview with the gloved one. You remember him, the guy from the 'watch my race, features and gender change' slide shows - Jacko, dangler of baby from hotel windows and famous sleepover host to young boys from hopelessly disreputable and dysfunctional families.

At one time, like many other 7 and 8 year old girls, I thought I was in love with Michael Jackson (though I later favored Jermaine). Greg Brady was too old, Donny Osmond was Mormon and probably wanted to breed more than I did, but Michael was, well, normal. That he sang like a girl before going through puberty was nothing out of the ordinary. And he grew up cute too. I mean "Off the Wall" cute, not "Thriller" and definitely not any later phase cute. But, when he had the nice afro going on and the huge, dark eyes, and he sang about ABCs, or "I'll be There" or "Off the Wall", well he was just great. Life intervened, I grew up, he grew up. I went off to college and law school, married, started a family. He had some wierd cosmic experience, perhaps during the filming of "The Wiz" alongside his lifetime idol, Diana Ross, and he slowly began to surgically become her doppleganger. I bought a house in the suburbs with a modest yard. He bought a ranch, with a zoo and an amusement park.

Wait a minute, I'm the one with kids, what's this late 30something guy with Diana Ross' face doing with a petting zoo and carnival rides? And, is it me, or has he been sucking helium and begun channeling a young Shirley Temple with his vocal chords? And, we all know where it went from there. Thinning his hundreds of millions of dollars to pay law suits, terribly misunderstood with his sleeping arrangements, marrying for publicity, finally having a family of his own.

And then it all blew up and he left and moved to Bharain, but they booted him so he went to Italy, and eventually he decided to launch a comeback. For a white person he made the curious choice of giving a 'rare' interview to Ebony magazine. And, after his disasterous BBC interviews years back, I'm sure we all wanted to see what kind of am impression he left this time. So, gutsy Meredith Vierra asked right out this morning. "What's he like?"
"Normal," answered Harriette Cole. He's 49 now, a grown man, and a good parent. He has a marvelous way of communicating with his children, she said, advising that during the interview his youngest child, Prince Michael II, who is called "Blanket", was around and big Michael, sequined gown and all, was able to communicate effectively with the small child with very few words. You know, a normal parent/child setting in a normal house. Normal.

Okay, rewind. Sequined gowns, women's pajamas, wearing Liz Taylor's castoffs - lots of people do that. Famous FBI directors have done that (without Liz knowing her closet was being raided, of course). I'm not going to say it's not normal to wear your hair long and flouncy, put on more foundation than most shyscrapers require, and speak softly and feminely while in a chic Donna Karan creation to your kindergartener. Come on, it goes on in millions of American homes every day. And, Cole did say his voice has deepened a little. He's less Hayden Panetierre and more Kathleen Turner now, or maybe not quite that deep voiced.

And again, sixty-two facial surgeries is about average in certain neighborhoods (like say, Joan Rivers' or Pam Anderson's neighborhoods. Oh grow up!). The kids probably don't remember him with an African American man's face anyway. They may wonder why there is an Epilady in every drawer of the house, and they may think it odd to ever see a male with facial hair, but to them their dad looks normal. No way is it scary to have to wear a mask when out in public and have daddy/mommy person favoring a Persian facial veil at home. No, that's pretty normal. And you can't get more normal than his kids' names. Michael is always at the top of the popular kids' name lists. It is timeless. When you have Prince Michael I and Prince Michael II (aka, "Blanket', not in any way a damaging nickname) in the same house it is in no way confusing. Seriously, go over to George Foreman's house if you want to talk name repetition. And the middle child, little girl Paris. No negative connotations with that name. And really, when being raised by a transvestite entertainer, it's best to have a stripper name early in life to save time. It was totally normal when Jackson, asked about where the kids were at the moment, told the interviewer, "Oh big Prince is probably in the boom boom room, Paris is having her pole dancing lesson, and Blanket is just waiting for daddy to come play tickles and tuck him in for his nap." Nothing creepy or not normal about that. And, how funny the Ebony reporter should say in describing Jackson as normal in his interactions with young Blanket that, 'the interesting thing to me was, Michael was parenting him..." (Today, 11/7) Because you don't expect that. It's interesting. You could walk into so many homes across the US and not witness this 'interesting' phenomenon" of adults 'parenting' their children. Of course, since the kid's name is also Michael, she could have been referring to him. And that would be interesting. Of course, if you're five and your name is something as creative as Blanket, you probably want to hone your parenting skills early. Fortunately for the lad, some preteens have recently invented 'wedgie proof' underwear, which will likely come in handy when Blankie joins big Prince Michael and little white Paris at the local public school.

I was thinking as the interview ended that it's a good thing Jackson is making a comeback, mostly so he can cover the therapy costs of his adult children one day. And it's a good thing Ebony got right out front with the 'normal' label for him now, before he tries to release a CD or launches a Vegas show (hey Celine's leaving town, lots of gowns in your size ready and waiting). Because if Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse, Pixie from LA Ink, Big White Paris and the others are any indication, we revere and certainly require our entertainers to be 'normal' before we will throw millions and millions of dollars their way. Yeah, come to think of it, maybe 'normal' is relative after all....